


i'm glad you got away (but i'm still stuck out here)

by spotsuns



Category: Life Is Strange 2 (Video Game)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Rating May Change, cassidy is gross bc i love that abt her, finn is pining like hell which is canon but bless his heart, lots of finn/hannah friendship bc i love them, penny is the funniest person i know, rated M for drugs and language and mentions of sex and stuff but no actual sex, this is basically ep 2-4 but just from finns pov!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2020-10-20 03:34:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 56,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20668634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spotsuns/pseuds/spotsuns
Summary: Cassidy talks to a boy in a neon orange jacket at a Christmas tree market, Finn kinda wishes it had been him instead.title from Poison Oak by Bright eyes





	1. Christmas Trees & Pretty Eyes

Finn’s feet drag through the snow, the ankles of his pants soaked so long ago that it doesn’t make any difference now. Tucker’s trailing at his heels.

He hates stops like this; small towns. They remind him too much of Dillon, too much of his former life and family and all the shit memories that come with it and he’s chewed the inside of his cheek raw thinking about it. He’s been ready to leave since yesterday. 

They’re far behind schedule, but that’s only the fault of the train that’s running behind because it hit a deer apparently and needed maintenance ‘_or something’ _, according to Hannah. 

The rest of the group split up, either bailed to go elsewhere or decided to go get wasted at some shitty local bar down the road. Hannah had chewed them to pieces about taking this shit seriously, told them to either stay or not bother coming back. Finn knows from experience, they rarely do.

She leans with her back pressed to a dumpster, arms crossed over her chest, puffing on a cigarette. 

“All we can do is wait it out and kill time here. Sucks, but we’ve been through worse.” 

Finn gives a lazy nod. Ain’t that the truth. At least they know they’ll have a ride by the end of the day, definitely not always the case.

“Go find Cass or something and see what the hell’s taking her so long. Grab me a cup of java on the way back.” 

Hannah flicks her cigarette into the snow and watches it sizzle out on contact. 

“I gotcha, boss. Anythin’ else? Bottle of wine? Lobster?”

“Shut up, smartass.” She turns away from him to look dramatically over her shoulder. “Keep it up and you’ll be by your damn self tonight, no visit from me.” 

“Aw c’mon, I’s just playin’! We can’t have that now, can we?”

Hannah rolls her eyes.

“Yeah… I’m gonna head on over. Seeya, Hans.” He turns on his heel, eyes locked on the Christmas tree market. He doesn’t hear Cassidy playing.

“Hey Finn, wait-”

Finn knows that tone. That tone means Hannah is about to cut the bullshit, which can be sweet, but it can also be _ absolutely _ terrifying. She’s kinda like one of those little lap dogs that wags their tail before chewing their way up your arm in that way. Finn’s always loved it about her; she’s about as real as you can get. 

“I know you’re... ready to get outta here, Finn. We’ll bail on this shithole as soon as we can. If I have to look at one more balding middle-aged man in a sweater vest I’m gonna hurl.”

Finn chuckles. 

“Amen sister, I ‘preciate it. Be back in a jiff if Cass don’t drag her ass.” 

“Yeah right, let’s be real, it’s _ Cass _.” Hannah says her name in the worst mock thick Southern accent Finn’s ever heard, almost as shit as the silly Scottish accent he pulls out every haircut day. Almost. 

“Aw hell, she ‘prolly picked up another groupie. I bet this one ain’t even cute either.” 

“Like that’s ever bothered you?” Hannah asks, quirking a brow. 

“Hey, c’mon now I was just playin’! Maybe he is cute, hell, maybe he’s into guys. I got a date to catch! Wish me luck!”

Finn waves her off with both hands. 

“Good luck bud. I’ll be right over here with the garbage.” 

So it’s back to just Finn and Tucker, joined by the scent of fresh cut pine and shitty instant coffee, and maybe another hour of repressed memories nipping at his neck no worse than the cold is. Not too bad.

Cass doesn’t take two seconds to track down, she sticks out like a clown at a funeral. Figures, she’s got company.

From here he can see a boy probably around their age, maybe a little younger, but not by much, standing and talking to Cassidy while she slouches next to her guitar. She picked up a groupie after all.

“Sorry, we went through some shit with the guys… how much you make?” He points to her makeshift paper plate tipping dish. Looks like a few bucks and some loose change. She deserves better. “You ready?” 

He’s got the full attention of the groupie now and-_oh _ there’s _ two _ of them-who he assumes is his baby brother, judging by the resemblance. It tugs at his heart in a way he doesn’t want to think about, especially not here. He shakes it off.

Finn had missed the mark on his bet with Hannah. This one is cute. He looks nothing like anybody from their group, but he sticks out in this shitty small town market just as much with his tan skin and messy hair sticking out in every direction. He resembles nothing of the church slacks and bible-heavy hands you see around here. 

He may not look like any of their lot, but there’s something there that tells Finn he’s just as lost. Probably still wandering, if Finn’s gut is worth anything. It could be the bags under his eyes or the scratches on his face you only get from spending too much time in the woods, cowering in the foliage. It could even be as simple as the hair that hasn’t seen a pair of scissors in at least a couple months. It’s none of those. He can spot that homesick look miles away. He’s been looking at it for years.

Everything about him reeks of city boy; probably never felt the rush of speeding off in a car that’s not his, never felt the sting of pavement eating his skin, never been to jail. Finn wonders how in the hell he got himself in a place like this. 

He’s something Finn has no business touching with a ten foot pole, but Cassidy probably doesn’t either, and here she is chatting him up like they’re in high school together. That is, if he and Cass were the type to have stayed in high school, but they’re a couple of deadbeat dropouts. 

His eyes are pretty.

“Hello, pups…” 

He locks eyes with cute groupie boy. Another polaroid in his mind for the long road ahead. He’s got a few scrapbooks full, pictures of beautiful people he’s met on his travels, but he has a feeling this one might make the front page for a while.

“Oooo, is that your doggie? So cool!” the little one says, excitedly pointing to Tucker. He’s got what Finn assumes is supposed to be a-honestly, Finn has no fucking clue what the hell it's supposed to be. A blue _something _is painted messily on his face, and he's not got a care in the world about who sees it. He reminds him terribly of himself.

“Yeah, he’s been through a lot. Like most of us…” Finn looks down at Tucker. He looks like an old war tank.

“So we adopted him! And he stinks! Yeah, you stink and you like it, huh?” He reaches down to pet his head, receiving a palm full of slobber. He wipes it on his pants. 

He found Tucker dumped on the side of a highway, a bullet in his leg, thrown to the wolves to die if he wasn’t eaten alive first. Tucker reminded him terribly of himself too. 

Cassidy giggles. “He’s not the only one…” 

Oh, she's _ definitely _ got a crush already. How embarrassing for-_her _.

Giving siblings a hard time is baby brother culture and Finn is an expert in his field. He knows a good opportunity when he sees one. 

“Have you checked your hair? I think it just twitched!” He turns to groupie boy. “You should keep your distance, dude.”

He taps the back of his hand against his chest, just to drive the point home. Finn tries to convince himself it has nothing to do with his unshakable urge to touch him before he’s gone forever, that’s embarrassing even to his standards, and the bar was just about already on the floor. 

“She looks… really cool, I think.” 

“See? He knows I’m clean. _ You’re _ the nasty one.” 

He hasn’t seen Cassidy this determined to score in months. It’s almost refreshing, if not for the fact that he’s feeling embarrassed for a reason he can’t fully understand. He isn’t sure he wants to yet.

“Yeah… you always go for those suburban boys…“

She shoots him a look. It’s the ‘don’t make me go there’ look she always gets with Hannah when they start fighting. 

“Are you kidding? You wanna talk about your _ scoreboard _ , _ hotshot _?” she says, tilting her head dramatically to one side.

Groupie boy interjects before he has the chance to retort.

“Hey! No worries.” He says, voice light and playful and _ cute _.

Finn’s gotta get out of here before this place swallows him whole in the form of a boy in an orange windbreaker jacket. 

“Come on, let’s bail.” 

“It was nice meeting you, Sean and… Daniel.” Cassidy bows to them. 

Sean, huh. He’s not sure if he prefers knowing his name over him existing as an abstract concept. _ The cute groupie boy that got away forever _. This might be worse. The sound of his name in Cassidy’s mouth rings in Finn’s ears like a bell toll, like a song stuck in his head. 

_ Stupid. Always gettin’ obsessed over people I meet, even when we’re headed in different directions. _

“Stay outta trouble, kids!” 

_ That goes for you too, bud. _

“Goodbye!” Daniel shouts back in a tiny voice. 

“Hope we see you on the rails someday!”

Cassidy waves them off. Finn’s already ahead of her. 

“Yeah! See you around…” Sean replies, voice fading into the distance.

Finn hears Sean and Daniel carrying on the conversation, already behind them. Something like envy starts to nip at him towards Cassidy, wishing he had gotten the chance to talk to them like she did. Not that it matters. They’re in the past now.

A man with an unfortunately receded hairline grabs onto his sleeve before he can make a clean escape.

“Hey, excuse me. Dogs have to be on a leash around here. Too many strays…” he says, voice pointed and filled with the usual disdain for people like them. 

“Sorry, dude. We don’t do leashes.” Cassidy replies. 

“Well, the city does. An unleashed dog is liable to a fine, so…” 

“Uh-you’re gonna fine our _ dog _?” She turns to Finn with a shit-eating grin plastered on her face. “Well, that’s not very nice!” 

“Loitering is illegal too… and you don’t live here, right?” The man shifts his eyes between the two of them, pointing out the painfully obvious. “Right?” 

_ No, thank fuckin’ God. _

“Calm down, sweetie. We’re allowed to visit the Christmas market,” Finn bends down to gesture towards Tucker, sitting calmly with a wagging tail. “Our dog’s not gonna eat’chu! Look at him!” 

“You better watch your mouth. You punks are always causing trouble. This is a nice town, okay?”

Of course it is, just like Dillon. This is the kind of town where they’re nothing more than ‘_ teenage freight hoppers wreaking havoc on the town’ _in the Sunday paper. They’re after-church lunch gossip for old folks.

Cassidy scoffs. “Jeez... someone needs to get laid.” 

Finn can’t help himself. They’re about to be out of here forever anyways, and man, fuck this guy. 

“He’s out of pills.”

“That’s it, I’m calling the cops!”

“Oh, god! He’s gonna call the cops on us, Finn!” Cassidy says with mock panic in her voice, playfully clinging to his arm. 

“Chill out, we’re leavin’ this shithole anyway!” Finn turns on his heel. “You guys don’t even have a Santa, for Christ’s sake!” 

He snorts at his own joke and starts speed walking away from the market, the quicker they can get out of here the better. If he ends up in jail again at the hands of a balding man at a Christmas tree market he will never live it down, and the list is long enough already. He might be utterly shameless, but damn it, that’s on his own time. 

“Merry Christmas!” Cassidy says, voice high and sweet and absolutely as bitchy as she can manage. 

“Fucking parasites…” He hears the man mutter under his breath. 

_ So long n’ farewell, Beaver Creek. We didn’t enjoy our stay, and we won’t be comin’ back. _


	2. Morning Coffee & Bagged Groceries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The drifters arrive in Humboldt and run into some familiar faces.

The trimmigrant camp in Humboldt is surprisingly less shitty than a few of the places Finn has bummed before. 

The campsite is plenty big for everyone; enough room for everybody’s tents, a kitchen, showers, they’ve even got a _ bathroom, _which is more than he can say for most of the places he’s had to call home over the past few years.

Big Joe is a total dickhead, but he seems to stay off your ass as long as you keep quiet. Unfortunately for Finn, that’s a lot easier said than done. He feels almost grateful to Cassidy for undeniably being Big Joe’s least favorite out of the bunch, with her tendency to whine and make—god forbid—_conversation _ .

As grateful as he wishes he could be, it makes his fists go tight every time he sees Big Joe raise his voice, or worse, his hand at her. Cassidy nearly ripped his throat out when he tried to intervene, saying he was going to make things worse for everyone if he tried to be brave and that she could handle herself, ‘ _ thank you’ _, so Finn stopped it altogether. The urge is still there though, every time. 

As for the big man himself, Merrill is not the best or the worst boss that Finn’s ever had. He’s straight to the point and Finn picks up directions easy enough, a paycheck is a paycheck at the end of the day. He seems to like Finn okay so far. He’s great with the plants and he’s anything but lazy, and that’s all Merrill really asks for. 

The first month goes by quickly and with ease. The group sets up camp, gets settled in, learns what their jobs are, and fall into the routine of it all. 

There’s a few new additions to the group, the first two being a couple of Swedes named Ingrid and Anders, here for work on a tourist visa after traveling around the whole country soul searching or ‘_whatever the fucking hell it is they think they’re doing here _’, as Hannah put it. Finn is neutral towards them so far, starting to warm up to them, even, but Hannah, in true Hannah fashion, already loathes them with absolutely all she has. 

He has to hear about it every single night, and it’s starting to really kill the mood, but he wouldn’t ever tell her that. She always cools down eventually—usually when Finn starts to doze off and she has to pat him awake again, going ‘_ Oh fuck, sorry, did it again. Actually, I’m kinda beat now too, you wanna just take a raincheck?” _ and he’ll just say, “ _ Works for me, sweetheart,” _and roll right back over.

It’s become so routine that he’s starting to feel like they’re fifty-five and married, which is not at all what he wanted out of this arrangement, but he’s gotten a little too used to sleeping with a body next to his, and yeah, maybe it’s even better than the sex is, so it doesn’t really matter. 

There’s a third addition to the group, Penny, with insanely long legs and tattoos that look so similar to Finn’s own on his face that they’ve taken to jokingly calling each other ‘twin’, despite looking absolutely different in every other way possible. 

Finn absolutely loves Penny. He thinks he’s one of the coolest, funniest guys he’s met in a really long time, and he’s chock-full of absolutely insane conspiracy theories that hit just right when Finn’s so stoned that they make total sense and he transcends the mortal plane with all his newfound knowledge. 

Finn is so close to becoming a flat earther that he’s actually considering cutting back on weed. He briefly considered quitting altogether, but then came to the conclusion that he’d rather be an abomination to science than a full-time sober. 

Penny also mentioned that he’s looking for somebody that’s gone missing, just in case anybody knew anything about it, and the look on his face when none of them did made Finn’s heart drop into his stomach. They’ve lost a few friends like that on the road, friends they’ve still yet to find, and it’s hard not to think about them no matter how much time goes by. It only seems to get worse lately. Penny carries his poster around with him everywhere he goes; a man he calls Jinx.

There’s a lot of those posters around here, keeping Jinx company on trees and the sides of buildings and wherever else people can find where somebody, anybody, might see them, might know something. Finn isn’t sure who Jinx is to Penny, but he can guess as much.

It’s not even remotely the same, and it makes Finn feel like shit for even daring to associate the two, but it reminds him of another dark-haired stranger he saw a little over a month ago at a Christmas tree market in Oregon. The boy that looked like he was still wandering, the boy with messy hair in an obnoxiously orange jacket. He wonders where he is now, too. 

After leaving Beaver Creek, Finn caved and threw all his shame off the side of a train on the way to California. He asked Cassidy what she spent so long talking to Sean and Daniel about, anyway. He had tried really,_ really _ fucking hard to seem casual about it, but Cassidy’s always been devilishly observant, and maybe it was just that fucking obvious. 

_ “Ooo… you got a crush or somethin’? I found him first y’know, fucker.” _She raised a fist at him, and playfully punched him on the shoulder.

_ “I just wanna know what a hot mess like you thought you were doin talkin’ to two innocent boys at a Christmas market, ya damn bum. What’d y’all talk about, anyway? The weather?” _

Cassidy rolled her eyes at him, then and flipped him off. _ “No, smartass. He listened to me sing n’ play… stood there through the whole song just… listenin’. I couldn’t believe that shit, totally teased him for it. He blushed red as a damn beet. It meant a lot to me though… hell, he even tipped me.” _

_ “Everybody oughta tip you, sis. Man… fuck that place. At least he—he seemed like a real nice kid.” _

Finn avoided Cassidy’s eyes as much as he could and opted to stare at the blur of trees going by instead. If she noticed, she didn’t say anything. 

_ “Oh yeah, he was. I asked him if he had a crush on me, thinkin’ maybe that’s why he did it but… he went on about how much he liked my voice after. Said I should go on one of those dumb fuckin’ singin’ shows I can’t stand. It was still sweet... the only nice thing anybody said to me the whole damn time we were in that dump.” _

_ “Oh, I think he definitely had a crush on you, little miss ‘She looks really cool, I think’, come on now, and a tip? This ain’t the fifties, that reeks of desperate teenage boy tryin’ his best to get in your britches. Trust me, I been there.” _

_ “Nasty ass! I wish—but I really didn’t get that vibe from him, Finn. I dunno what it was but he just seemed so… honest. No judgement at all. It kinda felt like he was just desperate to talk to somebody that… got him? He didn’t belong there, that’s for damn sure.” _

_ “Yeah, that’s what they all say… what the hell was someone like him doin’ there, anyway?” _

_ “I think he said he and his brother were stayin’ with their grandparents, but the two of them ain’t from Beaver Creek. Not that I had to ask to know that much. I mean, c’mon. I said I could tell right away. He said it was complicated—but I didn’t pry or nothin’. I also… told him about what we do and where we were headed next. He thought it was like, the best thing ever. Swear, his face beamed like a lil kid.” _

_ “Oh, yeah?” _

_ “Oh, yeah. You got no idea. Hell, I thought we was about to have to drag his ass onto the train in that bright ass traffic cone jacket, get our asses shot at.” _

Finn had really wished he had an idea, actually. He would have liked to have that polaroid for his scrapbook an awful lot. Thanks for rubbing it in, Cass. Finn kept his eyes on the branches flashing by.

_ “A scrawny ole thing like him? Shit… he was stayin’ at mawmaw n’ pawpaw’s in a real house, with Christmas lights up and an inflatable snowman in the yard n’ shit. What the hell would he wanna be sleepin’ in a tent for? City kids, man…” _

_ “Well, since he didn’t show, I guess he thought ‘bout that too. Oh well. So long city boy, hope there’s lotsa presents under the tree for ya from your folks.” _

He’s still wondering what Sean’s face looked like when it _ beamed _, when Cassidy told him about their outlaw lifestyle, livin’ like bandits and thieves. A part of him wonders if Sean’s just a sheltered city boy looking for something fun to do after all, but a part of him says otherwise. It’s the same part that noticed the scratches on his face; the bags under his eyes; his untrimmed messy hair; that lost look in his eyes. 

Finn considers for the first time that maybe Sean’s already playing bandits and thieves. Maybe he isn’t a kid from the suburbs that’s tired of bein’ nice, that just wants to go apeshit. Maybe he’s just tired of playing alone. Finn knows what that’s like, if anything that’s _ all _ Finn knows, before anything else. He hopes wherever Sean is, and wherever he ends up, he’s able to find what it is he’s looking for, just like Finn found his. Good luck n’ safe travels, city boy. 

//

In the morning, he wakes up early, despite it being their first day off of the week. 

Finn’s never really minded waking up early. Being up early means you get what’s likely the only hot water in the shower for the morning, the first helping of breakfast if you can be fucked to make any before someone else beats you to it, you don’t have to fight anybody for bathroom privileges, and best of all, you get some good ‘ole fashioned peace and quiet. 

His favorite way to spend mornings like this is propped up against the trunk of the enormous redwood in the center of the camp, a book in one hand and a joint in the other. ‘_Nothin’ beats wakin’ n’ bakin’ over a good book.’ _is what he says every time anybody asks him what the hell he’s doing, which is generally met with an understanding nod and a shoulder shrug.

That is, unless that person is Hannah, and she asks him how he’s still able to read with how many brain cells he’s fried doing this almost every morning. He’ll give her the middle finger, and she’ll give a warm smile in return and ask him if he wants coffee. 

Sometimes, Cassidy will join in and sit close by. She gives a soft ‘_ Mornin’! _’ and doesn’t say much else, just strums on her guitar and hums melodies of songs that don’t exist yet while everyone else slowly emerges from their tents and comes to life over coffee. It’s his favorite part of the day, seeing all his family in one place. 

He’s almost done with his fifth—maybe sixth—reading of ‘_ A Tale of Two Cities _’ when Penny comes shuffling over. Finn puts his book down in his lap. 

“Hey, Finn!”

“What’s up, my man?”

“Me and Cass were talkin’ about going to the store later, grab some things we need, munchies and toilet paper and shit. She told me to come ask if you wanna come with us. We could use the extra hands, and Hannah said she’s stayin’ behind. Same with Ingrid and Anders.”

Finn wonders if Hannah is aware that she’s setting herself up for the worst day off she’s ever had. She’ll probably end up wishing she had just walked to the store, but Finn really wants to go, so he decides not to mention it to her at the risk of Ingrid and Anders’ lives. If anything, he’ll get the worst of it for being an accomplice. 

“You think it’s safe to leave Hans with ‘em?” 

“Honestly?” Penny looks over his shoulder, checking to make sure Hannah hasn’t snuck up on him within the past thirty seconds. “We might just be havin’ ourselves a Hannibal Lecter style barbecue tonight if she finally snaps.” 

Finn lets out a clap of a laugh. “Man... a barbecue sure does sound good right now don’t it… kinda seems like a win-win to me. Knowin’ Hans, there’d be no trace of the bodies, just some baby backs on the grill when we get back to camp. Shoot, I might could live with that.” 

“You are one twisted motherfucker, Finnegan McNamara. Man, I really gotta stop keepin’ you up with the theories, you’re scaring my ass.” 

“Aw c’mon Pennywise, if I was gonna eat anybody it’d be Big Joe, n’ we all know it.”

“Bitch, you better not! I already told you he’s a clone! He’s made outta _ goo _, that shit’s poison! Trust me, Finn. If you gotta do it you keep that shit off my plate. I swear to God. I’ll know what happened when y’all drop dead Jonestown style. I’ll be out of here quicker than you can kiss my ass.” 

Penny dramatically spins and gives his ass a slap. 

“Now hey, there ain’t gonna be much ass kissin’ from me if I’m dead, is there?”

Penny bands down and starts to whisper, albeit barely. “I’m not even about to pretend I know what the hell might happen to you if you eat that sack of gak so just don’t fuckin’ try it.” 

Finn holds up his hands in surrender. “Alright, alright, you talked me down this time. Next time? Who knows…” 

“Come on, bitch. Are you coming with me and Cass or what?” 

“Yeah, I’m comin’. I’ll just pray Hans ain’t… fuck, I dunno, waitin’ for me with a shotgun when we get back.”

“Shit, you better. I can’t lie, she scares the hell outta of me.”

“Aw, she ain’t that bad! I’ll grab ‘er a bag of Takis n’ a Redbull n’ she’ll get over it.” Finn grabs a leaf and wedges it in the spine of his book, and then shuts it. “And well, if she don’t, I guess I volunteer as tribute.” 

“I sure hope you’re right. I like you too damn much for your face to end up plastered on one of these big ass trees.” 

Finn knows Penny’s just joking, but it still makes his chest feel heavy when he says it. He makes a mental note to grab some of the Jinx posters before they head out to put up along the way, even though it’s unlikely anybody besides them will see them out this far. He knows from experience that sometimes clinging to false hope is all that gets you through until you’re ready to process it; to give up, to move on.

It’s not an easy thing to do when you don’t have any closure, when you’ve had to decide to end the chapter yourself, with no ending, just skipping to what’s next and hoping it’s better. Finn thinks maybe that’s why he likes reading books so much. Good or bad, there’s always an ending. 

“Don’t you worry about me, it’s snack time! Come on, let’s go get Cass and hit the road, Jack.” 

// 

The walk to the store feels no shorter than any of the other times they've gone. He thinks back the the first trip they made, when they first arrived in Humboldt and he went with Hannah and Cass.

His mind was still swimming with thoughts of a boy in an orange jacket then, and he hardly picked out anything to eat, that week had been pretty brutal slim picking. As much as they love and tolerate each other, nobody wants to share their food when the nearest store is an hour and a half walk away. He swears to himself to not make that same mistake ever again, and also to never fucking buy Slim Jims ever again. If he so much as sees one in this Z-Mart he just might puke. 

They finally make it after walking for about five miles, give or take. Cassidy has soaked her shirt all the way through with sweat, and Penny is leaning so far to one side that Finn’s scared a light breeze might send him flying across the parking lot. Finn’s just ready to finally get some damn food. 

“Ugh! This is _ horse shit. _Why can’t I just take the damn thing off, it’s totally soaked!” Cassidy throws her head back, glaring towards the sky, as if it’s what's responsible for public nudity being against the law. 

Penny stands at the entrance of Z-Mart, one hand on his hip and the other pointing a finger at the signs on the glass next to the entry. “Girl, the sign says no shoes, no shirt, no service. It’s _ right there _ on the front door. If you wanna sit out here with your fuckin’ titties out sweating like a pig and get arrested for public indecency, you go right ahead. Me and Finn will be getting groceries with your bail money.” 

Finn pats Cassidy on the shoulder. A wet slap resounds. “Come on, Cass. Give the folks a show! We’ll be right back out with everythin’ on your list, and if you ain’t out here, shit, I guess we’ll just eat it all. I’ll give Hans your tampons, it’ll make her day.” 

“As if Hannah doesn’t use a dumbass fuckin’ _ diva cup _ anyways. God, I hate y’all. I’ll get and use my tampons myself, thanks.” Cassidy pushes past them and heads inside. Finn and Penny trail behind her. Finn grabs a cart. Penny’s long legs catch him up to her quicker than Finn’s do, God she can walk so fast when she’s angry.

“So are you going in with or without the gym towel on?”

“Oh shut the hell up. I’m keeping the goddamn fuckin’ thing on but don’t think I’m happy about it.” She glares between both of them, aggressively waving a finger. “I’m stripping down butt-ass naked when we get back and getting in the shower, don’t you two even think about it. I am a woman on the edge, you do _ not _ wanna try me right now.” 

“No worries, sis. Hey, the quicker we can get outta here, the better.” Finn turns his head around in every direction, looking like a lost child. “Where the hell do they keep the tampons, anyway? And for that matter, what in the fuckin’ hell is a diva cup?”

Cassidy comes to a complete halt. “Finn, please do me a favor and shut the hell up before I have no choice but to pop you and go get the Funyuns.” 

“Ma’am yes ma’am!”

//

It happens in the pharmacy section, with Finn standing right between the toothpaste and the deodorant.

Cass and Penny are debating whether they should splurge for some mouthwash or not, and Penny starts going on about a mouthwash conspiracy. Something about how it actually rots your teeth out over time and it’s all a scheme made by dentists to get more money out of people, or something, Finn’s not entirely sure since he started zoning out halfway through, when he overheard the conversation happening an aisle over. 

“_Daniel, listen to me, we’ve got to put this back. You know they ripped me off at the ranch, I’ve barely got enough for the food and the socks. Candy isn’t necessary, and we still need toothpaste.” _

_ “I just want one little Choc-o-Crisp! Please, Sean. I haven’t had one all week. I won’t ask for anything else, I promise! Please?” _

_ “It’s not that I don’t want to get it for you, enano. I wish I could buy you the whole factory, but we don’t have the money. I’ll buy you ten when I find work and get paid again, deal?” _

_ “This fucking sucks, Sean. When will you even find work again? I mean, where are we even going? My feet hurt.” _

_ “I hear you, I know this sucks. I hate it too, but we have to keep moving. I’ll figure it out, I just need you to bear with me, okay?” _

_ “Ugh, fine. It’s not like I have a choice, anyway.” _

_ “I’m sorry, enano. I’m doing the best I can until I can find work again, we’ll just… camp out, y’know? Like we did in the woods. Maybe we’ll find another house or something.” _

_ “Okay, okay. Yeah, sure.” _

Finn stops, frozen. Cassidy and Penny are still on their great mouthwash debate; he can tell Cassidy’s getting heated again. He should probably interject, but he can’t move.

Daniel. _ Sean. _

Why are they here? It’s only been a month, what the fuck happened? Why is Sean looking for work? Why has Sean been working on a _ ranch _? Why are they all on their own this far from Beaver Creek? He’s not positive they’re alone, but based off that conversation, it seems like they only have each other. If Sean’s looking for work then maybe—

Finn’s thoughts are cut short when he sees a boy with messy hair round the corner and head right towards him. _ The _ boy with messy hair, the boy he thought he’d never see again, that he thought it was absolutely ridiculous to even entertain the idea of it, walking down the toothpaste aisle of Z-Mart in Humboldt fucking county, California. 

“Hey, Daniel come on we need to get goi-holy shit! No way! Are you serious!?”

Finn finally gets to see it. The way Sean looks when he _ beams _ . Cassidy deserves jail time after all for how underwhelming her description was, she should stick to writing songs. This polaroid won’t go in the scrapbook. This one _ will _ go right up on his tent wall, next to the picture of him with all his big brothers. 

“Wait, what’s goin’ on? Who is this baby?” Penny is the only one able to respond, because Finn and Cass are both staring at Sean like two very sweaty deer caught in the headlights. Cassidy still beats him to the punch.

“No. Fucking. Way. Sean! What the hell are y’all doin’ here!?” 

“It’s… a really long story. I wish I had time to explain but we've really gotta be going. We’ve already been here way too long and I’ve got to—I don’t really know where we’re staying tonight. I gotta figure it out before the sun sets, if we’re lucky.”

“Sean, hey! Didn’t you say we need to get some- whoa! Are these the guys we met at the Christmas tree market? Cassidy, Finn, and—wait, who are you? Your hair’s so cool! It looks like cauliflower, which I hate, but I still think it looks cool. Hi, I’m Daniel!”

Sean pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Nice to meet you, lil man! My name’s Penny, and nah I don’t think we’ve met… but we have now, right? How do you know these guys again?”

“We met them in Beaver Creek at the Christmas tree market! They had a doggie with them, it was so cute. Is he with you now? Please say yes! I want to pet him again _ sooo bad_—”

“Daniel, whoa dude, slow your roll. Calm down.”

Daniel pouts and lets out a loud huff. Classic baby brother move, one of Finn’s personal favorites. 

Finn finally snaps out of his daze and speaks up. “He’s still around, little man! He ain’t here, though. He’s back at the camp, with the others.” 

“You guys have a camp!? Can we come, please?” Daniel jumps up and down and grabs onto Finn’s pants, like tugging on them has any influence on his answer, as if it would be anything but a _ yes _ anyways. 

“Of course ya can! You guys need a place to stay, right?” He looks at Sean, and for a second he swears he can see tears welling up in his eyes. “We got plenty of room for two more. Only if it’s cool with big brother.”

Daniel turns to Sean, still jumping up and down. “Oh Sean, please, please, please? I want to see the doggie again! And I want to hang out with Finn and Cassidy—and Penny! Can we please go?”

Sean shifts nervously, eyes glossy. “Are you guys… sure that’s cool? I mean, what about the other guys? Would that be alright with it? We can figure something else out if it’s too much trouble, I mean we made it this far, so—”

Cassidy steps forward and puts her hand firmly on Sean’s shoulder.

“Sean, shut your cute ass up. It’s no problem, we’d love to have you guys. Now put your stuff in the damn buggy and let’s get outta here.”

Sean bursts into full on tears. He pulls Cassidy into a hug, then Finn, and finally, Penny.

“I don’t even know what to say, you guys have no idea how—thank you. Holy shit, thank you so much.” Sean wipes his face off with the sleeves of his hoodie. It lacks all the shine and general newness of the orange windbreaker he wore in Beaver Creek. It suits him so much more. 

“And thank you, Finn, for offering. It really means a lot to me and Daniel. I swear I’ll pay you back for this when I can.” 

“Don’t sweat it, sweetie. Just one thing?”

Sean stares at him, unblinking, like if he blinks the rug will be pulled right out from under him and they’ll all yell ‘_ Gotcha!’ _ and laugh at how stupid he was to believe he could get off this easy. It tells Finn way more than he wants to know right now, and he tries to ignore it.

“Get that kid ten Choc-o-Crisps. They’re on the house.” 

Daniel jolts like he’s been electrocuted. “No fucking way! For real!? Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to say fucking. Are you serious!?”

“Fuck yeah, little man! Just promise me you’ll share ‘em with your brother, alright?” 

“Ugh, fine. Sean you can have _ one.” _

“Thanks, enano. I’ll make it last.” Sean bends down to give Daniel a hug. “Finn… seriously man, what the hell? Are you like my guardian angel or something? This is insane.”

Finn won’t say it, because Sean’s just kidding and it would be humiliating, but he had already thought the same thing when Sean rounded the toothpaste aisle and stepped right back into his orbit. If it’s not some kind of fate, then it sure is doing a good job of dressing up like it. 

“It’s nothin’, really. I’m not pullin’ your leg or nothin’, we’d really love to have y’all. This is just… what we do. We’re a _ real _ family. None of us have anywhere else we call home, so this is our home now, and we stick together. The more the merrier, right!?”

“That’s… really sweet, Finn. Damn, I’m so sad we didn’t find you guys sooner, but I’m so glad we did.” 

“Me too, Sean.” 

Finn feels strangely vulnerable, like the universe has stripped him bare and caught him in a trap. It’s terrifying, it’s paralyzing, and it’s the biggest relief of his life all at once. He thinks about the fact that after today, Sean will no longer just be a daydream of a boy that he saw at a shitty small town Christmas tree market. After today, what _ will _ Sean be? A friend, he figures, is a good place to start. He’s ready to get the hell out of this store. 

Cassidy wraps them all up in a huddle of a hug. “Alright ya darn crybabies, let’s get the hell outta here. I need a fuckin’ shower.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!! I didn't expect to be back THIS soon but I was hit with a ton of muse and cranked out this whole chapter in a day, so please enjoy! This chapter was extremely fun to write, interactions between the drifters are my absolute favorite, so there's a lot more to come of them. I can't wait to finally get to work on Sean and Finn's interactions next! Thank u all for the support on the first chapter, it meant a lot to me :') 
> 
> Big thanks again to Atlas for beta reading for me and giving me feedback!! i love u!!!
> 
> EDIT: i edited a couple details on the timeline because i got when sean and daniel show up mixed up my bad!!! also i think according to seans journal anders and ingrid arrive after he and daniel actually another oops because i keep not reading it closely enough forgive me on that i will from now ON!


	3. Sunsets & Throwing Knives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sean and Daniel get settled in with the trimmigrants in Humboldt.

They finally get back to the camp after another unbearably sweaty walk. Sean and Daniel were even more exhausted than the three of them were before arriving, but every trace of that vanishes when they see the campsite. It’s like two kids on Christmas morning, and they want to touch _ everything _.

Penny heads back to his tent to chow down and re-hydrate, replenish all the calories he burned off. Cassidy offers to give the boys a tour, leaving Finn alone with Hannah, which he had been hoping to avoid for as long as he possibly could. That only ever goes so far with Hannah. 

She wastes no time tearing him a new one once Cassidy’s out of sight with Sean and Daniel in tow. He wonders if maybe he should have stayed behind after all, but then Sean and Daniel wouldn’t be here, so whatever is about to happen is worth it. 

“Finn, fucking seriously? We’ve already got those two bumming here thinking this is some kind of goddamn—_yoga class _ to knock off their bucket list and not a goddamn lifestyle, and now you’re dragging in a couple of kids? Do they even know what we do here? Does Merrill even know about this?”

“Hans, listen—I know it looks bad, but hear me out—“

“Hear you out on what, exactly? How you have a big amazing fucking plan for a couple of kids to work on an illegal pot farm, and how it will be totally fine and totally _ not _ get anybody fucked over?”

“So what? Do you want ‘em to just keep walkin’ around with nowhere to stay, no work, nobody, nothin’? They’re already bad off, Hans, at least we can… keep an eye out for ‘em here… watch their backs y’know?”

“Oh, yeah, right. As if we don’t already have enough shit to keep an eye on? Finn this is really stupid, even for you.” 

Finn recoils at that. Too familiar. Hannah must have noticed, because she makes a face.

“I’m not trying to bust your balls, but there’s no upside to this. You know damn well what Merrill will do if this ends badly. God, you’re so fucking reckless, this is unreal.” 

“Look… all I’m askin’ is that you let me do what I gotta do, okay? I got this. I mean, we met ‘em before in Beaver Creek, and then they show up here? That’s like… fate or somethin’, they’re meant to be here Hans. I just know it.”

“Oh, okay, so we have to go along with this absolutely ridiculous fucking plan because you’re convinced it’s fate that a couple of homeless kids wound up here on an illegal pot farm? I can’t tell you what to do, Finn, but I’m not buying it. You do what you want, just don’t expect me to change my mind.” 

“They need our help, Hans. Sean said they didn’t even have a place to stay for the night! We’ve been there, y’know how it is. What the hell did you expect me to do?”

“That’s their business, Finn. We’re a family. We have to look out for _ each other _. Do you know how many people are struggling out here? If we tried to take in every single one we’d turn this place into a homeless shelter. That’s a real nice idea, but I don’t know if you’ve noticed, we’re kinda homeless too. We don’t exactly have resources for this kind of shit.”

“Hannah—I’m not tryin’ to… look, I swear I’ll make this work, you just gotta trust me. I just have this feelin’, okay? I can’t explain it, but it’s there, and it’s like—”

“Finn, don’t take this the wrong way, alright?”

He looks down at the dirt, at his feet, just like he does every time he’s being berated for doing something stupid. Just like he did every time he would fuck up and his dad would blow up at him and his brothers because they broke one of his tools; because they fucked up the wires starting up a car; because they almost got him caught. 

Hannah looks around, like she’s trying to find a way to put it that won’t hurt; like there is one. “I think you’re doing it again.”

Finn fights back the urge to run away until his feet give out and never look back. He gets so close to it that he starts to shuffle his feet, weight shifting between his legs to remind himself that at the very least he’s got them, even if he takes off and has nobody else to go along. Hannah keeps talking, so he figures he can at least hear her out before he vanishes off the face of the earth.

“You know it’s just gonna end up like last time. People like him don’t stick around, they’re not meant to be out here. You can’t just… keep getting obsessed over people like this. It’s not healthy, Finn. I don’t want to see you go through that shit again, but I can’t stop you, either. Just—be careful, okay?” Hannah reaches out and puts a hand on his shoulder, and then cups his cheek. She gives him that smile she gives him every time it’s happened before, like it’s already happened again.

And suddenly, Finn isn’t with his dad, or his brothers. 

Finn’s with Kareem, and he’s telling him _ “I wanna do better, I wanna be a better person. I don’t know if I know how. You gotta show me, you gotta tell me. What am I supposed to do? How do I just... be normal?” _ And Kareem’s telling him he’s a good kid with a good heart, that he just needs to find the right people to share that with and keep his ass out of trouble. _ “I know you can do it. You were dealt shitty cards, that doesn’t make you a shitty person, Finn. There’s somebody out there that’s good for you. You’ve got to find your own family now, nothing like this mess. When it happens, you’ll just know.” _

Finn’s with Luca in his tent, getting high and kissing his throat, talking about how they could all just run away together and never look back, and Luca is staring at the picture of his parents on the wall. “_ Yeah… that sounds nice, Finn.” _Finn’s waking up to an empty tent and a note next to his pillow. 

Finn’s with Jenny behind a bar dumpster sharing a beer, and she’s telling him that she’s decided she’s leaving tomorrow, that this “_just wasn’t what she thought it was going to be, _ ” and she “_needs to get back home to her real family, but thanks for making her finally realize that’s what she needed all along.” _

And he’s not surprised, because he’s never there with them at the end, he’s just part of their journey. The boy with the tattoos and piercings and that’s got no family left, the boy that lives on the outskirts of the world, that would be the easiest person ever to forget, that you wonder if he even existed in the first place. The boy that has so much _ love, love, love _to give and people always take it, but they never wanna take it with them when they go.

Finn’s with Hannah in an abandoned house, bawling his eyes out—because nobody was supposed to be here, but here she is—and she’s asking him what the hell his problem is, and he’s saying that “_ Everybody keeps fuckin’ leavin’.“ _ She’s taking a drag off her cigarette and laughing before responding with “ _ Right? What’s up with that?” _

He wishes she looked that unbothered now; like she did when she didn’t know what was going on, when she was just a stranger smoking a cigarette in an abandoned house. Too bad that now she knows damn well what his problem is.

“Yeah. Alright. Thanks, Hans.”

He goes straight to his tent and rolls a joint before realizing he doesn’t really want it. He curls up as small as he can make himself, thinking that maybe if he tries hard enough he can hide from the fact of the matter; Hannah’s right.

He decides he’s gonna need a smoke after all.

//

When Cassidy returns with Sean and Daniel, Finn comes out from his tent to greet them again, and admittedly, a little higher than he was the last time he did.

“My dudes! Back so soon? So, y’all like what’cha see?” 

Daniel’s the first to bolt over to him, jumping with each step.“It’s so cool! I saw the doggie again and got to pet him, and all the plants look like a big forest! They stink though, that was kinda gross.” He wrinkles his nose.

Finn chuckles. Cute kid. “Yeah, they do, don’t they? But hey, you’ll get used to it little man, trust me. Quicker than ya think! What about you, Sean? Everything to your likin’?”

Sean shakes his head with a smile and gives a small shrug. “This is great, man. I seriously can’t thank you enough, it’s like a dream.”

“I dunno if I’d call it _ that _, but I’m glad you’re feelin’ it, Sean. That’s real cool. I’m always happy to help.” 

Cassidy jogs up and doubles over, bracing her hands on her knees. “I hope y’all enjoyed that little tour, you ‘bout wore me out! I put off my shower for this, y’know.” She gives Sean a gap-tooth grin. She’s definitely still crushing.

“It was awesome, Cassidy, thanks for everything. You can go shower now if you want, I think we can take it from here.”

Finn nods to her. “Yeah, I got ‘em, Cass. Go on n’ scrub off that grime before dinner, I don’t want you attractin’ any flies.” 

“I’m gonna put roaches in your tent you piece’a shit.” Cassidy flips him off. 

“Sorry Cass, I don’t think there’s any room left for ya in there between me n’ Hans, unless you wanna swap places with her. Why didn’t you just say so sooner? All this time I thought you was just playin’ hard to get...” 

“You’re real fuckin’ lucky we have company, that’s all I’m gon’ say. I’m getting my goddamn shower, fuck you.”

Cassidy storms off, rips her shirt off the second she turns away from them, and throws it with as much strength as she can muster. It lands directly on top of Finn’s tent. Sean and Daniel look kind of… amused. Sean’s covering his mouth with his fist. 

“Alright, fellas! So, where do y’all wanna stake your tent?” 

“Next to yours!” Daniel says.

“Aw’right, laddie. We better get to work then!” 

//

It takes a couple of days for Sean and Daniel to get settled in at the camp. 

It doesn’t take long for everybody to figure out that they’re those boys from Seattle; the ones that are fugitives on the run after the shooting of their father at the hands of a Seattle police officer, who was also found dead on the scene. They’re the only suspects. They saw the headlines all over the papers in Oregon, nobody asks questions. Everybody 's got their own shit, and Sean and Daniel are nice kids. They’re already working on an illegal pot farm, if the cops show up, everybody is equally fucked. 

Convincing Hannah had been the biggest obstacle that Finn feared, but getting Merrill on board was an absolute nightmare. He vouched for them the best he could, got on his hands and knees and begged, promised that he would teach them all the ropes and take the fall if they fucked anything up. He made it by the skin of his teeth. Merrill made sure he knew that he wouldn’t hold back on punishment if it comes to it, and Finn knows full well that he meant it.

Sean was not nearly as surprised as Finn and Cassidy were expecting him to be over the kind of work they were actually here for. If anything, he seemed kind of… _ excited _ about it. Turns out that city boy’s a stoner himself. Finn thinks that’s kinda hot. He thinks a lot of things about Sean are kinda hot, but that’s a train of thought he’s not quite ready to hop onto yet. He’s not entirely sure where this one’s headed. 

Daniel clings to him like a tick on a dog, and it makes him feel dangerously nostalgic. He’s a tightly wound ball of energy, no room for fear or hesitation in anything he does. Finn knows this must have been what his brothers felt like every time he’d run to them with his arms wide open, asking what the next plan was, always thinking ahead, ready to dive right into anything. 

Sean’s nothing and everything like his big brothers were. He’s extremely careful with Daniel, never trying to be the cool big brother, just the _ responsible _big brother. He’s always warning him to not touch things, to be polite, to be a good kid. He’s also doting, loving, and Finn can tell he’d give Daniel the world if he could. He seems to be way more of a father to Daniel than a brother, and at sixteen, he’s doing an infinitely better job than Finn’s dad ever had. He wonders if Sean was always like this with Daniel. 

Finn’s holding up his promise to Merrill and teaching them _ weed farming 101 _, and surprisingly Sean’s not too shabby. Daniel is… nine. 

Cassidy’s on Daniel duty while Finn shows Sean how to trim.

They’re sat next to Finn’s favorite redwood on the ground, facing each other cross-legged, a cardboard box full of buds between them. It’s all from Finn’s own personal stash, Merrill would never let them bring any of the merchandise back to the camp unless they paid for it out of pocket. Tucker’s curled up next to them, his old head resting on Finn’s lap.

“What the hell kinda jobs d’you work before this? Damn! You’re a natural, my man!”

Sean gets a look of absolute disgust on his face. “_ Retail.” _

“Oh I was thinkin’ more like… on the road? But that kinda explains a lot aw’ready I guess,” Finn chuckles. “Bless your heart. Where’d you work?”

“You won’t believe this. It’s kinda hilarious, actually.” Sean smiles so big that Finn can see the threat of dimples on his face. “I was actually a sales assistant at Z-Mart.” 

Finn howls out a laugh with a hand on his belly. “Oh you gotta be shittin’ me! Are you for real!? Damn, where the hell were you when we spent half an hour lookin’ for Cass’s tampons?”

“Yeah, not my department. I still remember though, aisle eight. In my store, anyway.”

Finn’s grinning so big his face hurts. “What _ was _ your department, then?”

“They always rotated me, usually stocked shelves during the weekdays over summer break and worked registers on the weekends, but even that changed sometimes if somebody called out.” Sean picks up another bud and gets to work. “Well, my best friend Lyla… she took my nametag and scribbled on it, made it look like it said ‘_Sean;_ _Babes Assistant’. _I guess that’s the closest thing I got to having one.” 

“Babes assistant_ , _huh?” Finn picks up one of Sean’s perfectly trimmed buds and holds it up between them. “I guess you still got it! Hope you don’t mind when I come back for some more assistance.” 

Sean snickers. “Yeah, I think I can handle it. Are you sure these are good? Seriously? I’ve only ever gotten these in little bags, had no idea they were this much _ work _.” 

“Trust me, Sean. All the people I’ve taught this shit? You got no idea the horrors I’ve seen. Tear worthy. All those wasted buds… man, I can’t even think about it.” Finn pretends to wipe a tear away.

Sean tosses the fresh trim into the box and rinses off his scissors, turning his hands over to check for cuts—or so Finn thought.

“I guess… maybe it’s because my hands? I actually draw a lot, so it feels kind of familiar. I guess I’m good at keeping a steady hand.” 

Finn mentally tucks that piece of information away for later. 

“That is an _ understatement _, you kiddin’? These are stunnin’, sweetie.” Sean looks unbearably shy. It only makes Finn want to shower him in more praise. “I can’t even imagine what your art’s like. You gotta be like… Picasso or somethin’.” 

“I can show you some of it sometime… if you want? I mean you don’t have to—sorry, that’s kind of embarrassing.”

“I’d love to see it, Sean. Any time. Whenever you want.” 

Sean looks down and smiles. His lashes kiss the tops of his cheeks. “Thanks, Finn. I will. Promise.”

“Oh, Sean, by the way—” Finn digs in his back pocket, searching for what he’s looking for. His fingers finally find it. “Merry Christmas, man.” 

It’s nothing much, just a sew-on patch portraying the sigil of Baphomet that Finn found during a pit-stop and thought was way too fucking cool to pass up; but also not quite confident enough in his ability to pull it off himself. It’s a little edgy, even for him. He thought it would look a lot cooler on a certain black hoodie. 

“Finn… it’s like, February, and I didn’t get you guys anything.” Sean’s trying to refuse it, but his eyes glued to the patch are giving him away. “Hell, all I had for Daniel was a shitty yo-yo I stole from the Christmas tree market. This is… fucking awesome, Finn. Seriously, like you haven’t done enough?”

“Aw... it ain’t nothin’! If Daniel got a present then you deserve one too, right? I’m real glad you like it.” 

“Dude, it’s sick! I think this might be my new favorite patch, I’ll sew it on tonight if Daniel leaves me any time to myself. Damn… I hate I don’t have anything to give you back. I’m sorry, Finn. You’re the best, man.” 

“All I’m askin’ Saint Nick for this year is for you to stop apologizin’! Seriously, I’m just glad to have y’all here, that’s my present, alright?”

“Yeah… alright, fine. Merry belated Christmas, Finn.” 

Sean tucks the patch into the front pocket of his hoodie and gets up on his knees, closes the distance between them, and pulls Finn into a crushing hug. Finn feels his arms moving before he can even register that he’s the one moving them. Tucker groans at the sudden awakening. 

“Oh— shit. Sorry, Tuck.” Finn rubs Tucker’s head as he curls back into place. When he looks back up, he meets Sean’s eyes. They’re still so fucking pretty. “Merry Christmas, sweetheart.”

//

They’ve gained yet another member to the group, a young man named Jacob. He looked so down and out when he arrived that even Hannah hardly objected to him asking if he could stay, to everyone’s shock, especially Sean’s. He arrived under similar circumstances to Sean and Daniel, except he had left home willingly, like Finn. 

Apparently he comes from a religious commune in Haven Point, Nevada. He doesn’t go into details on why exactly he left, but that alone already tells Finn as much as he needs to know. He never did like church. 

He seems almost like wounded, frightened animal. None of them are sure what to do with him. None except for Sean, who oddly enough hits it off with him pretty well. He talks with him almost every morning by his tent. When Finn asked him how they got so close, he just said “_ I guess I know what he feels like… everything changed for him so fast. He’s scared shitless. _”, which told him more about Sean than it did Jacob. 

Finn’s mornings off aren’t as quiet as they used to be, but he finds that he’s totally cool with that, because they’re a whole lot fuckin’ cooler.

Sean usually sleeps in, and unless Daniel or somebody else from the group wakes him up, Finn always lets him. He’ll get up eventually, and start off the day having coffee with Penny and Jacob. 

Sometimes he’ll sit next to Cassidy and listen to her hum her mysterious unnamed songs, and Finn’s noticed he’s started humming along to the ones that he knows if he’s in a good mood. Sometimes he’ll go make conversation with Ingrid and Anders and ask them about how they’ve been, since nobody else really does, and they’ll ask him questions in return Finn that wishes he was close enough to hear the answers to. Sometimes he’ll even try to talk to Hannah. It has yet to go over well, but he knows nothing he says will change her mind, so he hopes she’ll just come around on her own. Eventually.

Lately, Daniel’s opted to seek him out the second he wakes up every morning before he even gets Sean out of bed, and Finn thinks Daniel’s fuckin’ rad, so this isn’t too shabby of a change in schedule for him.

Daniel’s almost always bored, and Finn is really good at solving _ bored. _He starts off with showing Daniel his knife collection, (because what nine-year-old doesn’t love a cool knife?) and it’s an instant success. Finn grabs the cans of spray paint he keeps in his tent for tagging trains, among other rebel activities, and starts marking targets on trees near the lake. He trades in coffee and books in the morning for spray paint and knives, and figures it’s fitting enough.

Sean’s not thrilled about the idea, but he doesn’t tell them to stop doing it either. 

“Knives just sound so… _ edgy _.”

Finn and Daniel both laugh.

Sean rolls his eyes. “Oh, haha, very funny. Come on, what are you, ten?”

“Almost!” Daniel says proudly.

“Sean, he’s a natural! I hardly even helped him, kid’s got badass aim.”

“I trust you, Finn, just… if I’m not around, keep a close eye on him. I don’t need him poking his eye out or something.”

“Of course, sweetie. Always.”

“Oh, Sean! You gotta see Finn’s knives, they’re _ so _ cool! One even has a wolf carved into the handle and he let me hold it! We don’t use that one for throwing though, because it’s from his—” 

“Whoa there Dan, slow down you’re gonna blow his mind! Not everybody is as ready to be a _ knife master _as you are, Sean might need a little more time, aw’right?” 

“Oh, sorry. Yeah, Sean definitely sucks. We’ll teach him though, right!?”

“Of course! If he’s interested, but that’s up to him. You in, Sean?”

Sean looks torn between what’s the right thing to do and what he actually wants to do, which is Finn’s whole entire life, but it looks a lot better on him.

“Yeah, fuck it, why not?” Sean steps forward, and they start walking. “Where the hell do you keep a stash of knives, anyway?”

“Life needs a lil mystery, Sean. That’s one secret you’ll just have to find out later.” 

//

They have an unforgivably long work week, and Finn’s almost positive it’s Merrill’s way of making them all pay for dragging a couple of kids into his already extremely risky place of business. 

He can tell Sean’s pushing himself to his limit with the workload, but he doesn’t ever complain. He always wears a soft smile and keeps on keepin’ on. It’s utterly devastating for Finn’s already fragile emotional state, to say the least.

Daniel is doing the best that a nine-year-old can be expected to do in this situation, which is to say…fair enough. Unlike Sean, he does complain, but who wouldn’t when they shouldn’t even be working for another at least six years? 

Finn remembers playing under the hoods of cars in his dad’s garage at that age. He was always learning what does what; what’s safe to touch; what gets a car running without its keys. He absolutely _ loved _ it. He still does. 

He’s never felt as happy as he did back then, in the golden days of his childhood, squished between his big brothers in the backseat of a car that didn’t belong to them, wind in his hair and his dad at the wheel looking like some kind of god that just pulled the greatest magic trick of all time. He knows he can’t chase that feeling anymore, because he promised Kareem he’d be better. Because he wants to be better. 

Sometimes, though.

Sometimes he can hear the slamming of car doors. The sound of wheels screeching and burning rubber against the pavement. The laughter of his brothers as they shake him by the shoulders and go “_ Finn, we did it! D’you you see that!? Nobody can touch us! This is what family’s all about, we’re gonna be rich! We’re gonna travel the whole world, and you can have whatever you want, as long as you keep up the family business.” _

Sometimes he wonders if they were right. Sometimes he wonders if that’s why shit hasn’t quite worked out for him yet, because he decided he was too good for the_ family business _, and look where he is now. Then he remembers that his brothers are still in prison, and his dad is God Knows Where, but who the fuck cares about him anyway, and he thinks maybe he’s not so bad off. The family he’s got here he got on his own, and they’re more real than the phony bandits and thieves joke of a bunch that he was a part of with his dad and his brothers, and they’re all he needs. 

Except now, he’s starting to think maybe they’re not. Maybe he wants to be greedy. Maybe he wants to be more like his dad than he’ll ever be willing to admit, because Sean’s a good guy, and he doesn’t wanna be here, and all Finn wants is for him and Daniel to stay and join his game of bandits and thieves forever. It feels awful similar to the way his dad would look at cars in parking lots.

They were cars that belonged to somebody else. They probably drove kids to school, drove people to visit their loved ones, took families on vacations, shit that they’d never do again. Shit that Finn’s family had never done in the first place. 

Finn thinks those cars looked painfully similar to what Sean’s life probably looked like before all this mess. His father taking him and Daniel to school; taking Sean to his track meets because apparently he was a _ track star; _going camping; going out for family dinners—maybe not visiting family, though.

Finn thinks about stealing that car. He thinks about stripping it to pieces and selling it off bit by bit, and how that would make him feel. Something pools in his gut, something like disgust. He gets nauseous. He tosses that thought right out, because it’s not one he ever wants to have ever fucking again, and thinks of what he _ would _ do with the car instead. 

He imagines himself popping the hood open, looking underneath, going over everything with a fine-tooth comb until he’s made a list of everything that needs repairing and replacing—and then he puts it back together. 

He looks at Sean, who’s completely focused on scrubbing down the greenhouse with Penny—and he looks at Daniel, who has heavy-lidded eyes and keeps yawning and looks like he just needs a fucking nap, because he defiinitely does, he’s _ nine _ and he’s working a full-time job— and he wishes he could show them the car. Except there is no car, and Finn hasn’t fixed shit, and Sean and Daniel are still homeless and it’s so fucking unfair it makes Finn want to scream until his head explodes.

A voice rings in his ears, all too familiar. 

_ “There’s somebody out there that’s good for you. You’ve got to find your own family now, nothing like this mess. When it happens, you’ll just know.” _

He’ll find a way to fix up that car if it kills him.

//

After work, Finn jumps straight into the shower to rinse off all the potting soil he got on himself tending to the plants. He gets right in and right out, knowing that Cassidy won’t hesitate to drag his ass out naked in front of everyone if he runs overtime into her schedule, mostly because she has before. 

He throws on nothing but a pair of pants and his sneakers, because god damn it he missed laundry day _ again _and he’s got to save the one clean shirt he has left for work tomorrow, and he wants to go to the lake now so those things are a conflict of interest. He may or may not get high, too, but he’s still undecided. 

Penny catches him as he’s heading out and grabs him by the arm. “Whoa, where the hell are you goin’ this late? And…” Penny glances down, eyes big as they are met with a bare chest. “Without a damn shirt on?”

He didn’t count on anybody seeing him, but Penny doesn’t miss anything, _ ever _.

“Aw just… down to the lake, I guess. Figured I’d watch the sunset, kinda need it after today. Just wanna… unwind… let loose. Oh, n’ I need to do laundry so, guess the lake’s gettin’ a show tonight.” 

Penny wheezes out a laugh. “Alright then, I won’t keep you but… you sure you’re alright? You’ve just seemed kinda… I dunno, man. Somethin’ seems up, just thought I’d ask.”

Is it _ that _obvious that he looks like he’s losing his damn mind?

“Aw, man nah it’s… it’s nothin’. Just work, I’m tired. Y’know how it is, Pennywise.”

Penny doesn’t look convinced in the slightest. “If you say so, baby. You know I’m always here if you need to talk, so don’t be a stranger. You’re real cool, Finn. I don’t wanna see you lose that.” 

“I ‘preciate that, Penny. I’ll remember next time I’m feelin’ down, Nothin’ cheers you up quite like a clown, right?” 

“Get the hell outta here and get to that fuckin’ lake, you big fool.”

“Good talkin’ to ya, Pennywise. Love ya, man.”

“Love you too, my man. Talk later.” 

Finn walks until he sees water.

He plops down on the dirt and gets as comfortable as one possibly can when sitting on the ground and decides to light up. It doesn’t take long for his brain to go straight into crisis mode. He can’t get high quick enough.

It’s a suffocating feeling, one he keeps telling himself that he’s done falling into, only to do it over and over, and this must be hell because it’s worse than all the other times combined. It’s _so_ much worse, like indescribably worse, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Sean’s not here because he wants to be. Sean is here because he _ has _ to be, because he’s got no other options. Finn knows it well, that this is and never will be a permanent place for Sean and Daniel, that this is little more than a rest stop on their long road ahead. As soon as they save up enough cash, they’ll be out of here. 

Their conversations are little more than truck stop chatter, talks of their journeys and the sights they’ve seen, about how tired they are, their dreams of a life far far away. It’s unrealistic to expect that Sean even has the capacity for anything close to resembling a romantic relationship at a time like this. Hell, it’s downright unfair. 

But the heart wants what it wants, just like Finn.

He takes a long drag from his joint, holds the smoke in his lungs until they start to tighten up and burn, and then watches it go. It looks like fog on the water, like it’s early morning. He stays like that for a while, zoned out staring at the treetops, thoughts on the past, present, and future. 

There’s suddenly the distinct crunch of leaves and gravel from behind, and Finn is thrust from his moment of reflection, dragged straight back to reality. Hannah’s probably ready for him to head to the tent already. Nothing quite like a good fuck to take your mind off of unwanted feelings anyway. 

“Finn! There you are!” Sean calls to him. 

_ Fuck, fuck, fuck. _

“The guys sent me—said you were probably out here. Cass and Penny started dinner. I think it’s Hamburger Helper again, minus the hamburger, like, double the helper. No beef left.” 

“Thanks, sweetie. I’ll be up in a few minutes I was just.. havin’ a smoke. Thinkin’ about stuff, y’know how it is.” He takes another puff, then lets it out between his teeth. “I just love the view out here this time’a day… looks like… a dragon flew by or some shit.” 

“Whoa! It’s beautiful…” Sean gawks up at the sky, painted orange and red like campfire. “You mind if I sit down here for a minute? It’s okay if I’m interrupting or something, you can say no.”

“Nah, sweetheart! Have a seat. I’m not really… doin’ anything. Nothin’ important.”

“What? Thinking’s not important?”

“Depends on what you’re thinkin about!”

_ And God, I’m thinkin’ about some real stupid shit. _

“Maybe…” Sean picks up a pebble and starts twirling it between his fingers. “One thing I learned from—all this… is how much I used to take moments of silence for granted. I feel like I’ve hit the jackpot if I get time to think about anything besides what’s happening in the moment, I guess. It’s a luxury these days.”

Finn thinks he has a few too many moments like that these days. 

“Like if I get to draw something... that’s basically a miracle. I miss the quiet in my room so much, just me on my bed listening to the traffic outside, or my headphones. Sometimes I wish I could just lay in silence in a dark room again.”

“We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, Sean. We can do whatever you want to, s’not like I was expectin’ company anyway—not that I mind! If you wanna talk, we’ll talk. If not, you’re welcome to help yourself to my little friend, enjoy the view, enjoy the _ buzz _.” He gestures his hand towards Sean with his joint pressed between his thumb and forefinger. 

Sean looks quickly between Finn and the offered joint. It’s kind of hilarious how closely the scene resembles a drug safety PSA, Sean’s totally about to do the thing they warn you to absolutely not do. “Are you sure? That’s not like, weird to you or anything? I’m really not trying to creep you out, swear.” 

An urge to reach out and brush Sean’s fingers makes Finn’s hands feel itchy. It’s not dissimilar to the feeling he gets when he sees tip jars on cafe counters; cash register drawers in a gas station; a wallet sticking temptingly far out of somebody’s back pocket.

“You kiddin’? You make me feel a lotta things, Sean, creeped out sure as hell ain’t one of ‘em.” He sticks his hand out a little bit further, arm now fully extended to Sean. “I’m serious! It’s fine.”

Sean just smiles and nods. He’s never commented on Finn’s—_what he would consider to be blatantly obvious and even desperate _—attempts at flirting. Finn figures he’s either laughing it off because he’s shy or he’s oblivious, or worse, he thinks he’s joking. Unfortunately, he’s never been more serious about anything in his life. 

“Cool. Thanks, Finn.”

“My pleasure.”

They sit side by side, passing the joint back and forth, surrounded by smoke and a darkening sunset slowly swallowing them up, then all at once. Finn feels like a whole lot more is swallowing him up than weed smoke and moonlight. 

He’s been around Sean half-naked more times than he can count over the past few weeks, usually in passing when they take showers back to back, or in the morning over breakfast when he’s too lazy to put on anything more than pants after a night with Hannah, but right now he feels strangely vulnerable without a shirt on his back. 

Even in the darkness of night, Sean has his heart feeling so bared it might as well be laid out to leather in the scorching Humboldt sun.

Bonds are a complicated thing, and despite it, Finn was so sure he had ‘em down by now. He’s a free spirit for God’s sake, free to live away from the constraints of society and everything relationships are supposed to be like. He’s gained and lost more people than most by his age, and he learned early on it was much easier to go with the flow. _ Like a river _. Let ‘em come, let ‘em go, ride the waves. He knows better than anybody, you can’t make people stay.

He’s a fuck buddy to Hannah; (and though they haven’t said it out loud, a soulmate, in a way, just not romantically. God, never romantically.) He’s like a brother to Cass. He’s a pretty good friend to Penny. He’s just a big _ kid _ to Daniel. And he’s… a friend... to Sean. Finally, he feels like he can call it that.

He values it so much it hurts him. The fact that he even knows Sean at all; the fact that their paths were able to cross again; the fact that Sean’s here now; it’s all way too good to be true. 

But Finn’s his father’s son, and he always wants more than he’s already got. 

He looks over at the beautiful boy with his heart in his hands and he wonders if he’ll remember this moment when he’s gone from here. He wonders if he’ll take it with him when he goes. 

He can’t be certain—because nothing ever is, not so long as he’s been alive—but his chest strangely already feels a little bit emptier when Sean stands up.

“I’m gonna head back, food’s probably done and I’m starving like hell.” Sean brushes the dirt from the back of his pants, Finn thinks they could use a few more patches. He tucks that thought away for later. “Thanks, Finn. I really fucking needed that. It was cool.” 

“You’re welcome, Sean. My pleasure, really.” 

_ As always. _

//

Finn lies awake, staring at the tarp roof of his tent, post-coitus with Hannah. It’s been like half an hour, and she’s reasonably probably asleep by now. If she’s not, she’s awfully still. 

They’ve got work first thing in the morning and he should have been asleep at least an hour ago, but he’s in the throes of a life crisis that’s making that pretty damn hard at the moment, so here he is.

For the first time since he left home, his heart feels torn two ways. 

On one hand, this is his family, and he’ll always have a home here with Hannah and Cassidy even if everybody else goes. They’ll always be together, even when Sean and Daniel are long gone and headed off to Mexico. 

On the other, he thinks about what would happen if he packed up his bags in the middle of the night with Sean and Daniel, plenty of money saved up for the road, and headed to Mexico with them, leaving everything else behind. 

He wants it both ways, and he always will, but Sean and Daniel can never stay here, and the others will never so much as consider going to Mexico. That’s the tragedy of it.

Finn has to decide who he wants to be in his family, and right now all he can think about is his feet in the sand on a beach in Mexico. It scares him how easily he thinks he could do it right now, if Sean showed up asking him to leave with them. He thinks he would. He can’t do that to Hannah and Cass, there’s no way in hell, but it doesn’t stop him from playing the scenario out over and over in his head

“Hey, Hans?”

“I’m asleep, Finn.” 

Hannah’s curled up, facing away from him, her hair wildly splayed out across her bare shoulders. Both of them only bothered to put on a pair of underwear each, just too tired to give a fuck, even though it’s freezing.

“Naw you ain’t. You think I don’t know that you snore my ear off every night? I’m goin’ deaf young, is me bein’ jailbait not enough for you? You tryin’ to age me quicker or somethin’?”

She snaps up to her elbows and glares daggers at him over her shoulder. 

“Finn, that’s not fucking funny. I’ll go to my tent right now and starting tomorrow we won’t do this anymore if that’s what you want. Come on, we’ve talked about this. You know better than that.”

He used to know a lot of things. 

“Sorry, sorry. Forget I said anything. I was just… I just got a lot on my mind’s all. I shouldn’t’a said that. Just… go on back to sleep.” 

She sighs, already exasperated with him. “We’re both up, so you might as well spit it out. What’s got you freaking out so bad, anyway?”

“I’m a fuckin’ idiot, Hans.” His voice shakes, the words coming out before his brain can stop them, like a dam breaking. 

Hannah’s pinched brow quickly dissolves into wide-eyed concern. Fuck, this isn’t how he wanted this to go at all.

“Finn, Jesus Christ what’s going on? Did something happen? Do I need to beat somebody’s ass?” She rolls completely over to face him and brushes her hand across his cheek. He doesn’t realize until she wipes under his eyes that he’s shed tears. 

“No—_no _.”

“Then what?”

“I love Sean.” The words feel like tar in his mouth, sticking to everything, impossible to clean up now. Like mopping up grease with water. “Hell, worse than that. I think I’m_ in _ love with Sean.”

“Finn, you know that he’s—”

“Dammit Hannah I know, just listen to me, please. I know I’m bein’ a fuckin’ idiot that’s why I just said I’m a fuckin’ idiot.”

Hannah snaps her mouth shut. It’s a first.

“I just… had to say it out loud to somebody ‘fore… ‘fore it came out to the wrong person.” _ The _ person, the one that’s the center of all of this, the point of everything. “I know it’s not fair to Sean. I won’t say anything but I can’t—Hans you know I can’t help it. This is all I ever fuckin’ do is ruin things because he—my dad fucked me up, Hans. He’s out there doin’ fuck knows what, and he left me on my own and I’m stuck always tryin’ to figure this shit out, and I can’t. I never fuckin’ can—’”

Fuck. He didn’t want to go down this road, not tonight, not after he sat by the lake with Sean and they shared a joint and watch the sunset in silence together. This was the last thing he wanted to fall asleep thinking about why does he ruin everything, why does he ruin fucking _ everything _?

“Finn, listen to me. I love you. You’re not your father, you aren’t his mistakes, you’re not his fucking prodigy or whatever the hell it is you’ve convinced yourself you’re doomed to be and I am not going to lay here with my tits out in a tent when I could be sleeping and let you say that shit. Do you understand me?”

“Thanks, Hans, really.” He sniffles. There’s snot on his septum ring. “I know you’re right ‘n all it’s just… hard sometimes. Feels like I’ll never be free from him. I can’t figure out what it is I’m missin’... every time I think I got it figured out, turns out I figured wrong.”

“Trust me, Finn. I know the feeling. You know I know the feeling, just as well as you do.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry Hans. I wasn’t tryin’ to… bring up old shit or nothin’. Just needed to vent, I guess. I know you’re tryin’ to get to bed, I swear I’ll shut the hell up if you want. I need to get my ass to sleep too.”

“Hey, don’t sweat it.” Her face relaxes, but Finn can tell she’s not done talking. “So… what are you gonna do about—y’know... Sean?”

What a loaded fucking question that is.

Finn huffs out his nose. “I was hopin’ you’d tell me, prophet.”

“For fuck’s sake, Finn, of all the people-” Hannah shakes her head. “Nevermind, sorry. I may be wise, but this isn’t my greatest field.” 

“Are you really tellin’ me that_ Hannah Reyome _ don’t have shit’ to say? Damn, the one time I’m askin’ for it too. Shit, I really have run outta luck.” 

“Sorry, bud. I could try but… I don’t like to say things when I’m not one hundred percent confident in them and well, I can’t say I am on anything I’m pulling right now.”

Finn nods and gives her a smile best he can, tears still washing their way down his cheeks. He probably looks crazy right now, he thinks. It’s fitting, he feels like it.

“I can’t leave you hanging though, so take this with a grain of salt,” She grabs Finn’s hand and squeezes it tight. “He’s more fragile than he probably looks right now, Finn. I wouldn’t… put this kind of thing on him unless something happens where you feel like it’s right to. You’ve gotta give him the reins on this.” 

“I never planned to—I mean… yeah, I know. I wouldn’t do that to him, Hans,”

She smiles at him sadly, like she can’t stand that she can’t take this hurt away for him. 

“But what should I do about me? I feel like I’m kinda losin’ it, it keeps fuckin’ me up real bad. I wish I could just… turn it off. Stupid.”

“You know you can’t do that, Finn. You saw how Cassidy was when Kyle decided to go back to Texas. Fuck, I’m still not sure if she’s over that.”

How could he ever forget about that? Cassidy’s screams, Cassidy angry and throwing and breaking shit like nothing else mattered to her at that moment besides the fact that Kyle was gone and nothing would bring him back. It was like the world around her stopped existing. When the anger stopped she would cry so hard she would hyperventilate, and Finn or Hannah would calm her down and get her to breathe again. 

She had to be rocked to sleep almost every night for a month straight. At the time, Finn understood on some level, he had lost a whole family and several friends before, but he had never lost a lover, not like this. Not like Penny, either. That’s a thought he absolutely refuses to entertain now or ever.

He’s still sobbing softly. It feels like it’s been so overdue that now it just doesn’t want to stop, and Hannah just holds him, just like she would hold Cassidy all those months ago, when a boy took her heart back to Texas. 

Finn knows that he’s got two choices, and for the first time in years, they aren’t his to make. It absolutely terrifies him. 

He imagines Sean leaving just like Kyle did; just like Luca; just like Jenny; homeward bound, just like he plans to do. Off to Puerto Lobos, Finn’s heart in his hands. 

Finn’s with Sean riding shotgun in a car. It’s not just any car, it’s _ the _ car, the one he promised Sean and Daniel he’d fix, and now it’s their escape vehicle. The wide open desert is stretched out in front of them for as far as they can see, and the radio’s turned all the way up.

The slamming of car doors. The sound of wheels screeching and burning rubber against the pavement. The laughter of Sean and Daniel as they shake him by the shoulders and go “_ Finn, we did it! We’re in Mexico! We made it, we actually made it!” _

He has a dangerous thought. One he really doesn’t want to have, but it’s right there, God it’s right fucking there. 

Maybe his dad and his brothers were right. 

“Y_ou can have whatever you want, as long as you keep up the family business.” _

No. _ Fuck no. _

He thinks about what Kareem would tell him right now, if he were right here and Finn was able to cry on his shoulder instead of Hannah’s. It’s been a while since he’s written him, and he knows it’s overdue now for sure. He decides he’ll write him tomorrow, and he can only hope to hear back soon.

_ “I wanna do better, I wanna be a better person. I don’t know if I know how. You gotta show me, you gotta tell me. What am I supposed to do?” _

He still doesn’t fuckin’ know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer than I meant for it to be, I hope that's OKAYYYY I got kind of carried away with it and kept thinking of scenes I wanted to add in, so I hope its like... cohesive enough omg anyways
> 
> Here's some small moments we didn't get to see in game and how i imagined they might have gone, I referenced from Sean's journal as much as I could but luckily there was still some wiggle room for a few things.
> 
> i really enjoy writing from Finn's memories and inner thoughts, we aren't actually sure what his feelings are towards his family or what he felt towards them prior to his father's betrayal , and it's fun to run kind of wild with that! I also imagine that when he said "that's me, always gettin' obsessed over people I meet." to Sean that he wasn't just referring to the current group, I don't think it's realistic to believe that everybody he's met on the road stuck around and I wonder what kind of people he's been drawn to before. 
> 
> I'm trying my best to be careful and stick to what's believable from his canon actions, especially since I'll be getting into actual wastelands content next, so I hope it's coming across that way.
> 
> thank you again to everybody for the support!!! see u soon!!
> 
> *edit* oh and I also wanted to mention that the bit about Cassidy’s ex-boyfriend Kyle comes from her character profile video! It’s something I wish they had been able to include more in the game because it explains a lot about her character, so I really wanted to include it. If any of you havent’t watched it and the ones for Finn and Hannah as well I highly recommend them!! They’re helping me out a lot with this story 🥺🥺🥺


	4. Rifles & Soft Hands

Finn finds himself subconsciously avoiding Sean for a couple of days after his talk with Hannah. 

He sticks to his promise to himself and writes Kareem, seals up the letter without reading it over in fear that he’ll backtrack and toss it out, and tells himself that’s that. 

Except it’s not, because writing to his old parole officer about his feelings for Sean isn’t him actually doing anything about his feelings for Sean, and interacting with him feels like swallowing a roach ever since their evening by the lake. 

Hannah’s definitely noticed, but she hasn’t said anything about it, just given caring looks and rubbed his back here and there, offered him a blunt or whatever else she can think of to cheer him up. They’ve still been hooking up as usual, but Finn can tell he’s just not into it like he used to be, and she probably can too. That makes him feel significantly shittier. 

Cassidy, honest as always, _ does _ ask him about it. When they’re at work, no less, wrist-deep in terracotta pots. 

“Hey… you good, dude? You just seemed real… not yourself for a couple’a days, I guess. Is somethin’ up?” 

Finn nervous laughs, his signature _ eheh. _“Whatcha mean, sis?”

“Oh c’mon, I ain’t blind.” Cassidy packs soil down into the pot with her bare hands. “You’ve been actin’ like a kicked puppy or somethin’, did you fight with Hannah?”

He flicks at some dirt on his shoe. It’s not_ technically _a lie if he says no.

“Oh, nah, nothin’ like that. Me and Hans are fine it’s… nothin’, really. Maybe I’m gettin’ sick, Merrill keeps stickin’ me out here in the damn rain, I’m probably comin’ down with pneumonia or some shit like that. Guess I haven’t… ah, shit,” Finn knocks over an entire back of potting soil with his elbow. “Noticed.” 

Cassidy opens her mouth to respond, and Big Joe steps between them with a smack of his boot against the wet ground. 

“Hey, stop fucking gossiping and get to work you buncha queens, and clean this shit up before Merrill sees it. You don’t get paid to fuck around like high schoolers.”

Finn doesn’t look up at him. “Sorry, Big Joseph. My bad, my bad.”

“Whatever. Just do your goddamn job.” 

“Yessir!”

Big Joe walks off to go ruin somebody else’s day, and Finn and Cassidy breathe a sigh of relief.

“_Cunt.”_ Cassidy says under her breath, only loud enough for Finn to hear. “You alright?”

“Yeah…” Finn snickers. “He’s always true to himself, damn goon. I’m fine, used to it.” 

Cassidy just nods. They wait until he heads inside to start talking again. Cassidy’s the one to break the silence.

“So… you’re sure nothin’s up? You think I don’t notice shit like that after all we’ve been through? I haven’t seen you this bummed out since—” Cassidy bites her tongue with how quick she slams her mouth shut on the sentence. Finn’s grateful for it.

“Thanks for droppin’ that one, Cass.”

“Sorry, Finn, I didn’t mean to… you know. I get it. I wasn’t thinkin’, I just… it’s hard to not be reminded when I see you like this. It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, well. I don’t know what to tell you, Cass. I’m figurin’ this shit out too right now, I guess.”

Cassidy gives him a pained smile and gets back to work, quiet for as long as she can stand to be, until she can’t anymore.

“Okay, don’t be mad at me for askin’ this.” She says, cautious.

Finn just looks at her and rolls his eyes. “Well, c’mon, shoot.”

“Does this have somethin’ to do with… Sean?” 

Finn just keeps staring at her, waiting for her to get it all out, because he doesn’t even know where to begin with that question.

“I know you like him, Finn. That much has been obvious ever since Beaver Creek, I guess I just didn’t know you were takin’ it this… hard. I mean, if that’s what this is about, if not then I feel real stupid right now and feel free to correct me but… I don’t know what else it could be, unless there’s somebody I don’t know ‘bout.”

Finn opens and closes his mouth over and over, each word he’s chosen feeling wrong on his tongue. Nothing feels like the right thing to say. He doesn’t know the answer.

“The short answer is… yeah. I guess. That’s as much as I can give you, Cass. I’m not sure what’s goin’ on right now either, I gotta… figure it out, y’know? I don’t want another—” Cassidy’s brow twitches. They’re both stepping on each other’s toes today.

“You know. I’m just tryin’ to be careful.”

“Okay. Thanks for… tellin’ me, Finn. You know you can always talk to me if you need to. Or if you want to. I just hate seein’ you like this.”

He hates being pitied like this. It’s something that will always feel so foreign, so forbidden, like it’s something he doesn’t deserve. He’ll always be a product of his raise. 

“I know, Cass. I appreciate it. I love ya.”

Cassidy gives him a big gap-toothed dimpled smile. “I love you too, dude.”

//

Finn is ten years old and his father just bought him his first gun for his birthday. Okay, he probably didn’t _ buy _it, in hindsight, but regardless, now Finn holds the case in his small lap. 

‘_Our lil Finn is growin’ up, he’s a man now!_’ his brothers shout, voices loud and proud, the warmth of family surrounding him.

His dad looms over him, so tall that he always looked like he could scoop the stars out of the sky. It was a sight that Finn was very used to, looking up at him like dark clouds before a storm, trying to figure out what comes next, and if there’ll be lightning.

_ “Now hey... I got this for ya just in case things get tough. You ain’t no baby anymore, your brothers can’t watch out for you all the time. It’s every man for himself from now on, you got it?” _

“_Yessir!_” 

_ “This is a right of passage, I’m trustin’ you to hold your own, you understand me? I know you can do it, you’re smart as can be, just like me. Wise beyond your years._”

Just like him. Just like him. Just like him.

Finn doesn’t think there’s a better goal in the world, can’t imagine a higher standard to be held up to than that. His dad’s made it seem that way, anyways, like it’s his finish line, and now he’s about to finally cross it. He’s only ten and he’s already reached his peak, already at adulthood. Who else can say that? Nobody he’s ever met.

Sometimes he doesn’t understand why they can’t just live like the families he sees on TV, like the families that live in the houses around theirs. He feels like he missed some vital step somewhere; _ being a child_. 

He tells himself that this is cooler. He’s better than those other kids because he got to skip over all that lame stuff like making friends at school and going on family vacations and having parents that pick him up when he falls down and cries instead of telling him to grow the fuck up and get off the floor. At least he has the best brothers ever, and that counts for something. Now he gets to be one of the big kids right there beside them. Today’s his birthday and he’s king of the world, just like his dad. 

_ Just like his dad. _

His mood goes from near euphoria to a sudden panic. His hands tremble on the latches, almost aching at the thought of actually lifting it open and seeing what lay inside— and he doesn’t understand why. 

“_C’mon, Finn! Open it up n’ let us see! Aren’t you excited?” _

His brothers cheer him on, encouragingly patting his shoulders on both sides. It makes him feel like a bottle of soda being shaken up, only to inevitably be opened, and explode everywhere. 

His father is still standing before him like a statue made of solid rock; one he feels like he could be crushed underneath the weight of at any moment.

Finn caves under the pressure and snaps the lid to the case open, revealing a rifle inside. He has no idea what the make or model means, or what value it gives the gun, he just knows he _ really _ doesn’t want to pick it up. 

“_Finn, what the hell are you waitin’ for? Pick it up! Let’s go try it out!” _

His lip trembles, and he gets so deeply angry with himself, because this didn’t fly when he was _ five _ and it sure as hell won’t now that he’s _ ten, _ and he knows he can’t let it get any further than this. His dad just told him he’s not a kid anymore. It’s just a gun. _ It’s just a gun. _

But that’s not it. The moment he picks it up he knows that’ll be the point of no return. No more babying, no more soft words, no more being a kid. He’s seen his brothers go through it, he knows how this goes, and he really doesn’t want it. His dad won’t hold back anymore after this. 

“_Finn… what’s the matter bud? You okay?” _His brothers faces all drop, and he knows he’s been caught. He’s never been good at this. Lying.

_ No. _

_ “Yeah! Yeah I’m just… kinda overwhelmed… it’s cool. Thanks, pop.” _

_ “Hey, those better be happy tears, boy. Pick up the goddamn gun n’ let’s go.” _

He stares at the gun in his lap until the tears in his eyes go back to where they came from and wipes the rest away. He picks it up, feels the weight of it in his hands, and it finally hits him. He doesn’t think he wants to be like his dad anymore.

It doesn’t matter. This is the ultimatum he’s always had; be his dad, or be nobody. His brothers already made their choice, and how can he be the first to break the chain? That would make him the weak link. Weak isn’t an option, _ that’s rule number one. _

He had just turned fourteen when the officer informed him that he was under arrest, along with all his brothers, for a laundry list of crimes that they all knew weren’t theirs. They had been expected to testify, which was hard enough, but they never got the chance. 

His mind had immediately flashed back to that day; his birthday when his dad bought him his first gun; in that moment he wished more than anything he would have just turned it right on him and taken off with his brothers. But he didn’t. He wiped off his tears on the sleeve of his pajamas and went out in the yard to shoot at beer cans with it instead, his brothers proud and at his side. 

They failed at being their father, so they all got to be nobody, discarded and left to be forgotten.

Finn figures he got lucky, because of his young age and good behavior he got out much earlier than any of his older brothers ever will, but he can’t. His head always goes back to that day in the yard with his brothers. He imagines what it would be like if they were here with him now, because maybe in another life they could have been— in another life where he wasn’t so scared because of a silly gun. In another life where he wasn’t so scared of his piece of shit paper man of a father. The past is the past though, and _ memories are just lessons for the future _, right? Except now his brothers don’t have one. 

That thought has plagued him for nearly every day since, until lately. Because lately, he met Daniel. 

Daniel, who is nine years old, with all the childlike wonder and innocence that he was never allowed or afforded. 

Daniel, whose father was like those he saw on the TV as a kid, like the father he always secretly wished he had, that Sean and Daniel were lucky enough to have, and now he’s dead. 

Daniel, who for all the right reasons shouldn’t be here, because Daniel was dealt _ good _ cards, and so was Sean. 

Shitty dads or dead dads; childhoods spent at home or committing grand theft auto; now they’re all in the same place, because life is a bitch, and apparently it’s never too late for her to really show her ass. It’s starting to make Finn question everything he’s ever convinced himself of. 

Daniel’s nearly the same age Finn was when he got that gun, just like the version of himself that he blames for everything in his life going to complete shit. The thing is, Daniel _ did _ pull the trigger. Not literally, of course, but that’s what nearly every person across the United States is convinced he and Sean both have done. It’s why they’re here in the first place. It makes him sick. They’re just kids that got put into a situation they never should have been put into in the first place—and so was Finn. 

It shocks him every time Sean and Daniel make him realize little things like this about himself, things he had resigned himself to being forever. He’s met so many people out on the road that he’s lost count of hundreds of names and faces, but he could never forget theirs. He’d never want to, even if one day it hurts like hell.

//

It’s been about a month since Sean and Daniel joined the group, and Finn’s starting to feel like they have always been there, a part of it. It scares him how easy it is; when Daniel comes to him in the morning asking if they have time to play a quick game by the lake before work; when Sean joins him in the evenings with a beer in his hand, and they just sit side by side on a log together and talk about their day; when he plays hide and seek in the woods with everyone in the dark and it feels like he’s carving their initials together on every tree he touches; carving them onto his heart. 

It’s scary how much it feels like… family. 

What he has with Cassidy, with Hannah, with every other person that comes and goes from this version of his life, it works. They make it work and they stick together and it’s a family, as much as a family can be made of people like them. But it’s always clear that they’re all very different people doing just that— making it work. He doesn’t have to make it work with Sean and Daniel, it just does. 

There’s something easy... _ familiar _ about it. It feels like what his childhood may have been like, if it hadn’t been completely bastardized beyond recognition of one. It’s like he’s finally catching up on the memories that are ten years overdue.

Every morning he spends throwing knives with Daniel is one he gets to shove in place of the ones he spent doing it with his dad. Every night he spends huddled up with Sean by the campfire eats up the ones he spent huddled between his brothers; in a junkyard, in the backseat of stolen car, cowering underneath a statue whose shadow he was desperately trying and failing to fill.

It makes him feel reckless. It makes him do something downright _ risky. _Finn entertains the idea that this might be the moment that the rug isn’t pulled out from underneath him. 

He wonders if God, or whoever, _ whatever _ it is up there is real, that for once in his life this won’t be another ‘gotcha!’ moment. Something about it feels so well planned, so perfectly orchestrated, like planets in orbit around the sun; like however magnets work; like it has no reason to make any sense, but it doesn’t need to, because it just does. It just fucking does. 

That seems good enough for Finn. He’s tired of questioning good things happening every once in a while, and maybe even he does deserve them from time to time. That’s still the hardest part to stomach. It seems too false, too wrong.

That doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy it, though, so he does, for now. 

“No fuckin’ way dude! You serious!? That was three in a row, you are crazy good at this!” 

Finn jogs over to the redwood to pull his knife out, one given to him by his father. He had never used it for this before, wanting to preserve it as the last tangible piece of his childhood he had left; the only thing he took from home besides a couple of pictures before never returning again. 

Sean and Daniel made him realize there was no point to it. They had a great dad, a dad worth remembering, and all they have to show for it is a tiny picture of him stuck to the wall of their tent with scotch tape. It made him feel almost… guilty. It’s just a knife, and Daniel thinks it’s cool. Daniel deserves way more than Finn’s dad ever did, so if Daniel wants to throw his dad’s shitty old knife at a tree all day long, then that’s what Daniel gets. 

“Am I_ awesome possum _?” Daniel asks, grinning from ear to ear.

Finn wipes the blade on his pants. “Man… you’re _ so _ beyond awesome possum, you’re like… a wizard or some shit. What the hell’d they feed you growin’ up?” 

“I knew eating all that Choc-o-Crisp would pay off! Nobody ever believed me! Dad always said I was just gonna get a bunch of cavities and rot all my teeth out. The joke’s on them though, now I’m a fucking ninja! Right, Finn?”

“Hell yeah you are, my man! Wanna see if you can make it four in a row?”

“I _ know _ I can do it!” Daniel makes grabby hands up at Finn, standing on his tiptoes. “Here, lemme see it!”

“Go for it, Dan! She’s all yours.” 

Daniel gives him a big smile and grabs the knife, holding it carefully by the very tip of the blade. He focuses hard on the spray paint target, steadies his arm, and _ boom, bullseye. _Finn feels like his eyes are playing tricks on him every time he does it. He could almost swear it’s like the tree has a huge magnet inside the he can’t see, the knife doesn’t ever miss, not even by an inch. 

“Get out of here! How!? How can you be so good at this!?” 

Daniel’s smiling so big that Finn thinks his cheeks might split open any second. He recently started wearing a bandanna around his neck, styled just like Finn’s own.

He would never point it out, because nothing was worse to him growing up than when his brothers accused him of _ copying _ , but this is the first time he’s been the one being _ copied _. It makes his heart swell so much every time he sees it that he feels like he might throw it right up. 

“I’m gonna have you beat in no time!”

“I think you already have, my man! You wanna give it one more shot n’ see if you can make an even five?” 

“Duh! Easy peasy.”

“That’s what I like to hear!” Finn fetches the knife from the tree, right from the bulls eye. “Y’know, big bro’s gonna be up soon… he’ll probably wanna spend some time with you too, ‘fore work.” 

Daniel’s face drops like a stone in a lake. 

“No he won’t.” Daniel looks down at his feet, at the dirt. The sight makes Finn wince. “He’s got all his new friends to hang out with now, he doesn’t give a shit about me anymore.” 

“Hey now c’mon Dan, you know that’s not true he’s just—”

“He’s just _ what? _You don’t have to lie to me, Finn, I know you can tell. He’s sick of me. He treats me like I’m a baby, like I haven’t been through all the same stuff he has. It’s so stupid.” 

Finn has noticed, he was just hoping Daniel hadn’t. 

The current him; the one that lives with zero obligations to anything or anyone and never settles down; totally gets where Sean’s coming from.

He probably doesn’t even realize that he’s been casting Daniel away, he’s just finally starting to feel his age again, like a normal teenager. Sean is sixteen and he probably just wants to hang out with people his age, getting drunk and high and acting stupid, just like every teenager deserves. Daniel’s a piece of that puzzle that doesn’t fit, so he’s left out of it.

The other him, the one that’s been a baby brother all his life, the one that always felt like he was thrown out for scrap at the junkyard, totally gets why Daniel feels the way he does about it.

It’s not Sean’s fault, but who else is Daniel going to blame? You have to blame somebody, or else you’re the problem. It’s not something Finn would wish on anyone, especially not Daniel. Realizing your family would be indifferent to you being around or not is a real tough pill to swallow, and in Daniel’s case Finn knows it’s not even true—not with Sean. He knows too well that nothing he says will convince Daniel otherwise, that’s something only Sean can do. 

“Daniel… listen. I’m not gonna tell you how to feel, ‘cause that ain’t my place, but—“ Daniel looks at him with an expression of betrayal, like he already knows Finn’s about to side with Sean, like he’s not convinced Daniel knows anything about anything either. “I think if you’re feelin’ like that then you should tell him. He might not even know you’re feelin’ like that, y’know?”

“He’ll just say I’m acting like a brat! It’s what he always does, like… like he’s the only one allowed to be angry. When I get angry I’m just acting like a little kid, but when he gets angry, that makes him a grownup. It’s so shitty Finn, I hate it.” 

Finn wants more than anything to tell him it’s not true, but he can’t, not when Daniel’s being this open and honest with him. The last thing he needs is Finn telling him he’s being ridiculous too, especially when it’s not true. 

This feels way too much like a conversation with his younger self, one he used to always daydream of having with somebody, anybody that would listen—one he never got.

“You ain’t bein’ a brat for bein’ upset, Daniel. I don’t think Sean really thinks that either he’s just… in a different place right now… figurin’ his own shit out. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to feel what you’re feelin’, alright? No matter what anybody else says. Well, that’s what I think, anyway. Now what I _ know _ is that there’s nothin’ wrong with you. You gotta know that if you don’t know nothin’ else.” 

Daniel’s eyes float around like he’s trying to process what he just heard, trying to find the right way to respond to it. He seems unsure whether to be offended or not.

“I guess you’re right, Finn... I think maybe I’ll talk to him... if I get the chance.” Daniel kicks at the dirt and bites at his lower lip, still looking at his shoes. “Do— do you think he’ll get mad? If I tell him I feel like that, I mean...” 

“I wish I could say for sure, lil man, but I don’t have the answer to that. You’re just gonna have to find out,” Daniel’s frown creeps back up onto his face. “And if he does? We’ll uh… we’ll beat him up!”

“Wait, are you serious!? I don’t know if that’s—”

“I’m just playin’, Dan! Naw, we ain’t beatin’ up Sean—well, _ I’m _not, but I guess you can do whatever you want. That’s your business, yeah? I won’t snitch on you, scout’s honor.” 

Finn raises his hand to give a salute, and Daniel gives one in return. Finn flips the knife in his hand so that the handle faces him. 

“Alright, so how ‘bout that fifth throw, huh? You still got it in ya?”

Daniel’s frown breaks up into a toothy grin. “Hell yeah!” He flips the knife to grip the blade again and focuses hard. Just like Finn knew he would, Daniel sticks the landing once again. Right in the bulls eye. 

“What the fuck, man!? You’re awesome! Come on, once again.” 

“Yes! I fucking rule!” 

Daniel runs up to him to grab the knife again, and Finn notices the arrival of a certain bed-headed boy. He doesn’t comment right away, though. This moment is for Daniel, for as long as he can give it to him. 

Daniel hits his sixth bulls eye in a row and Finn runs to him to give him a two-handed high-five. “Holy _ shit! _ That was _ dope!_”

“What’s up, guys? Morning target practice?”

Sean sneaks up on them, Daniel’s face noticeably drops again, but Finn can only focus on the fact that he’s here. He’s _ here. _

“Six bulls eyes in a row, kid is a fucking ninja!” 

He pulls Sean into a tight hug, throws his head over his shoulder, and as always, Sean returns it with no hesitation, gripping him tight and giving him a pat on his back. 

Finn finds himself casually touching Sean a lot these days, sometimes without even noticing. A pat on his shoulder, a hand on his knee, hugs when he’s really feeling bold—like now. It’s like that voice that was breathing down his neck at the tree market, telling him to _ reach out reach out reach out, _ is getting spoiled, now entirely too self-indulgent. He feels like a sunflower reaching towards the sun, like it’s no longer something he _ wants, _ it’s something he _ needs. _

“Hey, we didn’t wanna wake your sleepy ass up.”

“Yeah… thank you for that. You okay, Daniel?”

“Hey.” Daniel replies curtly. 

Finn can tell his mood’s plummeting by the second, and he tries his best to save it. “Seriously, I’ve never seen anyone throw like that.” He puts a hand encouragingly on Daniel’s shoulder, but it doesn’t make any difference.

Sean stands with his hands firmly on his hips. “Wow, Finn trained you well. Six bullseyes, dude?”

“Yeah, I got better… lucky.” 

“You can’t throw a baseball without hitting me in the nuts.” Sean snaps. “How did you learn to aim so good?”

“Not true, liar! You’re the one who sucks at baseball!” Daniel bites back. 

“Yeah, right.” Sean snaps, condescendingly nodding along, like it’s all total bullshit.

This isn’t going half as well as Finn had hoped, and he knows he’s going to have to play the middleman if he wants them to not tear each other to shreds and say any more shit they’ll regret later. He reaches out and puts a hand on each of their shoulders, tethers to keep them off of each other. 

“Hey, wow… what’s up with you two?” He turns to Sean, hand to his chest in oath. “I should’a let you know, but—but I’m watchin’ him, like a hawk!” 

They both glance over at Daniel, who is still visibly seething. 

“Seriously, much respect.” Finn taps a finger on Daniel’s shoulder, he feels stiff as a corpse. “He’s like my own blood,”

He gets one of those urges, the ones that are getting harder and harder to bite back, the only way he knows how to soften Sean at times like this. _ Flirting. _

_ “_And, not that I’m as hot or cool as his big bro.” He _ winks _ at him. Maybe it’s a little too much, even for him, and he doesn’t want now to be the time that Sean finally asks questions, so he makes haste to change the subject and heads over to retrieve his knife.

“Yo, Sean! Idea…” Finn pulls the blade from the tree with way more force than is actually necessary. “I wanna see if Daniel inherited the family blade skills from…” He flips the knife in his hand and offers it to Sean. “You!”

Sean looks down at the offering with a knitted brow, and Finn knows he’s beyond self-indulgence at this point, but he’d give anything to see Sean throwing this knife right now; _ his _ knife. It’s a win-win. If he lands it, then Finn gets a show, and if he misses it, then Finn gets to guide him ‘til he doesn’t, which means even more excuses to have his hands on Sean. It’s downright irresistible. 

“How about a little demo?” He quirks a brow at Sean. 

“It was my turn!” Daniel pouts. 

“Come on, let’s give the man a chance.”

Daniel dramatically throws his arms up in the air and turns away. Finn feels bad for him, but not bad enough to pass up Sean agreeing to it. He waits with bated breath for a response. 

Sean nods. “Okay, yeah! I’ll take a shot.” 

Sean steadies the blade in his hand. He focuses on the target, taking his time, and Finn wonders why he seems so nervous about the idea of missing it. He draws his arm back, throws, and… totally misses the target. 

“Oh, he whiffs it!” Finn tosses his head back, eyes closed, pretending it’s the most horrible thing he’s ever seen. 

“Ha ha! Only you and _ me _ can throw!” Daniel says, cocky as ever. 

Finn looks over at Sean, his cheeks are flushed red. _ Cute. _

“Sean, hold your right arm…” He rests his arm on Sean’s shoulder, leaning in. “Yeah… more like this… better alignment, and don’t aim so hard. You tell him, Dan!” 

“It’s okay, Sean. You just suck at this, that’s all.”

Sean scoffs. “Dude, stop that. Seriously!? What’s wrong with you? “ He speaks in a hushed voice, and Finn pretends not to hear every word, despite being only feet away. 

“Let’s go for the second round! Heh… you’re good, don’t stress.” He gives Sean a pat on the shoulder and stands back. 

Sean aims, pulls back his arm, and throws it full force. This time he lands in the target, but still no bulls eye. He rubs the back of his neck, somehow a shade of red darker than he was before. Daniel’s wearing a shit-eating grin, giving Finn a knowing look that says _ I told you Sean fucking sucks, man _. All Finn can think about is kissing that frown off Sean’s face.

“C’mon sweetie, one more time! I know you can do it!” He hands over the knife. “Be zen, Sean. That’s the secret!” 

Sean gives him a trusting nod and takes a deep breath, staring down the target with the most intense glare Finn’s ever seen on his face. He tests his arm a few times, adjusts his aim accordingly, and _ boom. Bulls eye. _

“_Blam! _Right between the fuckin’ eyes! Damn!” 

Finn can’t get to Sean quick enough to give him a double-handed high-five, as if that’s enough thanks for him just doing the hottest thing Finn’s ever seen in his life. He’d thought about kissing Sean more than a few times here and there, but the urge has never been quite this bad. He can’t tell if he’ll be thanking or kicking himself for making it happen later. Once again, he rips himself away to go get his knife back before he can do something he knows he’ll regret.

He’s so giddy, he can’t stop himself from laughing. He feels like he might vibrate out of his skin. Sean’s smiling at him, looking so goddamn proud of himself, and Finn tries as hard as he can to burn the image into his memory, to tuck away in his photo album and cling to forever. 

If it were hung up in gallery, somewhere fancy in a big city, somewhere he’s never been, perhaps it would be titled ‘Finnegan McNamara, _ Beautiful Boy Successfully Throws Knife At Tree ( _ ** _2017)_ ** _ ”, _but it sounds absolutely ridiculous put that way. 

Finn knows this is something only he would have eyes for, and he’s lucky that’s all it will ever be, as it is. All untitled pieces, only defined by the way he feels when he looks at them, and no words will ever do. When he dies, this collection will go with him.

He nearly forgets that this whole thing is about knife throwing with Daniel, and not actually about Sean’s pretty eyes and exposed forearms holding his own knife in his hands. _ Wake the fuck up, man. _

“Did you guys escape from some circus!? 

“That was just luck!” Daniel whines. He’s still pouting. Sean’s stealing his spotlight, and Finn’s enjoying the show way too much to stop it. 

“Seriously, that shit was off the chain!” He holds the knife up above Sean’s head like an ancient relic. “One time is luck, second time is skill, so let’s see. Let’s show the kid what’s what!” 

Sean nods and grabs the knife, takes aim, pulls back his arm and— misses. Laughably bad. Finn doesn’t even see where the hell the knife _ went, _only that it definitely didn’t come anywhere close to the tree.

“Oh fuck that!” Sean shouts. 

“Ha! Missed! See, I rule.” Daniel says, voice drenched in pride and something close to... vengeance.

It was out of Daniel’s control, but Finn thinks maybe he’s taking credit for the forces that be doing him a solid or something. Finn does that himself a lot, too. Like when it rains and he doesn’t have to work outside, or when he finds a pot stash he forgot he had hidden under some shit in his tent, or when he and Hannah drunkenly forget to use a condom and they don’t end up parents. 

“Sorry, Sean, you’re not a ninja, but you’re still cool. Just ask your brother for help next time.” 

“Yeah, what would I do without him?” Sean says with absolute sarcasm. 

“Hey, don’t look at me!” Daniel says defensively. “It’s not my fault if you can’t throw!”

Those two are definitely going to have it out today one way or another, and Finn’s done all he can, so he figures it’s time to bail and let them let off some steam. 

“Whew! After that workout, I need some more fuckin’ java.”

“Wait! Don’t go yet!” Daniel says, panicked, reaching out for Finn as he passes by.

“Aw, it’s all good, Daniel. We can practice later, yeah…” He meets eyes with Sean, who is still visibly pissed. Finn almost feels guilty for finding it unbearably hot—almost. “If it’s cool with… heh… _ big brother _. Hah… love ya, man.” 

He waves Sean off, once again before leaving any time for him to properly respond or react, and gets a simple wave back. Finn can tell Daniel’s about to get a verbal ass whooping and he can’t get back to the camp quick enough, no way in hell is he gonna stick around to hear that. 

He’s not sure what can be done about Sean and Daniel, and there’s definitely nothing he can do about it. He could tell Sean to stop hanging out with them so much, to spend more time with Daniel, but it’s not his place. 

Finn knows an awful lot about being on the road, about having no security blanket, no sanctuary, but it’s the burden he’s always bared himself, on his own. Sean’s been on his journey with Daniel for nearly four months, never once getting a moment to himself, and it makes complete sense that he would want to take every moment he can get here surrounded by people his age after months of isolation with a nine-year-old.

On the other hand, it breaks Finn’s heart for Daniel, and he’s been doing all he can to give Sean the time he needs to himself and keep Daniel occupied where he can— but Finn’s not Sean. Finn is more like… the cool uncle. He’s the one with no actual say-so and all the cool shit that dad would never let the kids play with, and he gets to walk away when it all goes to shit and everybody gets grounded.

It’s a slippery slope, and sometimes Finn has a hard time trying to tell if he’s doing this more for Sean, for Daniel, or for himself. He’s not trying to make himself look better than Sean to Daniel, but Daniel’s starting to make it seem like that’s where it’s headed. 

One part of him worries that Sean will get resentful and take it out on him, another part of him really likes the feeling of being somebody’s favorite... anything. He can’t deny that it makes him feel good to feel like a brother again, not when he thought that was a part of his identity that he'd never actually get to _ feel _again, even if it was a fixed part of him— like scar tissue. 

He figures it will play out however it will play out, and hopefully Daniel will get to talk to Sean like he said he would, if Sean will just listen. Finn knows from experience that’s the hardest part, getting them to listen. Not just his dad or his brothers, everyone. 

//

Big Joe pulls up with the truck and everybody loads up. Daniel runs to sit beside Finn immediately, and to his relief, seems in a better mood. Sean’s the last to make it on as usual, and Cassidy slips over to his side as soon as he climbs up. 

Finn’s known that Cassidy’s got as much of a crush on Sean as he does—okay, maybe not _ that big, _but the girl’s definitely got him on her agenda—ever since they first met in Beaver Creek. It doesn’t really bother him, because neither of them have talked about it seriously, and Sean has yet to reciprocate any flirting with either of them, so what does it even matter, right? 

Except there’s that one thing, the thing that Finn wonders about unwillingly every time he sees Cassidy glued to Sean’s side and it looks so _ right _and makes his gut twist, the part where Cassidy is a girl. 

Finn realized pretty early on in his childhood that he probably wasn’t straight, and realized he _ definitely _wasn’t after leaving home and gaining the freedom to explore every part of himself. 

He knew he wasn’t _ gay _ either, he just liked everybody, anybody he sensed a connection with he almost instantly crushed on. Finn’s always just loved _ people. _ He’s always had a hard time wrapping his head around the idea that not everybody is attracted to people equally, that they could get hung up on something like looks or gender, because those things have always felt so… _ secondary _ to him when it comes to relationships _ . _

He understands, of course, that these things matter to most of the population, and it’s _ him _that’s the outlier, but he still finds himself forgetting from time to time— especially when he’s got a crush on a boy that he’s belatedly realizing very well might be one-hundred percent heterosexual. Sean might not even interested in relationships at all, for that matter, and asking would be way too fucking obvious and also way too fucking weird. 

He reminds himself that Sean was thrust into this, that he hasn’t had any time for soul searching, and his journey has been a much different one from his own.

Finn didn’t fully start understanding his own sexuality until he was sixteen, and that was only after meeting and talking with so many other people, all from different walks of life, and unlearning a whole lot of ugly shit he had been raised to believe about people like him. All to get where he is now.

If by chance Sean isn’t straight, there’s a good chance he hasn’t yet either, and that’s okay.

But.

He still gets that ugly stab of jealousy every time he looks at Cassidy sat next to Sean; her hands on his face and fingers in his hair, fully taking touches like that for granted because she can, and he thinks about how that’s not a hurdle that she’d ever have to cross—not even a thought she’d have to have. 

His worst fear is all these feelings existing with no cause, no place to call home; and yeah, maybe that is why he never sticks around to hear Sean’s response when he makes comments about Sean being hot, or when he winks at him, or when he drops a _ love ya, man _ on his way out. Maybe it’s easier to wonder _ what if _ all day long than to know that there is no ending for this that includes him. 

Finn’s pulled from his thoughts when Big Joe checks the body count.

“Everyone here? This isn’t a fucking school bus, we’re late.” 

The truck revs up and they hit the road, all swaying in the back, not a seat belt in sight. Finn distracts himself by talking to Daniel while Cassidy chats Sean’s ear off. 

“Hey little man, you know I already had to use my knife in a fight?”

Maybe it’s not the best story to tell a nine-year-old, but Finn figures Daniel’s heard worse, hell he’s probably heard worse_ from _ Finn by now. 

“What!?” Daniel shouts, shocked. 

“I don’t bullshit you. Some gutterpunk jumped me in Austin, so I _ cut his ass _.” 

Finn can see Sean staring off into the distance, and Cassidy’s saying something about how he’s totally not listening to her. Maybe this wasn’t the best thing to talk to Daniel about after all, but the worst of it’s already out there, so be it. 

“Really!?”

“Yeah, he... cut me too.”

Daniel’s brow creases with concern, like this happened five minutes ago or something. 

“Oh, ouch! Are you okay!?”

“Heh heh… yeah, I was lucky, my friend. I’ll show you the battle scars sometime.” 

“Ah! Cool!” 

Hannah makes a comment about her back hurting, and Penny says that it’s because they’ve been having too much sex. Hannah tells him to shut up and says that _ he was so high last night, how does he know? _

Finn chooses not to comment, mostly because they’ve been having significantly less sex over the past month, and he’s been trying hard to not think about why that is, but also because he knows Daniel doesn’t know who _ they _ are and he’d prefer it stay that way to avoid a questionnaire about his sex life from a child. Daniel’s just like him, he loves asking questions, sometimes too much. Usually way too much. 

“Alright, you be careful with knives though, okay?”

“Hey! Who’s the knife master here? You better behave, mortal!”

“Please, don’t hurt me!” Finn pretends to cower in fear against the rail of the truck bed, making Daniel laugh. He’s just happy to see Daniel smiling, even if it did take talking about his experience with getting stabbed. 

Ingrid and Anders start arguing about Anders may or may not have left their tent open back at the camp, and it gets everybody riled up trying to talk over each other. 

Big Joe yells at them all to shut the hell up, and Finn takes the opportunity to egg everybody on making fun of him for the rest of the ride. They theorize on what he is, torn between a clone or Bigfoot, and since most of them are inclined to not believe Penny about these things, they decide on the Bigfoot theory. 

They arrive at the plant, and it’s straight to work for Merrill. Finn gets teamed up with Penny, Anders, and Jacob to clean up the mess from the storm outside while everybody else is on trim duty inside. Merrill tells him to watch his guys, and he swears he will as always, but tries hard not to be bummed that he won’t see Sean until they get off work. 

//

Hours go by hauling branches around and getting a shit ton of splinters and muddy feet. Jacob tries, but he’s really not cut out for this, and as usual, it feels like Finn and Penny against the world. Anders is actually pretty useful, he’s the only one of the bunch that has actual _ muscle, _so he gets to pick up the worst of the branches. Finn already knows it’s gonna take a week to get all the mud out from under his nails. 

They finish up finally, the sun already setting by the time they hop on the truck, and the ride back is much more silent than it was in the morning. When they arrive back at camp everybody clears out, ready to clean up and grub out, and Finn, Cassidy, and Sean are the last ones off. Cassidy heads out with a pat on Sean’s head, and then there were too.

Sean slouches on the truck bench, rubbing the calluses on his hands with a pained expression, showing absolutely no intention of getting up. Finn knows full well that if he doesn’t shoot his shot now, he may never sleep again.

“Cheer up, my little Sean. Trust me, it’s not as bad as you think. Other farms in the area just… straight down exploit your ass.”

Sean’s still not responding. He looks the most like Daniel right now that Finn’s ever seen him, wearing a slight pout as he rubs circles into his palms. His hands don’t seem to have a single cut on them, which cracks Finn up even more. 

“Look at these baby soft hands!” 

“Trimming _ sucks_.” God, he sounds so much like Daniel that it’s almost scary. “At least I didn’t cut myself again today.”

“Aww, you’ll get scars but… you’ll get it!” Finn starts to head off the truck before verbalizing the rest of the sentence. “Part of the fun, and… sexier.” 

Sean says nothing, as usual, and they both hop down together.

“Later, Big Joe! Smile, asshole.” Finn flips him off with both hands as he drives off.

“So, did you have a good day at work, honey?” It’s another bold comment, but he’s feeling giddy after getting to spend time with Sean twice like this in one day, on a work day no less. Sean just smiles back and starts laughing. 

“I did. Loved the Jerry Springer moment when Hannah and Cass started picking on each other.” 

“Yeah… they love to start shit with each other… then get high. _ Short term memory loss.” _Finn knows a lot about that himself. 

“Having Cass around is like a TV show. She can’t sit on her ass for more than an hour.”

“Yeah… always been this way. Like these sharks that die if they stop movin’, you know?”

“I was the same at school. So glad we’re out here now.”

God knows Finn is too, and it feels so good to hear Sean say it.

“Uh huh…” He can’t hold it back, it’s too much to resist after Cassidy got to ride next to Sean all morning on the truck with her fingers in his hair. “No wonder she digs you… _ so do I. _” 

Sean doesn’t respond to that, instead, he smiles shyly and moves onto to something else. Finn doesn’t take it personally, Sean’s just not the flirty type, and it’s glaringly obvious. It’s also a pretty big part of what makes hitting on him so much fun.

“How was your day? Did you have fun outside?”

Finn laughs out his nose. “Hmph, nope! Picked up branches n’ shit, got covered in mud. Would. Not. Recommend.”

“Still sounds better than sitting on your ass all day.”

“I feel you, Sean. As always...” Finn realizes his tongue is getting a little too loose and reels it back in. “That’s why you’re such a good fit for the family!”

Sean and Finn start strolling back to camp, no rush, just them and the light coming through the trees warm on their skin. Finn gets so caught up in the scene that he starts lagging behind Sean.

“You totally hooked us up. A job, cash, friends, safety...”

Finn catches up and joins Sean’s side. “Sean, everybody’s cool with you two. Daniel is your secret weapon!”

“I dunno, he’s way too young for this bullshit.” 

“You gotta be zen about this. The more you try and control him, the less you have. It’s deep, huh?” Finn looks over at Sean. He looks deep in thought. Finn wonders how their talk went this morning after he left, just because Daniel seemed okay doesn’t mean it went particularly well. He doesn’t make a move to talk, so Finn keeps going. 

“Swear, he acts just like me... that’s how I know he’s smart!” 

Still nothing. They’re only getting closer to camp, and Finn wants to juice this for all it’s worth. He reaches for low-hanging fruit, something he knows will get Sean interested, and something he’s wanting to talk about for a reason he can’t place, anyways. Two birds, one stone.

“He’s also got a kick-ass _ hermano!” _Sean smiles at that. “Yeah, my brothers were like that…” 

“Maybe… but he doesn’t listen to me anymore.” 

There’s no way their conversation this morning ended well, now Finn knows that’s for sure. It makes him remember everything he thought about when he was trying to calm Daniel down, and he thinks maybe Sean needs to hear the same exact thing.

“Don’t worry! You’re in a new group, he’s tryna fit in on his own. Bet you’re doin’ it too.” Sean gives him a curious look. “Mhm… tryin’ to be your own person, not just… Daniel’s big brother.”

“Sure, but—I try to be both, y’know? “

“You’re a good guy, Sean Diaz. You just need to trust yourself more. I—I know… losin’ your family is… tough.” Sean gives him a questioning look, like that caught him off guard. “But, the world is yours to… create a new one. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah. I was pretty sheltered growing up… but now… I’m starting to totally love seeing the world.”

“Well, goin’ to Mexico is the _ ultimate _ road trip.”

“If we make it there, dude. Who knows. It’s pretty scary… so fucking far.” 

“Hey, it is, but you have time, and a strong uh, dammit… will! Yeah, nothin’ can stop you from goin’ there.” He looks to Sean to make sure he has his attention, and Sean gives him a shy smile. “It will be all right, Sean. _ Don’t worry _.” 

Sean picks at a piece of lint on his hoodie. “So… what’s your story? Um, I mean, you don’t have to tell me, but—”

He really does; wants to, needs to. 

“Yeah, I was pretty lucky. My parents were… _ okay _.” That’s definitely watering it down, but he doesn’t really want to talk about his parents too much. Not yet. He wants to talk about his brothers. “I had three big brothers who spoiled me.”

Sean smiles at him, and it makes something open up wide in his heart. “Aww, you were the baby boy?”

“Like Daniel!” He laughs, but it dies as quick as it came. “But my family was kinda… messed up.”

He waits for Sean to express discomfort; worry; anything; but he doesn’t. He just keeps watching Finn, waiting for what’s next, with that complete lack of judgement on his face that he always has. Always. It gives Finn the courage to go where he really didn’t want to.

They stop walking, and Finn’s not sure if he’s grateful for it or not. Now he’s got no excuse to cut himself off and run for it, unless he wants to ruin everything. He hesitantly picks back up where he left off.

“My dad was like a… front for hot cars. Yeah… he’d steal, strip, n’ sell ‘em, and my brothers and I helped him. You know, typical shit.”

_ Is it really? _

Sean’s still listening, a completely neutral expression on his face, so Finn figures he hasn’t run him off yet. He keeps pushing himself. “Until we got… busted. Fuckin’ feds wanted me and my brothers to testify, but my dad… narced on us instead.” 

Sean just looks—sad. It’s the same look that he’s gotten from Cass, Hannah, and Penny lately— like he’s some poor fucked up kid that nobody knows how to comfort. He hates how accurate it is. “Damn, Finn. That… sucks. What happened?” 

That’s about what he was expecting, fair enough. “I went to jail. When I got out I was like… fuck _ everybody _, so I hit the road, Jack!” 

They slowly start walking again, and Finn finds his words falling out of rhythm with his steps, no longer grounded enough for them to stay coherent. 

“And, anyways, I found a cooler family, out here. Y’know, I love travelin’! Checkin’ out new things… yeah.. never gets old.”

“I hear you. I’d like to be able to travel one day… when things are better, y’know? Normally, I mean. No hiding, no work, no cops on our asses— just getting to see what we wanna see with enough money in our wallets to make it there, and then some.”

“Sounds like a plan to me, my man! Hey, I know you can do it. I’d… really like to help, if I can, Sean.”

“Finn… I could never, I mean—thank you, that’s really sweet, but… seriously. You’ve already done so fucking much, I feel so bad since I’ve got no idea how I’m ever gonna pay you back.”

_‘You give me everything just by breathing.’, _is what Finn wants to say, but he vaguely remembers that’s a quote he knows from ‘_Twilight’. _It’s not even one of the better ones in the series either, it’s from ‘_New Moon’ _of all the damn books he’s read. He would rather die than have Sean possibly call him out on that, even more than he would want to if he said it at all. 

“Sean, how many times I gotta tell you? It’s nothin’—and I wouldn’t take anything if you offered it, _ ever. _You and Daniel are family now, and I’m just doin’ my part, alright?”

“Yeah, I know. I can’t help but still feel bad, though. I guess… I’m bad at taking things.”

Finn thinks of every time he or Cassidy ever hit on Sean, and he can’t recall a single time Sean so much as reacted. ‘_ Bad at taking things _’ might be the understatement of the century. 

“You think?” Finn smirks. “Well, you better get used to it, ‘cause that’s too bad.” 

“I’d really rather not, but when I have ever been able to tell you what to do? It’s not really a fair fight.”

“That’s because it ain’t a fight, Sean Diaz. I’d never wanna be _ your _ enemy, you’d kick my ass! I’d rather have you as my… ah dammit, what was it… _ compadre.” _

“Wish granted, _ compadre. _Just one favor if we’re gonna go to battle together, or whatever?”

“Anything for you, my man.”

“We gotta work on your Spanish, like, real bad. My ears can only take so much, dude. No offense, Cassidy’s actually worse, though, if that makes you feel any better.” 

Finn cracks up laughing. “Oh, damn! I’m wounded, Sean… guess you’ll just have to teach me then. Unless Cassidy’s first, then—”

“Nah, I already kinda gave up on that. I think she’s beyond help. I mean she gave it her best shot but… man, that accent.”

“What, and mine ain’t too bad for you? You serious?”

“Oh dude, _ no way. _You’re kind of a hick but Cassidy’s like… full-on redneck. You might stand a chance, though.” 

They’re almost to camp, and Finn wants nothing more than to just stop walking again and drag this out for as long as he can. To his surprise, Sean beats him to it.

“Hey—where… where are you from, anyway? I know Cass is from Texas, but I don’t think you’ve mentioned where you’re from—if that’s alright, I mean.”

“Oh, yeah. I’m from Montana, actually, not too far from Washington.”

“Holy shit, really!? I totally thought you were from somewhere in the south… damn, sorry for profiling you.” Sean laughs at himself. “The accent threw me off, I guess. Shit dude, my bad.”

“Hey, I get that way more than you think! It ain’t nothin’ I ain’t heard before. I’m just from a small town, guess that’s probably it. It’s a place called uh… Dillon.” Finn’s throat suddenly feels a little tighter. “Yeah, I haven’t been back since I got out of jail, though. No reason to... not like I had anything left there, I guess.” 

“Hey—I didn’t mean to… sorry Finn. I shouldn’t have brought that up.”

“It’s all good, Sean. I’m the one that took it there, that’s my bad. Sorry, you didn’t ask for all that. Anyway,”

“Finn—hey, I feel… grateful when you open up to me like that. It makes me feel like I can talk about my shit too, if I need to. Thank you for that. It really means a lot to me.” 

It takes Finn a second to process that. The idea that somebody—that _ Sean _—could gain something from him expressing his own feelings is something completely unfamiliar. It’s also something he thinks he might could get dangerously used to.

“That’s… real cool, Sean. I’ll keep that in mind, yeah?”

“Yeah, that sounds cool. I will too.”

Finn’s heart feels a little lighter for the first time in a long time. He wants to share more with Sean, to open himself up willingly; and knowing Sean feels the same is like a weight off his chest.

They walk in silence the rest of the way back to camp, and Finn imagines that there’s a day somewhere in the future where he has the guts to reach his hand out to Sean’s. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEW okay another chapter that’s much longer than I anticipated!! I actually had to make myself cut this one short, because I wanted to keep on going into the campfire scene and all that good stuff, but I hit almost 10k words and figured I should save it for next time.
> 
> A few things I wanna mention:
> 
> First off, big big thanks to elitistmob on tumblr for linking me to the game’s audio files so I could clearly hear a lot of small background chatter to include in this chapter, namely the conversation on the truck between Finn and Daniel and between Hannah and Penny (these both happen in game in the bg when Sean’s talking to Cassidy, and I loved them way too much to exclude) and some of the lines between Sean and Finn when they walk back to camp as well.
> 
> I took some liberties this chapter with a bit of the conversation, because it would be boring to stick with what everybody’s already heard and leave it at that, but I also went through all the dialogue options for this part of the episode and found it hard to decide which ones I wanted to keep. So I ended up using a few at once, because I love writing dialogue between Sean and Finn, and I think all of the options were worth including. Namely the choice between Sean asking Finn about his story or Finn encouraging Sean about Daniel, I thought those were both really important so I wedged them both in there. 
> 
> It’s 5 am currently so I really hope that this chapter is alright since I’m too tired to read it over again 👤 I’ll see you all again soon! 
> 
> I also wanna mention that you can find me on twitter @spotuns (it’s my art account, but I’m trying to use it more) and by the same user on tumblr!


	5. Campfires & Vegetable Soup

Everybody is already bustling about preparing dinner when they get back to camp, and Finn’s ready to do a whole lot of nothing until it’s time to eat. Regrettably, he has to wrap up his long winded conversation with Sean first. 

“Alright, well, therapy’s over.” Finn says, patting his hands on the front of his pants. His hands always get clammy when he’s crushing.

“Oh—yeah. I gotta move the water tanks for the showers and stuff anyway.” Sean stutters. 

“It’s cool you’re doin’ your part, Sean!” 

“_Finally_. Glad I can help.” 

Finn waves Sean off and heads to the shade of his favorite redwood for some much-needed wood carving. He’s still undecided on if he should call it that considering his recent attempts, but either way, he plans to whittle at a stick until he’s bored with it. 

He pulls his knife from the holster on his hip and grabs the first piece of branch he sees, turning it in his hands and pretending like he knows a fine piece of wood when he sees one. A_ different kind of wood, _ perhaps _ , _but not in the literal sense.

It occupies him enough for a while, until he sees Sean seated in front of his tent, his sketchbook in his hands, glancing over at him periodically, eyes darting from his paper to Finn. And as hard as he tries to ignore it, the thought of what’s possibly going on is way too much to handle after their talk in the woods. 

Finn still hasn’t ever gotten a proper look at Sean’s sketchbook, aside from a couple glances whenever Sean draws near him and his eyes wander to the pages—even after Sean offered to show it to him. 

There’s something that feels too intimate about it, something that reveals too much about himself, which is hilarious, given that it’s Sean’s most personal possession being hypothetically laid out for all to see. And _ God _, does Finn want to see, but there’s a part of him that doesn’t know which he’d take worse; seeing himself in it, or not seeing himself at all. 

Maybe there’s a worse possibility—like it being full of school crush sketches of Cassidy, with her soft lips and gentle curves, all overly-romanticized by the eye of the teenage boy. He can’t imagine himself ever being captured that way, the picture would be too harsh, too raw, too ugly. 

He doesn’t want to know. He can’t look. He won’t.

But Sean is across from him, looking at him like he looks at the sunset over the lake, like he looks at the birds in the morning, like he looks at Daniel when he’s distracted with something else and Sean gets to just sit back and watch for once. 

_ Fond_.

He shakes the thought away, it’s too dangerous, and goes back to his pathetic excuse for a carved piece of wood, because he has more business wood-carving than he has ever entertaining the idea that Sean likes him back. 

He feels a snap and looks down at his hands. The wood is now in two pieces, and he realizes it’s because he was whittling at the same spot for probably a minute straight without looking, he looking somewhere else. Hr grabs another piece and gets back to business. 

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Cassidy gets up from where she sat, playing guitar on a tree stump, and walks across the space between her tent and Sean and Daniel’s over to where Sean’s seated. He can hear the conversation, whether he wants to or not.

“Boo!” Cassidy shouts, then giggles in Sean’s face. “Man, you are so focused when you draw! That’s cute.”

“Yeah, um… thanks?”

_ Never change, Sean Diaz. _

Cassidy laughs and grabs Sean’s sketchbook out of his hands. “Let me be the judge!” 

Sean fully panics, like_ kid caught red-handed watching porn on the family computer _ panics. He reaches out to her with both arms flailing, attempting desperately to get it out of her possession, fingers grasping like Daniel’s when he’s begging Sean to let him keep a cool rock he found by the lake. _ Give it back, give it back, give it back. It’s mine. _

“_Whoa, whoa! _ Give it back! Please, Cassidy? Do not even—” Sean snatches the book out of her hands. ”Look.” 

“Whoa-ho-ho! Down, boy! Really, Sean?” Cassidy laughs it off, but Finn knows her well enough, and he can tell she’s put off by his reaction. He can really tell, because surprisingly, he is too. 

“I didn’t mean to freak…”

“Stop this... tortured artist shit. Share it, come on!” Cassidy peers over into his lap at whatever is on the page. “Fuck, you’re good!”

Sean hesitates for a moment, then hands the book to her. She looks at it for a second. 

“Oh no way! That looks exactly like him! He would love it!” 

He gets a shy—nervous, almost—look on his face. 

“You don’t think that’s… weird?”

“Why would it be? Don’t overthink everything, Sean Diaz. Well, I could never draw like that. What’s your secret?” 

“I dunno, I just get inspired by the things I see and do… and, uh…” Sean stops, like he’s thinking over the next part, like he’s unsure if it should be said out loud. ”Being around people like you helps. A lot.” 

Cassidy doesn’t immediately respond, sitting down on the ground and getting settled into the conversation first. 

“_Mm _ …” She hums amusedly, like she’s about to tell a big secret. “Looks like Finn _ does _ inspire you, huh?” 

Finn’s brain all but short circuits over the implications of that sentence. Sean looking up from his sketchbook at him, back and forth between the paper and himself. Cassidy grabbing Sean’s sketchbook, Sean freaking out, embarrassed. Cassidy saying whatever it was _ looks just_ like _ him, he would love it. _ Sean asked her, red-faced, if it was _ weird _. 

_ Looks like Finn does inspire you, huh? _

“Watching him has… taught me a lot…” Sean glances down at his sketchbook, at the sketch of Finn, the one he can’t see. 

He feels jealousy for Cassidy, not dissimilar to the stab out it he felt this morning, but there’s something more to it. Different, because he should have been the one seeing that picture. 

Sean drew _ him _ . Cassidy was sitting right across from Sean, beautifully playing guitar and humming along, and Finn was playing with a stick on the ground, and Sean drew _ him. _And apparently, it looks just like him.

Apparently, he would love it. He knows the latter to be true. 

Cassidy and Sean carry on their conversation until Cassidy gets up with a pat on Sean’s thigh, and Finn holds his breath when Sean follows suit, but then he heads over to Hannah, of all people, and sits down to talk with her and help peel potatoes for dinner. 

Finn tries to shrink down the new pieces of information taking up all the space in his brain, all feeling like balloons that are filling up a little more each second and are about to _ pop pop pop. _He attempts to carve his stick into a prison shank. 

This works effectively enough, until he sees a very familiar pair of boots in his peripheral. He stabs the balloon with as much ferocity as he had that gutter punk that jumped him in Austin. 

“What up?” Sean asks playfully. 

“The usual! Carvin’ some wood…” 

_ Definitely not having a complete mental breakdown because of you and my feelings for you, no way. _

Finn gestures for Sean to sit next to him with his knife hand. 

“You’re like a walking Swiss army knife… who taught you?” 

He thinks of something, anything, to take his mind off everything he wants to say to Sean in this moment, all the things he can’t, all the truths. 

“I learned wood carvin’ with an Inuit native back when I lived in Alaska. It’s an antique technique, helps me vent out n’ focus... “ 

Sean’s looking at him, completely absorbing every word, buying it completely—and for a moment, Finn thinks something he wish he didn’t. Something that he hears in the voice of his father. _ I wonder what else he’d believe if I told him? I wonder what I could convince him of. I wonder what he’d do for me. _

It’s too quiet, and he starts feeling distant from himself, like he’s somewhere else. _ Come on, Finn, come back down. _

“Yeah—I just… let my hand sculpt the wood and…” He shakes his head, pretending to be deep in thought. It’s the most honest thing about this story. “Sometimes I have… good surprises.” 

He holds the stick out to Sean. It looks like ocean-washed driftwood. They both burst out into laughter, and Finn forgets everything eating at him for a moment, because nothing’s better than this.

“I’m just kiddin’, man. It’s actually a cool cowboy thing I’ve been tryin’ to do for a while but, I—I suck at this. It’s just… _ fun to relax _.”

“I can tell!” Sean smiles at him, still giggly. “Don’t let me stop you, _ cowboy _.” 

Sean pats his leg, gets up, and then he’s gone. Off to fetch the water tanks.

“Later.” 

_ Later. _

He goes back to carving his wood, because what else does he have to do, and thinks about how nearby, in the book of a boy he loves, made to manifest on paper by will, is a picture of him that looks just like what he must look like now. 

For the first time, Finn feels jealous of Sean. He wishes he had a way to capture Sean. On paper, in a photograph, anything would do. All he has is his mental gallery of memories, and god forbid he ever lose them, but they suddenly don’t feel like enough. Not nearly enough. 

  


//

  


The sun is setting and dinner is almost ready. Everybody’s finding their places, chatting and smoking and carrying on about work and whatever else they can manage to think of while under the influence. 

Sean and Daniel came back from the lake visibly upset with each other, which is nothing new, but Finn can’t help but worry seeing Daniel inside the tent with it zipped shut, and Sean sitting outside of it on the ground with a worry in his brow and his sketchbook in his hands. He’s not drawing, he’s writing.

“So, Hans… what were you chattin’ Sean up for earlier?”

Hannah stirs the pot of boiling potatoes over the fire, expressionless. 

“So you saw that, huh?” 

“Kinda hard to miss, y’know. I’ve never seen you guys talk for more than a minute... and I think y’all were over there so long, you could’a knitted a sweater together.” 

“You’re such a fucker.” She shoots Finn a middle finger. “In my defense—he talked to _ me. _I felt kinda bad after for how I’ve been acting with him, but I was still honest. What surprised me was that he was prerty fuckin’ real, too. I thought that was cool.” 

Finn grabs a lawn chair and unfolds it, plopping it down next to Hannah where she stands.

“So tell me, o’ wise Hans, what kinda conversation did you have with the _ city boy poser?” _

She makes a face like she’s going to retort, mouth opening to bite back at him, but it fades, and she shuts her mouth. 

“I just answered questions for him mostly. Basic shit; how we all met, my family, how long I’ve been at this, whatever.”

“So c’mon, tell me… did he choke when he heard how old you are or what?” 

“Oh shut the fuck up, _ no _.” Hannah taps the spoon against the pot and sets it down on the rim. She grabs another spare lawn chair and sits it down next to Finn’s, taking a seat. She sighs deeply.

“Aside from that, I was honest with him about how I feel. I said we don’t have room for fake fucks that think this is easy work and then they’re gone after a couple weeks. He seemed to get it… said he wasn’t trying to do any funny shit, that he was just trying to take care of his brother, do what he has to. I can respect that, told him it’s good to see that he’s not a selfish prick. I’ve seen way too many of those, you know the ones.”

Finn chuckles, shaking his head.

“Me n’ Cass... actually had a bet on how long he was gonna last when they first got here. Cass lost so damn bad that she owes me fifty bucks on pay day. I told you, he’s not like ‘em, Hans.” 

Finn reaches into his pocket and digs around until he finds the blunt he rolled and tucked away earlier. He feels around in about three other pockets until he finds his lighter and tokes up, clouds of smoke drifting upwards towards the treetops. He feels envious.

“What about Daniel?” 

“What about him?” Hannah asks.

“Oh c’mon, you know what I’m talkin’ about _ mom.” _

“No, I don’t. For the love of goddess don’t ever call me that again or I swear I will never go near your dick ever again. Christ.” 

“Aw c’mon, don’t be like that! I think it’s sweet. He talks a lot about you, thinks you’re real cool. He told me you’re his friend… said you seem like a uh… shit, what was it? _ Warrior, _yeah.” 

“He deserves so much better than this fucking place, he’s such a bright kid. I just hope Sean’s really doing right by him.” 

Finn takes a long drag and blows it out his nose, the rest of the smoke rushing out in a cloud when he opens his mouth to speak. 

“What makes you say that?”

“He vents to me sometimes about him… just the usual brotherly feuds but… with how things are for them already, it’s worrying sometimes, I guess. I know how hard family can be.” Hannah holds her hand out, an unspoken request for a puff off Finn’s blunt. He hands it to her, she takes a hit. “I just try to be there for him when I can. That’s all.”

He knows what she means, Daniel’s done plenty of venting to him about Sean too, of course. But her insight is never unhelpful, and he finds himself needing it more and more these days. 

She passes the blunt back to Finn. He takes it, but he’s lost interest in smoking it. 

“Yeah… same here. I think we’re all just... doin’ our best.” He says quietly, almost a mumble. 

“Yeah. I think we’re always trying to just... be our best selves, consciously or not. Even me.”

“Hey, Hans?”

Hannah looks into his eyes, giving him her full attention, just like she always has. He focuses on the burst blood vessel in her left eye. “Do you think… I’m doin’ it? Like right now?”

“Yeah. I do. I always do, Finn.”

She says it with no hesitation in her voice. That’s another thing Finn’s always really loved about Hannah, she doesn’t lie. Not even little white lies. When she says something, she means it wholly, and when that’s something you wanted to hear, it’s like a big warm blanket in a snowstorm. 

_ ‘Good.’ _ Finn thinks. _ Good. _

“That’s not to say that you don’t have some dumbass ideas sometimes, I mean, you know that, but—I know you. I know you’ve got a good heart. Sometimes I think it’s too big for your own good.” 

“That’s real nice, Hans…” Finn decides maybe he needs one last hit after all, so he takes one. He exhales, elbows on his knees, looking down at his shoes. “So… what should I do about it, then?”

“Nothing you can do. It’s just who you are, how you experience things.” She matches his posture, putting her elbows on her knees to look down and meet his eyes. Find him, like she always does. “It’s not a bad thing--hell, I wish I had some of that, most days I feel like a bitter old crow that’s run out of room in here for new people.” She says, pointing to her own heart. “But I know it gives you hell.” 

“Yeah, you could say that, all right. Kinda sucks, most days. Wish I could just… be casual… I try to fake it ‘til I make it real hard. It ain’t worked yet, though.” 

“You’re an old soul, bud. You’ll figure it out. Whatever’s meant to happen will, you can’t stop it.”

Finn’s never figured out if the concept of fate is more comforting, or terrifying. He figures it depends on the day. 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“I usually am.”

“Aw c’mon, don’t ruin it! I mean it, Hans, I really appreciate it. I can’t talk to anybody else about this, ‘specially—Cass. She asked about him before, kinda, but… I see how she looks at him. She tries to play it off like it’s nothin’, but it wouldn’t make any difference.” 

“I think Sean might make the difference, yeah?”

“What are you gettin’ at?” 

“It’s up to Sean, what he wants. Even if Cass _ does _like him, that doesn’t mean he likes her back. Hell, he might not like either of you two, but if you don’t make a move, I know Cass’ll beat you to it. Poor kid won’t know what hit him. If you’re serious about this, then be fucking serious about this.” 

“What do_ you _ suggest, o’ wise Hans?” 

“I think us not hooking up anymore is a good place to start.”

Finn does a double-take, all his breath leaving his lungs in a rush. That’s not what he had expected at all, not even by a longshot, but Hannah’s surprising, if nothing else. 

“You serious? Is… I mean—is that what you really want?” 

“This isn’t about me, Finn, it’s about you. I’ll live without sex, I can handle myself. Literally.”

Hannah smiles the biggest smile she has during this entire conversation. 

“You’re never gonna get anywhere with a kid like him if you’re fooling around like we have been. You gotta let him take the reins, like I said. That’s kinda hard to do when your horse is preoccupied fucking another horse.”

“Well, you got me there. I guess you’re right… again. If he ends up bein’ straight or just flat-out uninterested we’re still on though, right?” Finn jokes, his grin crooked.

“Like you even have to ask? Just get back with me on it, I guess. Good luck, though.”

“Hey, Hans?”

“Mhm?”

“I love ya. It really means a lot.”

“I love you too, bud.” 

  


//

  


Daniel finally comes out from hiding when it’s time for dinner and he and Sean join catch up with everybody around the fire. It’s the typical meal they have right before payday, camp stew. It’s basically just vegetable soup, sometimes with pasta noodles or meat if they’ve got it laying around that week, but this time around it’s all veggies since nobody’s felt up to walking to Z-Mart in awhile. Luckily for everyone, Hannah’s a pretty damn good cook. 

“Hey, Sean? Is it okay if I have your mug for my soup? I can hold it easier… it’s really fucking hot.” Daniel asks, hands tugging on the hem of Sean’s hoodie.

“Oh—yeah, sure, dude. Whichever one you want.” 

“Awesome! Thanks, Sean…” 

Daniel stands up on his tiptoes, reaching towards the counter where they keep the mugs. He reaches for the ladle when Sean quietly takes it from him and scoops his serving up for him safely, avoiding any potential burns, then hands him the mug with a spoon stuck in it. Daniel gives him a smile that says ‘_ thank you’ _without the words, and he sits down by the fire to dig in. 

It makes Finn’s heart swell up every time he sees them getting along, knowing that no matter where they go they have each other, at the very least, and as much as he loves and misses his big brothers every single fucking day, Sean’s hands down the best big brother that he’s ever seen, there’s simply no competition to be had. Daniel might not see that yet, but he will later, when all this is behind them, years down the line. 

“Ah—shit! Hot, hot, hot! Woah, it’s _ so _good!” Daniel sputters around a mouthful of soup, quickly opening and closing his mouth as he fans the contents inside with his hand. He finally manages to gulp it down.

Sean rolls his eyes. 

“Dude, what did I tell you about blowing on it? Ten seconds for each spoonful, or you’re gonna burn your tongue off. You realize you may never taste a Choc-O-Crisp again if you keep it up, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Thank you for cooking for us, Hannah. This is awesome.” 

“Hey, my pleasure. Eat up, sweetie. It was a hell of a day.” Hannah says, patting him on his back as she heads to her seat. 

“Damn, somebody was hungry! I guess what they say ‘bout growin’ boys is true… not sure what my excuse for eatin’ like that was at that age.” Cassidy comments, shoveling her own soup into her mouth. 

“That age? What the hell’s your excuse _now_?” Penny quirks a brow. 

“Oh go to hell, Pennywise. I’m always growin’. Besides, I gotta keep this big ass fed somehow.” 

“Girl… just get laid like the rest of us.” 

“I’m doin’ just fine with my rubber toys these days, _ thanks. _Makes relationships a lot less complicated when they don’t talk and just give it to ya when you want.”

Jacob makes a horrible choking sound, and everybody turns to see soup on his shirt and running down his face. Cassidy busts out laughing and almost breaks her mug.

“My bad, Jake!” Cassidy apologizes, wearing a shit-eating grin on her face. 

“It’s fine. Just still not used to things like… um—”

“Sex talk?” She asks, probably just to see his squirm at the word. He does.

“Ew, gross! We are _ not _talking about sex, I’ll leave if you guys do. I swear.” Daniel scrunches his nose like he’s smelled something bad. 

Sean covers his face with his free hand. 

“Nobody wants to talk about sex with you, _ enano _. Eat your soup.” 

“Yeah, that.” Jacob responds quietly. 

Cassidy chuckles into her mug.

“Man, good thing your tent’s not too close to Finn’s. Bless your heart.”

It’s no secret to anybody that Finn and Hannah are regulars at each other’s tents. If newcomers aren’t aware of the fact, they all find out pretty fast.

All, except for Sean. If he’s heard or noticed anything, he’s never mentioned it, and Finn’s been trying, subconsciously or not, to keep it down lately. Suddenly, it feels like Cassidy’s told one of his biggest secrets.

Sean makes a face like he’s piecing something together in his head, glancing between Finn and everybody else around the campfire, until his eyes settle on Hannah. He doesn’t comment, he just keeps eating his soup.

“Why is it a good thing? What’s wrong with Finn?” Daniel asks.

“It’s all the knives, ain’t it, Cass? Man, I just can’t catch a break from you! A little poke never hurt nobody.” 

“Oh yeah, sure. It’s some kinda pokin’ alright.” 

Daniel’s still got his brows knitted together like he hasn’t had his question answered yet, but he drops it. He probably just chalked it up to stupid grownup stuff to avoid feeling silly about asking. Finn wishes he had gotten that privilege growing up.

  


//

  


When dinner’s over, everybody helps clean up. They all decide to stick around and hang out while Cassidy plays a few songs she’s been working on and smoke a bowl or two. 

Finn sits right next to Sean, slightly above him on a log, while he sits on the ground next to Daniel. He’s completely torn between being so glad that he did it, and regretting it, because he wants to stare absolutely nowhere else but right at Sean’s face, and at this angle, it would be humiliatingly obvious. And creepy. 

“I got serious munchies… any chips left?” Penny asks.

Hannah‘s seated to his right, a cigarette perched between her fingers. 

“Dude, you scarfed the whole fucking bag. Have another hit.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I packed a fat bowl.” Penny says, picking up his bong and lighting it up. 

Cassidy’s strumming on her guitar, singing one of her favorite songs, and Anders and Ingrid are lowly mumbling tired words to each other in Swedish that Finn can’t understand. Sean and Daniel are both smiling, despite whatever happened earlier, their eyes droopy and faces soft. Even the crackle of the fire and the chirping of the crickets can’t compare to this, not to Finn. 

“Whoa—you see that shit!? It’s a fucking UFO!” Penny exclaims, sounding fully convinced. Finn knows he is. 

He takes a slow drag off his joint, then exhales. 

“They’re finally comin’ to take you back!” 

Everybody falls silent for a while, just listening to Cassidy sing her song and smoke or drink. It’s the simplest that a life like this can get, the equivalent of what Finn imagines watching TV with your family on a weekend night must feel like, with a lot more weed, maybe. 

When she finishes, everybody claps for her. It hurts Finn’s heart to think that this is the only time when she gets praise like this, only from them. As much as she swears up and down, front to back, that she never wants to be famous, Finn knows she wishes at least a few people listened—liked it enough to _ keep _ listening. 

He’s not a creative person, but he can’t imagine something more hurtful than putting that much love into something for it to seem invisible afterwards, like it never existed. A futile effort _ is _ a struggle he can understand. 

“I tripped on a few words but… y’all are baked, so I’m good.” Cassidy sighs, putting her guitar aside. 

Finn takes another drag.

“Good job, sis.” 

“So. Beautiful.” Hannah says, holding her hands up like she just heard a church hymn. 

“Damn! Why you ain’t rich and famous? I mean… you can hook us up...” 

“I _ love _ your voice...” Sean says, so sincerely that Finn almost blushes, even if it wasn’t directed at him. He’d give an arm and a leg for Sean to compliment him like that.

“_Meow._” Cassidy flirts back, curling her hand like a paw. “Thanks everyone! I take ass, cash, or… grass. _ Ahem, _hint hint.” 

Finn inspects the joint in his hand, thinking it over. 

“Sean, take a puff, and pass it to your friend.” 

Finn could just pass Cassidy the blunt himself, but it’s an easy excuse to talk to Sean, so he offers him the first hit instead. Maybe it’s just because he’s always looking for any excuse to talk to Sean, but maybe it’s partly to spite Cassidy, too. Sometimes he’s petty. 

“Um, sure… I’ll take a hit.” 

Sean holds it to his lips and takes the tiniest hit that Finn’s ever seen, and it’s unfair how hot he still looks doing it. 

He feels like he’s ten again, sharing a soda with the cute boy next door, sitting on the curb outside of his house, staring at the rim of the bottle against his lips and thinking about how it’s an _ indirect kiss. _He wonders if Sean is thinking the same thing. Probably not. 

Sean reaches to pass it over to Cassidy, but Daniel tries to make a grab for it.

“Daniel, no fucking way!” He says firmly, holding it in his hand up in the air, out of Daniel’s reach. He scoots up from where he’s sitting to deliver it safely to Cassidy.

“How come you can, but I can’t?” Daniel pouts. 

“Because I said so.” Sean says firmly, in the same exact way a parent would. 

Finn’s absolute least favorite words to hear, to this day. 

“That is all for us, we must sleep.” Ingrid announces to the group, already getting up from her seat with Anders in tow. 

“Ah, there go the party animals. What is it, like ten-o-clock?” Finn teases. He really doesn’t care whether they stick around or not, but he always thinks the more company, the better. 

“No worry, Finn. We’ll party like rockstars tomorrow for our last night!” Anders reassures him. 

“C’mon, one more round!”

“_God natt!”_

“Sleep tight!” 

And then they’re out. 

Sean pulls out his sketchbook and starts doing his thing, eyes focusing on each one of them while he drifts off into his own world. He’s always most beautiful when he’s like this, the most himself he’s allowed to be out here, and it gives Finn a glance at what Sean was like before all that shit happened to him and Daniel.

This is the Sean that had a normal life and a happy family, the Sean that went to school and ran track and loved to draw. Running is probably ruined for him now, all things considered. 

“Jeez… I swear, everytime you play that song, Cass… I see my poor Blackflag.” Hannah says solemnly. 

She’s never gotten over that damn dog, as many people as she’s let go of, she’s never been able to let go of him. It’s just something about the not knowing, and Finn gets it. As sick as it makes him, he feels that way about his dad sometimes. 

“Aww, man… I’m sorry.” Cassidy apologizes. 

“Who’s Blackflag?” Daniel asks.

“He was my dog back in Colorado, until… last year?”

Finn thinks as hard as he possibly can this intoxicated, and it seems about right. He always thinks about that dog when it gets cold like this, too. It was another reason he picked up Tucker, and Hannah had cried and cried when she first saw him, the thought of Blackflag in that kind of shape too much to bear. He gets an unreasonable amount of table scraps from her. Finn never points it out.

“Yeah, somethin’ like that.” 

“A year ago, we were hopping a train, just me, Finn, and Cass… and Blackflag. We got caught stealing some shit in some random town, motherfuckers called the cops on us. Had to run for it. We saw that train from afar and went straight at it, cops right behind us. We barely made it… but nobody’s able to get Blackflag.”

“Jesus.” Sean says, looking up from his sketchbook for a split second. 

“Yeah, I see him chasing after the train… yapping at me… but I left him there. That’s it. End of story. I hope the cops picked him up, got him a better home. I think about that damn dog every day…” She sniffles. “Here’s to Blackflag.” 

Everybody holds up their respective poison of choice; beer cans, bongs, whatever. A fitting celebration for that old rough n’ tumble little dog. 

“Man… I miss Mushroom. That was our rescue dog. She didn’t make it with us.” Daniel says, eyes daring to brim with tears.

Daniel’s told Finn about Mushroom before, about how the red bandana he wears now was hers, and now it’s all he has left of her. A much more precious memento than his knife. 

“Aw, sweetie…” 

Sean puts his sketchbook away, whatever picture he was working on all finished. Finn wishes he could see it. 

“Jeez—sorry I ruined the mood.” Cassidy apologizes. 

It’s a bummer for sure, but Finn loves nights like these. No bickering, no working, just everybody being open and honest, bonding over the life they share and all the horrible shit that comes with it. It’s been a while since they’ve had one, and they’ve made so many new additions to the family that it feels overdue.

“Don’t worry, Hans. We can do worse! Let’s hear everybody’s worst memory, fair n’ square.” He offers. 

“You serious?” Cassidy asks, sounding skeptical as usual.

“Why the fuck not? We all need to say our piece once in a while, who’s up?” 

Nobody speaks up, but Penny looks like he wants to say something. Sometimes you just need the push.

“Penny?” Finn asks him, giving him the opening to speak up. 

“Cool. Bust out the violins, check this out.” Penny grabs his necklace, more specifically, the coin that hangs from it on a gold chain. “Say hello to my little friend, Jinx. Met him dumpster diving in New Mexico. He was cool, but boy had issues. Mood swings, delirious, self-harm… fun shit like that. He seemed to get better with me... I think I loved him. ”

Finn reaches for his beer at those words, making eye contact with Sean in the process. He downs the rest of it. Penny resumes his story.

“Said he never gave his trust to no one before.We used to come here every now and then, hook up on cash… but he disappeared a few miles north from here, in a pot farm just like this one. We went out one night, high as fuck, and_ zoom _. That was the last time I saw him. Now I gotta hold onto this fuckin’ penny just in case.”

“Wow… wasn’t there, like… an investigation? Something?” Sean asks.

“Fuck no. He didn’t have no ID, no nothing. Cops don’t give a fuck about us. I looked for him for awhile, but… I couldn’t track him down.”

“That sucks, brother. Shit like that happens around here.” 

Finn knows it way too well. He hates to say he’s given up on the ones they’ve lost over the years, but he has. 

“Plus, the guy needed medication.” Hannah adds. 

“Sure did. I just hope he’s okay. Maybe I’ll run into his crazy ass someday, who knows. It’s a small world. I’ll hand him back the trust that he gave me.” 

Penny keeps his necklace clutched tight in his fingers. Finn wants to wipe his mind clean from the story, it’s too familiar, too close to home. 

“All right, bad vibes indeed! Can we do worse?”

Again, nobody wants to offer up, so Finn does it for them. 

“Uh, Jake? Please?” 

“Well… just don’t laugh.” Jacob takes a deep breath. “I guess my worst memory is when I... lost my faith.”

“Yeah, you mentioned it.” Cassidy recounts. “What happened?”

“I used to be a sheep, a true believer. I was raised in Haven Point, Nevada… small community. We have this amazing reverend, people line up to listen to her. She’s… intense. But for some reason, things… happened to me, and I started doubting myself. It… kind of escalated. People said I was trouble, I couldn’t get the answers I was looking for, even from my own folks.” 

Finn wonders what kind of _ trouble _ a person like Jacob could possibly be. The guy hardly even uses bad words, for Christ’s sake, and he hasn’t touched a single substance the entire time he’s been here. There’s only a few things that get you written off by your church in communities like those, like the ones in Dillon, and it’s not hard to guess what that _ trouble _Jacob probably was out of the list. Finn’s really, really never liked church. 

“I know the feeling.” Hannah says. 

“I felt so lost… wasn’t sure what to believe anymore. So, I left. I just needed to be alone for a while, you know? Find the truth by myself. I’m still looking for it.”

“Jacob, my son,” Finn raises his hand in the fashion that a pastor or a minister would preach the gospel at him. “Maybe we are the truth you were lookin’ for…” 

“I’m glad I found you guys. I don’t know if I’ll ever go back there… not until I get a signal from God, at least.” 

“I hope you can.” Daniel says, eyes far off and somewhere else. “Bet your family misses you a lot…”

“I miss them, too. Just not… the other stuff.” 

“Family ties are a mess… trust me. I know how that feels, to be rejected.” 

Sean says it with so much weight in his voice. He says it like this is something he’s more certain of than anything else, like it’s an old scar, not a fresh wound. This isn’t something that’s happened to him recently, and it’s not something Finn was aware of before this moment, either. 

He thinks back to his talk with Sean on the way to camp after work, all the talk of family dysfunction, of old scars—and realizes whatever this is wasn’t brought up, not even when he told his piece. It makes something in him deeper than his heart hurt. 

“Thank you, Sean…” Jacob responds softly. “What about you, Cassidy? Your turn.”

“Huh… nuh-uh, pass. I already sang a song.” 

“Figures.” Finn is actually relieved that Cassidy predictably passes on the topic, eager to hear somebody else talk right now, longing for the smallest piece of his heart. “What about you, Sean? You obviously… don’t have to talk about that shitshow back in Seattle, but, if you have somethin’ else…” 

“Whoa, no. No way man, I’m... too wasted.” Sean says slowly, his speech slurring a little more on each word. 

Finn tries really hard to not feel a little disappointed, because Sean’s barely talked all night, but they’ll have more chances. Hopefully. Maybe even when they’re both sober. Yeah, right. There’s still another little Diaz that takes any chance he can possibly get to talk, though, and he’s up next. 

“How about me?” Daniel asks. 

Just as expected. 

“You’re the man I was waitin’ for.” Finn responds encouragingly. 

“It’s not only one bad memory, but… they’re all about my friends.” 

Sean reaches out and puts his hand on Daniel’s arm and Daniel doesn’t so much as flinch at it, despite whatever happened between them earlier. It looks grounding, comforting, like this is their secret routine and they’ve done it hundreds of times before. It’s words that no longer need to be said out loud, it’s love. 

He pulls it away as soon as Daniel continues. Sean’s not his boat anymore, just his propeller. 

“I feel like I’ve let everyone down. Noah, and Lyla… from Seattle.” 

Daniel pauses, like he’s trying to recall who else he’s disappointed. Something no nine-year-old should have to think about.

“And there’s our dog, Mushroom, who was killed by a puma, so we had to bury her. Then I lost Chris, ‘cause we had to run away _ again _.”

Everybody’s dead silent, like they have no idea how much longer this list will be, and nobody wants to interrupt him before he’s done with it. 

“I’m not sure I’ll ever hear from him again… I just left him all alone. But more than anything… I miss my best friend, my dad.” 

Nobody’s sure what to say to all that, Finn’s pretty positive. Even he’s speechless for once. “Jesus, little man… that’s hard.“ is the best he can manage. 

“I’m so sorry, Daniel…” Cassidy says, her voice low and full of sympathy.

“I told you I’d win.” 

It’s the saddest triumph to see a child boast upon, like he’s just won a game of tag, and didn’t have the saddest life story out of a bunch of ten and twenty-something’s before turning ten years old. If that’s what Daniel carries around, Finn’s not so sure he’s ready to know what else is on Sean’s back. 

“You didn’t let anybody down. Life did.” Hannah reassures him.

“Yeah, life is a bitch. We can only—go with the flow… like a… _ river _ . Yeah, that’s why I’m not… draggin’ around any _ bad memories _.” He says, totally bullshitting his way out of his turn. 

He already brought up his family trauma once today, and it was one time too many. Sean didn’t take his turn either time, so it’s only fair. 

Cassidy scoffs. “Come on!” 

“Bull fucking shit, man.” Hannah says, dragging out every word to express her disappointment to the fullest.

“Oh, you started this shit, bitch!” Penny shouts.. “Don’t punk out now!” 

Everybody has a right to be angry with him, and he knows it, but it won’t stop him from worming his way out of this with his usual pseudointellectual hippie talk. It’s basically his second language at this point.

“Yeah, listen, _ smartasses. _I’m just sayin’, you can’t change the past, so you just gotta... focus on what’s next. Memories are just lessons for the future.” 

“The future, huh?” Cassidy asks, amusement in her tone. She knows he’s full of shit. “What’s your big plan, prophet?” 

His mind goes back to the night he watched the sunset with Sean by the lake, the same night that he cried in Hannah’s arms because he didn’t know what to do. Mexico with Sean and Daniel, or stay here, with his found family.

Looking at all of them together like this, only one picture comes to mind. Something from a dream. Totally unrealistic, but isn’t that what dreams are all about? 

“Wanna know what my plan is? Picture this: a kick-ass beach house in _ Costa Rica _ . Sunshine, feet in the sand, sweet ocean view! We’d be one big, fucked-up, happy, dysfunctional family! We’d just… chill and—and sing and—drink cocktails out of coconuts! Only thing we need is a little cash along the way, and then… _ boom! _”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ. _ That’s _ your dream? Beach house and coconuts? Cassidy sneers. 

“Oh, uh, too boring for you?”

“Sounds like my folks’ retirement plan to Florida! I don’t need anythin’ else than... what we already have. Sure, we’re workin’ our asses off right now but… we can beat it, if we want! I’m not gonna settle down, no way.” She says, her laugh lacing her voice.”That’s how shit starts, you know? When you start havin’ things of your own… things you ought to defend. Property, land, family. What do you think you’re missin’ out on now?”

“Um, coconut cocktails?” Finn jokes.

“Well agree to disagree, fucker!” 

She kisses her hands and blows him a kiss with them. He blows one back. 

This is where he and Cassidy really differ. As fun and liberating as this lifestyle can be, Finn doesn’t see himself keeping it up forever. He wants to settle down someday, to have a place to call home, to have a family that lives in a house, and not in the woods, sleeping in tents on the ground. He wants to come home to somebody, he wants to _ have _somebody.

Cassidy, on the other hand, can’t feel alive unless she’s got a cloud of dust behind her. Settling down is her worst nightmare, and if she’s in the same place for too long, her wings itch. She lives and breathes drifting, and domestic life is something that will never appeal to her for as long as she will live, much less any commitment.

“Man, I’m too high for your shit. It’s time to crash.” Penny says, turning to get up from his seat on a tree stump. 

“And Penny goes down! Peace out, brother.”

“Night Night.” Hannah murmurs. 

Penny crosses his ankles and gives a dramatic bow before heading off to his tent. Sean gives him a wave. 

“Looks like we still have some booze left… who’s in?” Hannah asks.

“Oh, twist my arm.” Finn replies, chuckling. 

“A… teeny tiny drink.” Cassidy responds after some consideration. “And we_ need _ to talk about Sean’s hippie hair. Boy needs a real haircut.” 

Finn recalls his mild jealousy over Cassidy getting to touch Sean’s hair this morning, and he’d be lying if he said he hasn’t imagined what it must feel like roughly ten to twenty times since. 

“Oh hell _ yes _ he does!” He bends down to Sean, who has a big marijuana-induced grin on his face, high as a kite, and pats him on the knee. “Haha! Now it’s _ your _ turn to get a trim! Karma.”

“I’ll call it a day, too.” Jacob says, already standing up. “Night, everyone.” 

“Hey, I’m wiped out. Are you… ready for bed, yet?” Daniel asks, looking at Sean.

“No man, uh… I’m gonna hang for a bit.”

Daniel gets that look he got when they were throwing knives and Sean hit the bulls eye, something between bafflement and resentment. 

“You want me to walk back..._ alone _?”

“Oh, so now you’re a kid again?” Sean says a little too sharply. 

They’re definitely not entirely over whatever happened by the lake. 

Finn is caught between the brothers once again, wanting more than anything in the world for Sean to stay and let him cut his hair, but not wanting Daniel to have to go to their tent all by himself upset, either. 

“Have no fear, Finn is here! I’ll walk you, little man.” He says, getting up to join Daniel.

“Sleep tight, Daniel.” Hannah says warmly.

“Sweet dreams, sweetie!” Cassidy hollers. 

They step away from the campfire, and Finn notices that Daniel’s definitely upset, his arms crossed tightly against his chest and his lower lip pressing tight into a frown.

“You know you didn’t have to come with me, Finn.”

“Hey… it ain’t no big deal, Dan! You know I don’t mind.”

“That’s not it. This is supposed to be Sean’s job! Not that I need him, but—still. All he cares about anymore is hanging out with you guys, I told you. He won’t even walk me back to the tent and make sure I don’t get eaten by bears. He doesn’t even care.”

“Did you… try to talk to him, like we talked about before?” 

“Yes! He just got mad at me, just like I knew he would!” Daniel stomps over to their tent, arms dramatically swinging at his sides, fists clenched, and unzips it with enough strength to tear the thing down. “Whatever, I’m over it. Night, Finn. Thanks for coming with me.” 

Finn wants to say more, to comfort him and reassure him that Sean probably didn’t mean whatever he said, but that’s that. 

“Night, little man. We’ll talk some more later, yeah?”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

Finn smiles at him and waves him off, and a tiny hand waves back at him from the entrance of the tent before he zips it up, shutting himself in. 

He heads back to the group, grabbing his tools from his stylist station beside an old redwood on the way. 

“Don’t look at me, boy, I only cut weed.” Hannah grumbles.

“Uhm, that means…”

“_Why hello, laddie!” _ He says in his absolutely awful Scottish accent, all his ancestors rolling in their graves. Hannah and Cassidy clap and laugh, they love when he does this shit. “Welcome to _ McNam’hair’a salon!” _

“Check, please.” Sean says, giggling. 

“Now, step right up! Aye, aye, aye!” He cuts back to his normal voice for a second, just in case Sean’s actually nervous that Finn’s about to absolutely wreck his hair. “No stress, you’re talkin’ to a pro. Just relax, and _ enjoy the buzz _.” 

It makes him nostalgic thinking about the lake again, when he had a joint in his hand, instead of a pair of scissors. Both of these connect him to Sean, something they’ll share. 

“Now, let’s see... “ 

He starts by shearing off the back and sides of Sean’s hair, something of a mohawk being the goal. The hair at the back of his head is so soft, just as much as Finn imagined it to be, and part of him mourns the thought of this being the only time he’ll ever get to run his fingers through it like this. 

The severity of the cut visibly makes Sean nervous, and he reaches to feel what the damage is with his hands.

“Hey! Hands off, now!” 

Sean obeys and puts them back in his lap, letting him get back to work. . 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Down, Finn! Watch out!” Cassidy says, a fake shock in her voice, jolting up from where she’s sitting to point at Sean’s hair. 

“Hey, hey! Stop!” Sean shouts, completely panicked. 

“I said don’t worry! Cassidy—” He points at her with his scissors, and she and Hannah are already laughing their asses off at her stunt, giving each other high-fives. “Stop foolin’ around!”

Relief washes over Sean’s face, but his chest is still heaving. He looks adorable, with only the back of his hair buzzed to the scalp, and the front sides still shaggy and hanging in his eyes. 

“_Ha ha ha._” He says sarcastically in a monotone voice, looking right at Finn with his brows pinched.

“Stand fuckin’ straight!” Sean snaps up into place like clockwork. “Nice…” 

Finn starts on the sides, carefully running the clippers upwards against the grain, careful to avoid his ears. He takes notice of every little mole that dots Sean’s face, like marks on a map, some he hadn’t noticed before, or ones obscured by his shaggy hair. 

Maybe this isn’t so bad, after all. You win some, you lose some. 

“Lookin’ good, slick! Seriously!” Cassidy coos.

“_Aye, we don’t fook around at McNam’hair’a salon!_” He boasts in the awful Scottish accent again, giggling his way through it. “Mmm, a bit more here... “ 

He finally reaches the very front at Sean’s hairline and runs the clippers up to take off what’s left. Sean gives him a questioning side-glance. 

“Yes, that’s goin’! Almost done…” 

He checks to make sure the lines are clean, no stray hairs left hanging around. It all passes the quality check, and Sean looks absolutely, unbearably hot. 

“Voila! What’s the verdict?” Finn asks, gesturing to his masterpiece. 

“Hot!” Cassidy says instantly. “Nice.” 

Finn reaches over to grab his shitty little pocket mirror so Sean can see it for himself.

“Okay, can I see now?” He asks.

Finn holds it up for him, and he looks at himself for a long second, squinting and turning his head to check out the whole thing.

“Damn, is that me?” He says, running his hands through his hair, looking from every angle. “So… different. It’s… cool… I like it! Thanks, Finn.” 

“My pleasure, really.” 

_ Really. _

“Careful, Sean. People are gonna think you’re _ one of us. _” Cassidy teases.

“_Tsss— _don’t think so, Cass. Looks don’t mean nothing.” Hannah replies. 

“Lucky for you. Here, you deserve it.”

Cassidy reaches over and grabs the last beer, offering it to Hannah.

“I don’t know, I’m already kinda trashed. Plus, I might be hosting tonight. Uh, Finn?” 

“I dunno. Maybe.” 

He says it so quick he surprises himself, and by the looks of it, Hannah, too. 

“Well, just in case.” 

She takes the beer from Cassidy and takes a swig of it. 

“Can y’all... let me get some rest tonight? Sean won’t be able to sleep, either.” 

Dear Jesus God, does Cassidy ever shut the hell _ up. _ Unfortunately for Finn, not really. It makes the second time tonight that he and Hannah have been brought up, and this time much more explicitly than the last. He looks at Sean, gauging for a reaction, and he sees cogs turning. Fuck.

“I’m… cool. So, how long have you two been, um, together? I—if you don’t mind.”

It’s so utterly outrageous and downright fucking hilarious, even if Finn is mortified, and he and Hannah can’t help but bust out laughing at this same time. Sean looks back and forth between them, obviously confused by their reactions, and God, it’s precious, it really is. 

“What? What’s so funny?” He asks, sounding like he’s missed something somewhere but doesn’t want to seem stupid so he’s playing along. 

“You? That look on your face? Hilarious!” Hannah laughs. 

“Yeah, uh…” Man, this is really not how he wanted this conversation to go at all. Actually, he didn’t want this conversation to go any possible way. He didn’t want to have it, period. “Hans and I aren’t together, sweetheart.”

“We’re just fuck-buddies.” Hannah says, blunt as ever. 

“Ohhh… _ ohhh _.” 

Sean looks—dazed, almost. His cheeks are already turning red, and now that his ears are exposed, Finn can see them doing the same. At least this is as uncomfortable for Sean as it is for him. 

“We’re pretty open here...” Finn attempts to balm Sean’s embarrassment, but it’s not working. 

“Right. Duh.” He blurts out, robotically nodding along. 

“Fuck who you wanna fuck, the end.” 

He’s made better-constructed statements before, but it’s not too bad. 

“Or don’t!” Cassidy adds. “Nobody has to do anythin’ if they’re not into it.”

“Yeah, we’re not into the whole fucked up system… we make our own rules.” 

Finn’s saying it leaning into Sean, his arm across his knee, as close as he can possibly get, but Sean looks completely checked out of the conversation. He stares into the fire, unblinking. Must be shock. 

“You feel us, Sean? Or do we sound like depraved punks to you?” Hannah asks with a smirk on her face. 

“Nah, it just feels… different. I’m still trying to wrap my head around all this, so… can’t really say anything about it. Yet.”

Sean’s trying really hard to sound cool and calm, but he’s definitely still riding out his embarrassment, and Finn’s trying to figure out the game plan to make sure Sean knows that he’s got nothing to be embarrassed about, even though the topic is his _own_ _sex life_.

He grew up too fast in all the wrong ways, wasted so many things that he wishes now that he hadn’t on people that weren’t worth it. 

The things that deserve to be special, and not something you do to prove yourself, not something you do out of peer pressure, not something you do wrong and hate it, because nobody ever taught you different, and you weren’t in the right hands, safe hands. Finn wants those to be some of the few things Sean isn’t robbed of, if nothing else. 

It’s taken years for Hannah, Cassidy, and himself to reach the level of identity euphoria they’re at now, but it was a hell of a fucking journey to get here. Sean’s got so much time, all the time in the world. This is one thing he shouldn’t have to rush. 

“Legit, dude. It took us time too, y’know? Like… I didn’t change my views on life, politics, or sexuality in a blink. Takes a whole fuckin’... reconstruction.” 

That’s cohesive enough of a statement, Finn decides. Gets the point across well enough. Surely Sean will—

“Right! Does it...mean you’re into guys and all?” 

Oh, okay. That works, too. 

“Ahh—that depends on the position,” He laughs nervously, because holy shit, how is this conversation happening, but here it is. “But… yeah, sure.”

“Looks like Sean is a little curious!” Cassidy says mischievously. “So… what about you?” 

Finn looks at Sean, his breath hitched in his throat. This is it. This is the make or break on him and Hannah, on any chance of anything at all with the boy he’s already gone and fallen in love with, like the moron he is.

Sean considers it for a second before he finally answers.

“Some boys are cute. Others are _ gross.” _

Oh. Oh no way. _ No fucking way. _ Finn feels himself freeze from where he was rocking in place just a moment ago, and he slowly turns to look at Sean as he speaks to make sure the words are actually coming out of his mouth that he’s hearing. 

“I dunno… I’ve never actually done anything, so…” 

Finn thinks he might have smoked a little too much and passed out sitting up, a lesson he learned the hard way when he was convinced he won the lottery off of a single scratch off ticket he bought from an edge-of-town gas station before the numbers had been announced—just because he dreamt about it after smoking way too much on pay day. 

(Spoiler: he hadn’t won shit, even when they were announced.) If it seems too good to be true, it probably is, and it’s probably the drugs. 

Even so, he’s here now, and he decides that he will give into his urge to flirt with Sean as boldly as he can, because it’s _ prompted _ this time and it’s _ right there _ it’s _ right fucking there, _ and if he doesn’t take the chance now then he probably never will. 

“Oo… what’s your type?”

“Jeez, give him a break, master player!” Cassidy exclaims. 

Then the weight of what he’s said sets in, because Sean has yet to say anything, and Cassidy is making this even harder than it has to be. But Cassidy be damned, this is still his only chance and she’s been flirting with Sean all month.

“I’m jokin’!” He waits a second to consider if he should continue his sentence like he thought it out in his head, but fuck it. “He knows I’m cute.” 

He does not look at Sean to see what his reaction to that comment was, if he had one, but it felt good to say it. 

“Okay, lovebirds, that’s it for me. Lotta work tomorrow… plus, it’s pay day!” Hannah says. 

“Fuck! I could talk all night, but yeah, don’t want Daniel to start whining. _ Gracias por todo. _See ya, my dudes.” Sean waves them goodbye, and then he’s gone, just like that. 

“You gonna swing by, Finn?” Hannah asks. 

Her tone speaks of a lot more than just that one simple question. This is a final decision, not a spur-of-the-moment one, and he’s already decided. 

“Nah, sweetie… nooo energyyy…”

“No big deal, get some rest.” 

She smiles at him like she’s proud, and it soothes all the panic he’s felt over the past ten minutes at once. 

“_Buenas noches, _ Sean!” Finn hollers at him. “ _ Lovin’ _ on the hair!”

“_Meow!_” Cassidy purrs. 

Sean turns back to them to give a final wave, and then he’s gone to bed, like nothing just happened. 

Hannah gets up and stretches right after him, yawning and cracking her neck.

“For real, I’m outta here, I’m about to pass out. This was really nice, guys, I needed it for damn sure, think we all did. I’ll see ya in the morning.”

“Night, Hans!”

“Sleep tight!” 

Hannah walks over to her tent, closer to the campfire than the others’, and climbs in, leaving just Finn and Cassidy. 

“Well, I’m beat.” Finn says after a long moment of silence. He stretches out his legs as far as they will go and throws his head back, watching the smoke from the dying fire billow up towards the treetops. 

“Uh, yeah, I’ll say.” She scoffs, putting her elbows on her knees and leaning in closer to press him. “You? Swervin’ on Hans? Man, I know today was rough, but that’s never made any difference before. So… what’s up with _ that? _” 

He doesn’t move to look at her, eyes locked on the stars above. 

“What, a man can’t simply be tired from a long day of workin’ hard?” 

“Uh, yeah, but the only thing that works harder than _ you _ is your dick. It doesn’t know what a vacation even is, dude. Pretty sure you could be in a coma and that thing would just go on without you, _ come on _. I’m not stupid, you turning her down only after Sean said he likes guys, and then makin’ a move on him? Really?”

Finn wants more than anything to just go to bed after all the ups and downs that tonight has already had in store, but Cassidy never knows when to shut up. Ever. 

“Whoa, sis. Damn, you don’t have to get all Judge Judy on me, like you weren’t flirting with him too? It don’t mean anything. You were the one that got us started, bringin’ up me and Hans twice, scared the shit out of him.” 

“Oh, please. Even if he is a virgin, he’s not _ stupid _ either. Since when have you become a prude, anyway? Do you have an evil twin I don’t know about that took your place or somethin? Man, I’ve got to stop staying up talkin’ to Penny, he’s gettin’ way too into my head.” 

Finn sighs deeply, straightening up to look at Cassidy finally. 

“I’m not bein’ a _ prude _it’s just—not somethin’ I really wanted to talk about with him, that’s it. It’s not important.”

“Flirtin’ is one thing but I’ve never seen you so… serious? Is that what this is? I don’t really know what serious Finn looks like aside from like, when we’re committing theft. Or the cops are involved.” 

His eyes wander everywhere they can, looking side to side and up and down and anywhere but Cassidy’s face. 

“Yeah, well, I guess. Maybe. Fuck, I don’t know. Yeah.”

Cassidy jolts forward, nearly losing her balance and crashing backwards onto her back.

“Whoa—_ whoa! _ No way! Are you for real? I was right!? Dude… you got it fuckin’ _ bad _.”

“And what makes you think that, exactly, ma’am?” 

“You’re like… in love, for real. I’ve never seen you like this before, even with—you know. You never gave up Hannah for them… I think it’s really sweet, Finn.” 

That thought hadn’t even occurred to him. It’s true, even with Luca, even with Jenny, even with every other fling he’s had in between, he never officially called anything off with Hannah. They’d take unspoken breaks sometimes, but they never lasted long, and they sure as hell never discussed it.

This was a choice, something Finn decided to do because he _ is _ serious about this. It scares him how serious he is about Sean, terrifies him. It’s almost funny, considering that Sean makes him feel absolutely reckless.

“I actually… talked to Hans about it, earlier. It was her idea to take a break and see where things went, but I’ve been kinda wantin’ to talk to you, too.”

“Uh… okay? Shoot.” 

“I just wanna make sure that this isn’t gonna bother you, I guess. I don’t want it to be a big blowout or some shit like that, I’m tryin’ to do this right, and I wanna do it right by everybody.”

She gives him a questioning look, but she doesn’t respond yet.

“I know you two are pretty close, just don’t wanna… step on any toes, cause any shitstorms, y’know?” 

Cassidy bunches her knees up to her chest and rests her chin on them, her arms wrapped around her legs.

“I mean, I won’t lie, I do like him, but I get crushes on like… everybody. I mean, shit, I even had one on you for a minute at first, remember? It’s so damn funny to think about it now oh my _ God _.” 

She smiles big enough to show her tooth-gap, and Finn feels like he can breathe again. 

“But… you know me, I don’t do relationships anymore. He’s real cute and real sweet, and I’d totally try for somethin’ if you weren’t interested, but I dunno… I don’t really feel like he likes me like that, anyways. It don’t matter. I could tell you were crushin’, too, but... I had no idea it was like _ this _.”

“Hey, I’ve been tryin’ to do everything to like, not show that it was _ like that _, so thanks for provin’ to me that I was doing a good job, actually. Makes me feel better” 

“Well, me and Hannah can see right through shit like that, but that’s just because we know you. I doubt any of the others have picked up on anything. Your secret’s safe with us.” 

Cassidy lifts both of her pinkies and makes a display of locking them together.

“Yeah, I love you guys… I really do. I’m sorry I didn’t say somethin’ sooner, Cass. It probably… would have made my life a whole lot easier, if I did. But I’m real good at being an idiot, unfortunately for like, everybody. ‘Specially me.” 

“Hey, no hard feelins’ here. Can’t say you’re wrong, though.” Finn flips her the bird, and she just laughs at him. “So… you want me to put in a good word to Sean for you, or—”

He can’t jump up quick enough.

“Alright, I think that’s all the time I’ve got for tonight, Cass! Whew, I am wiped!”

“Oh, c’mon! No fun! At least tell me how you’re gonna tell him!”

“Good night, Cass, sleep tight!” He shouts back at her, pretending not to hear a word she said.

Cassidy cackles at him as he speed-walks back to his tent, his arm bent awkwardly to wave at her as he goes. 

He climbs into his tent, sheds all the unnecessary layers of clothes, and crawls into his sleeping bag.

It’s hard to process it all. He doesn’t even know where to start with it, so much has happened today alone, and it feels like any moment he’s going to wake up and it will all be over.

Cassidy’s words echo in his thoughts as he tries to fall asleep.

‘_At least tell me how you’re gonna tell him!’ _

He hasn’t thought about it, not really. It wasn’t even a thought he could stomach before he knew Sean liked guys at all, and it’s still nearly unimaginable even now that he knows that he does, but with things cleared up with both Cassidy and Hannah, it’s getting a little easier. 

Tomorrow is pay day, and it’s Ingrid and Anders last night with the group, which means they’re going to have a big party with booze and weed and music and all of Finn’s favorite things, including Sean. 

He imagines the buzz, the thrum of the music, the way that Sean will look with flush in his cheeks from the drinking he’ll definitely do.

He imagines dancing with him, both of them totally sucking at it, and it won’t matter to either of them, because they’re so blissfully high on a good time and whatever else they can get their hands on that they don’t give a damn about anybody else around them. 

He imagines pulling Sean aside, away from all the noise, into the forest of redwoods.

He imagines telling him how amazing he is; how beautiful he is; leaning in; kissing him, and kissing him again, and again, and again. 

And it seems right. 

All the bullshit going on around them tossed aside, for just a moment. 

Maybe it’s enough. 

Maybe this is where things get to be simple.

Tomorrow it is. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first of all, I wanna say I’m so sorry for the long wait on this chapter and thank you so much to everybody who has left comments and been so so encouraging, they’re truly what gives me the fuel to keep writing and each and every one means the world to me!!!!
> 
> I’ve been thinking of how I wanted this part to go since I started this fic, and it surprised me the direction that it took as I was writing it, but it kind of just pieced itself together. I really hope that it reads well since it’s 6 am right now and I’ve been writing all night so I can’t tell anymore 🤡
> 
> I took a lot of inspiration from small dialogue bits from episode 3 that happen without Finn around for this, but the main ones being when Cassidy tells Sean in the swimming scene that Finn likes him (and that it’s been extremely obvious) and depending on Sean’s response, will even say she’ll hook them up herself if he hasn’t kissed Finn, but says he likes him, or if he did kiss Finn, and she does the “THATTA BOY!!!!!!!” Bit ! I really had fun playing around with the idea that if you don’t romance Cassidy at all in the episode and DO heavily romance Finn, she takes on more of a supportive friend role and just wants the best for them 🥺💕
> 
> Similarly for Hannah, the way she reacts to Finn turning her down (only if Sean says he likes boys) during the campfire talk, she responds kind of like she’s not completely surprised, which I found really interesting. Another one I won’t mention yet, but it will be in the next chapter 😏
> 
> I really hope everybody enjoys this chapter, I had so much fun writing it!! And please hold my hand as we get into the very not fun stuff coming up next 🕳🚶🏻♂️


	6. Bad Ideas & First Kisses

Finn wakes up to the familiar sensation of Tucker licking his socked toes the next morning. There’s rarely any sleeping in for him, but given how hungover he is, today sure would have made for a nice exception. He figures he probably won’t even have time to shower at this point—hell, he’ll be lucky to snag a cup of coffee before work, if there’s even any left by now. So it goes. 

“Aw, c’mon now! I’m up. Shit.” He lightly swats Tucker away with his foot. “Sure don’t have to worry about havin’ an alarm clock out here with you, huh?” 

Tucker just drools a little bit more on his sleeping bag before heading over to the next tent, probably Sean’s. There’s no way he’s not still asleep after last night. Finn really hates that they’ve got work soon, he’d let Sean sleep all day if he could. He’s crawl into his tent and curl up with him if he could, too, but that’s neither here nor there. 

The memories of Finn’s resolution to himself before he fell asleep come rushing back all at once. He feels… giddy? Excited? Maybe a little nauseous, too. A little bit of all of the above. It makes him feel like a kid again. 

Finn’s not one to sweat something like this, especially not at this point in his life. He speaks what’s on his mind, because to him, communication is key, and it’s a hell of a lot easier than playing guessing games with people to figure out what they’re thinking, or what they want. He was the first to propose the idea of the arrangement he has_—had— _with Hannah, and more often than not he’s been the first to confess to anybody else he’s had an interest in up until now. 

There’s just something about Sean that makes him feel like he _ does _ have something to lose, for the first time in a long time. It’s fucking terrifying. He can’t bear the weight of his own yearning anymore, it’s not an option. 

He presses the heels of his palms into his eyes and rubs the sleep away best he can, chugs the nearest bottle of water he can find thrown aside in his tent next to a dog eared book with a letter stuck between the pages, and pops a couple ibuprofen before pulling his pants on and heading out. 

To no surprise, Sean isn’t up yet, but Daniel is. He stands next to Hannah, holding up his plate to her, while she serves him a portion of scrambled eggs. Oh thank god, he didn’t miss breakfast. Thanks much, Tucker. 

Penny’s already nursing his cup of java, somehow looking just as bright-eyed and totally not hungover as always. Finn’s always wondered what the hell his secret is. He’s joined by Cassidy, Jacob, and Ingrid. Anders must still be passed out, too. He’s missing from the group.

“Mornin’ lads and lasses, n’ hot piece of asses.”

“Yeah, not so sure I qualify as a lass, so guess I’ll take that one.” Cassidy says, tearing apart a piece of bacon with her fingers. “Damn. No offense or nothin’, but you look like shit.” 

“Man, I hate to say it, but Cass is right. You sure all you did was smoke weed and drink last night? No funny shit?” Penny asks. 

“Finn, would you like for me to make you something to help with fatigue? I have a very good recipe I make for Anders quite often, if you would like?” Ingrid offers. 

Jacob makes no comment, but his face says he agrees with everybody else, judging by the way he’s staring pointedly in the direction of Finn’s obviously busted mug. 

“You guys are so sweet. Thank you for the love n’ support, really, I appreciate it. I don’t know what I’d ever do without you guys.” Finn gives the most honest smile he can conjure up in his morning hangover daze. “Nah, I’ll be fine I took some uh… ibuprofen, and drank some water, yeah. Now I just need to get my grub on. Hans, you got any left for me over there?” 

Hannah turns to the stove, eyeballing her inventory like a medieval merchant. 

“You’re in luck, just enough eggs and bacon left for a plate, I think. Sean and Anders are gonna have to fend for themselves, though.” 

“You snooze, you lose! That’s what Sean gets for staying up late last night. He’d be up by now if he’d just come to bed with me when I went, but _ nooo_, he wanted to smoke and be stupid all night long.” Daniel sneers. “Whatever, more for me.” 

Ah. So Daniel’s definitely still upset over that, huh. 

They probably haven’t had the chance to talk about it yet, but Finn really hopes that Sean will take the time to after work today. Daniel’s not going to get any better like this, and it sucks to see them fighting. 

Finn loves their bond, their total dedication to each other, he loves to see them thriving because of each other, not in spite of each other. 

Finn grabs a plate and scoops up the rest of the available breakfast, knowing that Sean and Anders probably won’t have time to eat any anyways, and pulls up a chair. 

“So, Pennywise, there any coffee left?” Finn asks, poking at his eggs. They’re already pretty cold, but food is food. He’s never been picky. 

“Hah! Boy, you crack me up, hell no! Pot’s been empty for like fifteen minutes.” Penny picks up his coffee mug with his index finger, swinging it by the handle to display that it is, in fact, empty. 

“Yeah, figured. My fault for not gettin’ my ass up.” He grumbles. 

“Think I might have got the last cup. Sorry, bro!” Cassidy laughs. “Early bird gets the worm, as they say.”

“Oh, right, like you know anything about being early to anything.” Hannah scoffs. “Please, you’re only up because I dragged your ass out of bed to pick up the garbage from last night, and even then you called me a _ cuntbag _when I told you it was your turn to do it.” 

“Uh, I dunno know who that lady was that said that to you, but she’s sorry, and she’s very tired, and feelin’ like she might vomit on herself any second. I, for one, am just glad to be eatin’ this tasty ass bacon right now. Amen.” 

Cassidy puts her greasy hands together in prayer and bows her head, then shoves another bacon strip into her mouth with a chuckle. Hannah groans and rolls her eyes. 

“So,” Penny starts. “Are we just gonna let Sean and Anders sleep through work, or is somebody gonna wake their asses up?” 

“I will go get Anders in just a moment, he probably needs… cleaning up.” Ingrid says quietly. 

Those two haven’t seemed to be doing so well lately, but they’re leaving tonight, so who cares. Nobody’s business anyway. 

“I am _ not _waking Sean up, he’s just gonna yell at me if I do. It’s his own fault if Big Joe gets mad.” Daniel says before stabbing a portion of his eggs angrily with his fork. 

Finn imagines that in Daniel’s nine-year-old mind, those eggs are probably Sean’s eyes. 

“Aw, c’mon, Daniel! I’m sure he wouldn’t—” Cassidy starts, but she’s cut off by Daniel. 

“Stop acting like you know him! He’s my brother, _ not _ yours.” 

Finn’s noticed this lately, too. Daniel’s building resentment for Cassidy. He’s not sure if it comes from Hannah’s bickering with her—considering how much Daniel looks up to Hannah, it might be easy to mistake it for genuine dislike—or from Sean himself simply spending time with her. 

He wants to think it’s silly, because Sean hasn’t really spent any more time with Cassidy than he has any of the rest of them, but then he remembers his own intrusive thoughts he’d had not even a day ago on the ride to the farm. Fair enough, heteronormativity gets the best of us. 

“Have no fear, little man! Finn is here! I’ll go wake him in a minute, you just be dressed n’ ready for when Big Joseph gets here, alright?” 

Daniel gives him a nod of agreement and goes back to finishing his breakfast, and Finn does the same. 

Ingrid gets up first, places her plate in the sink, and heads off to fetch Anders. It makes something twist in Finn’s gut; something like anxiety... like... _ anticipation_. Over what? Over fucking _ what? _Waking Sean up, something he’s done multiple times already? 

No, he knows exactly what it is. He hasn’t laid sober eyes on him since last night--not since he mentioned liking guys, not since _ Sean _ mentioned liking guys, not since he called it quits with Hannah _ because _Sean mentioned liking guys, not since he vowed to himself he’d tell—

Shit. God damn fucking shit. _ Just go wake him up, that’s all you have to do. It’s not hard. _

His empty plate stares back at him, not a crumb left on it to pick at. His feet feel like they’ve been dunked in cement as he makes his way to the sink to drop it off, and then locks eyes on Sean and Daniel’s tent. 

_Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. Tent. Zipper. _

His hand lingers on it, feeling a lot like it did back when he first fired that rifle. Finger on the trigger, you just gotta pull it. He shuts his eyes and slowly tugs on it, revealing a Sean-shaped lump inside. 

The sight startles Finn for a second, he totally forgot about the haircut he’d given him. It looks good. He looks good, like, really fucking good. He’s in a tank top, his signature wolf hoodie thrown to the side, his arm slung up over his head, and his face soft. No harsh lines in it for once, just the worriless joy of sleep holding him. 

Finn watches the steady rise and fall of his chest where two hearts rest, Sean’s and his own, and he takes another mental portrait of Sean for the collection. 

This one, he thinks, would be the main attraction of his imaginary exhibit, where he’d be the only patron. He hopes he’ll get the chance to take a whole lot more in the future, better and better ones. Ones of firsts and thens, and thens, and thens. 

He keeps trying to make something, _ anything _ come out of his mouth to make Sean awake, but it dies in his throat every time. He just keeps looking at him, looking the most content that Finn’s ever seen him, looking like somebody that hasn’t been through indescribable hell, just a boy. Just like him.

Finn would give anything to see him like this always, there’s no doubt in his mind. 

“Sean—”

Sean smiles. “Mm… Finn?”

“Y—you gotta get up, we—”

“Finn, I can’t…”

Finn wishes he could just let him sleep, he really does, he _ really _doesn’t want to be here right now, but Big Joe will have both of their asses with Finn being in charge. 

“I know you’re hungover, my man, but we gotta get goi—“

“Feels so good … d—don’t stop…”

Finn freezes solid, his hand on the tent, the other on his knee, like a marble statue. 

Oh Christ. Last night, when he said—fuck, what did he say again? Probably something stupid about sleeping with guys, he’ll ask Hannah later, she never forgets any stupid ass thing he says. Sometimes that’s convenient, rarely, but sometimes. 

Sean wiggles under his blanket, humming and letting out vaguely formed ‘_Finns’ _ between. There’s an obvious tent in his boxers, now that he’s looking for it, and suddenly, Finn has to be anywhere else, because he’s got work in about fifteen minutes, and there is no time to process whatever _ this _is right now. 

Maybe later, but not now. 

He quietly zips up the tent again, cursing the clock for not giving him time to take a cold shower before Big Joe inevitably pulls up, and heads back to the camp. 

“So, is sleepyhead gonna join us and get some damn work done today, or what?” Penny asks. 

“Oh—uh, yeah. Yeah he said he’d—be out here soon, when he gets dressed. I’m actually gonna go take a leak while I still got time, uh, I’ll see y’all in a minute.” 

Finn paces quickly over to the woods, to the spot where he usually throws knives with Daniel, and tries to catch his breath. If he was having a crisis over his feelings for Sean last night, Jesus Fucking Christ, this is a nuclear meltdown. 

_Just get through today, make it to the party, and then we can get to this. C’mon, you got work in ten. Man the hell up. _

Despite his best efforts, all he can think about is the flush on Sean’s face. The way he hummed and groaned, the way he said his name—he wonders what exactly he was dreaming about, even though it’s not hard to guess. Details are precious things, sometimes, especially when the boy you love is apparently having wet dreams about you, and this is newfound knowledge to you as of a whole two minutes ago. 

He feels kind of… guilty. Like he invaded Sean’s privacy and took a piece of knowledge from him that maybe Sean wanted to keep to himself. 

But his intentions were pure, and he left as soon as he realized, right? 

Except no, he didn’t. No, he stayed and enjoyed the show a little too long, didn’t he? Before and after the fact. _ Greedy, greedy, greedy. _

He smacks his cheeks a couple of times, takes a deep breath, and shakes his head as clear as he can of his thoughts. It’s not an easy task, but it’s the only option he’s got at the moment, work takes priority. 

Unfortunately, nobody around here pays you for being stupidly in love, or stupidly horny, for that matter. Finn thinks he could call out of work for being lovesick probably every single day, if that was something that was allowed, or something he could admit out loud. Luckily for everybody, it’s not. Yet. Just a few more hours. 

He returns just in time to see Big Joe’s truck coming up the drive. Anders is with the group now, but Sean’s nowhere to be found, of course. Fuck. 

“Where the hell is Sean?” Cassidy asks as soon as he rounds the corner. “Finn, hey! Didn’t Sean say he was getting up?” 

“Yeah, guess he fell back asleep. After last night, I wouldn’t be surprised. Guess we’ll just uh—load up and let Big Joe lay on the horn, that’ll do the trick for sure. He’ll come flyin’ out of there, trust me.”

“Nothing to cure a hangover quite like Big Joe’s siren song,” Hannah muses. “Goddess knows I’ve seen it happen to Cass enough times.” 

“Hey now,_ I _got up this mornin’, leave me outta this one!” Cassidy interjects. 

Daniel groans, his eyes rolling almost into the back of his head. 

“We should just leave him, I can hang with Finn today, it’ll be fine—” 

“Hey assholes! I don’t have all fuckin’ morning, lets go!” Big Joe chides through the truck's window. “Where the fuck is Sean?” 

“He’s not up yet, we tried, but—” 

“I don’t get paid enough for this shit.” 

Big Joe slams on his horn. Then again, and again, and again. 

Everybody else loads up and gets in their places, eyes glued on Sean’s tent. Big Joe yells and yells for him, and they all join in with their ‘_Sean!’s _ and ‘_come on!’s. _ It finally shakes to life, and they can’t help but laugh, because it’s really fucking funny to look at from the outside.

He finally emerges, jogging full-speed and waving at them like he’s passing by the audience at a race. They all chant his name and cheer him on like the track-star he is, making his way to the finish line. He hops on the back and Big Joe immediately hits the gas.

The ride is mostly just the typical post-party chatter. Who’s still hungover? What happened after I went to bed? Who got laid last night? 

Finn’s unusually quiet, he can tell, and he’s grateful that Sean’s facing away from them on the back of the truck and therefore can’t see him to notice it. He wishes he could see his face again, though, he wants a fresh look at it to smother the one he got before they left. It’s gonna be a long day, at least he’s getting paid. 

  
  


//

  
  


Work ends up not being so bad. It’s greenhouse day for him again, Finn’s personal favorite, because that means he gets to work with the plants. 

He gets help from everybody for a while, until they’re called inside to start trimming, and then he’s left with Penny, Anders and Jacob again to cover the whole thing in tarp before it leaks. He doesn’t love that part so much, but he _ does _ love the view of Sean with his new haircut that he gets from the top of the ladder, as brief as it is. 

Finn’s group finishes up a little earlier than the trimmers do—no surprise, not with Cassidy—and they sit outside of the greenhouse to drink beer and wait until it’s time for the main event:_ the paycheck. _

“So, Jake, my man… what are you gonna spend your paycheck on, huh?”

Jacob does a double take, like he’s not entirely sure that Finn’s talking to him. Finn can’t remember that last time he spoke to him, if ever, so maybe that’s fair. His mind has been elsewhere, just like it is right now. Maybe that’s why he’s talking to him now for no good reason, but whatever.

“Oh, me? Um… just keep saving, I guess. I might need to pick up a few things on the next grocery run, I guess…” 

He rubs the back of his neck and stares down the top of his beer can. Finn wishes there was something he could do to help him loosen up some time. He’s not used to seeing people like Jake around here; similar to Sean, in a way, but somewhere along the way he got steered somewhere totally different. 

“You’re a party animal! What’s on the list? Smokes? Condoms? Fresh bottle o' lube?” 

Jacob splutters, his beer sloshing in his hand, face redder and redder by the second. 

“N—no! I don’t—neither of those. No offense, I’m just not really… you know. I don’t fit in so well with you guys. Thank you for having me anyway, I know I’m probably a mood killer sometimes.” 

“Hey, no worries, my man. You’re cool, I mean it. You don’t have to do the shit we do if you don’t want to, but you’re always welcome if you wanna join in. I hope you know that.” 

“Thanks, Finn… that means a lot to me. I guess sometimes I just feel like I’m a wet blanket, you could say. I’m so grateful you took me in, it’s just all so new compared to where I came from. I’m not sure if it was hard for you to adjust or not but… I guess I’m getting there. It just takes some time and learning.” 

Finn thinks about when he first hit the road, just a kid straight out of juvie, angry enough to go through with it, but still scared shitless at his core. He was smart and he knew a lot, but he never accounted for the loneliness being worse than anything else. He didn’t find solace until he bumped into Hannah squatting in the same house. Life can be so funny, sometimes. Unexpected as shit, that’s for sure.

“I feel you, brother. It took me a long time too, you know? Lots’a meetin’ the wrong people and bein’ in the wrong places and shit. I’m still not sure I’ve found the right ones yet. Nobody really warns you about that, do they? Feels kinda like you head out and you’re supposed to just get straight to it, whatever _ it _is.”

In Finn’s mind, _ it _looks a lot like a car driving to Mexico with three people inside. He doesn’t have that car yet, though. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever have it, a pipe dream. 

“So you feel it too, huh? I never would have guessed… I guess it’s true what they say about not judging books.”

“You wanna know somethin’?” Finn asks, tipping his beer back to finish what’s left at the bottom of the can. He smacks his lips and tosses it aside when it’s all empty. “All my favorite books have like, the world’s shittiest covers ever. I’ll get ‘em at gas stations… I always read the back of ‘em before I buy ‘em to see if they’re worth pickin’ up or not. It’s kinda hit or miss, though.”

“So… what does that say about people?” Jacob asks.

“I dunno… people ain’t as easy as books.” Finn answers impulsively, too many thoughts on his mind of one particular person to form any coherent thoughts. This is the first full one-on-one conversation he’s had with Jacob, he should be giving him more than this, and he knows it. 

“Yeah… sorry, that was kind of a stupid question, actually.” Jacob says sheepishly. 

“Kinda the same thing though, isn’t it?” Finn asks. Jacob looks lost on him already. “I mean, sometimes the best ones are the ones you read without knowing anything first. Sometimes that’s better, bein’ surprised. Sometimes they totally suck ass, too, but that ain’t always bad, either. I’ve read a lotta shitty books I don’t regret, and I’ve met a lot of shitty people I don’t regret, either.” 

Jacob nods hesitantly. “I’m not sure I completely understand, but… that sounds right, I think? Don’t take this the wrong way… but you’re a lot wiser than you look, Finn.” 

“No offense taken, Jacob my friend. I’m always happy to provide some fruit of knowledge when I can.” 

Jacob tenses up at that, and Finn remembers what really sets them apart. Fear of God. 

Sometimes he wonders if Sean has faith or not, or if he did before all that happened to him back home, and lost it somewhere along the way. He wonders a lot of things about Sean. 

The following silence is cut short by Sean and Cassidy coming outside to join them, and Finn tries his hardest to push away any thoughts relating to Sean from this morning that his brain throws at him. It’s tough, but he reminds himself he’s been through infinitely worse to get through it. Somehow, it doesn’t help much.

“Whew, I’m beat! Merrill work y’all like dogs out here or what?” Cassidy asks, stretching her arms high above her head. She wrinkles her nose when her back cracks. “_Fuck. _I feel like I’m an old lady.” 

Jacob, ever the angel, gets up from the tree stump he was sitting and offers it to her. Cassidy, ever herself, takes him up on it. Finn stands with his back against the wall. 

“Well that’s ‘cause you are. And _ fuck _ yes, you kiddin’?” He huffs. “He’s been mean as a snake ever since the big guys have been on his ass here lately, ‘course we’re payin’ for it. Nothin’ we can’t handle, though. Ain’t that right, Jake?” 

“Yeah, uh, it wasn’t so bad. Anders was a big help with the heavy stuff. Not too sore today, which is nice...” 

“At least y’all got to move around! Goddamn, I swear one day my damn back’s just gonna give out from sitting in that fuckin’ chair. I can’t wait to get paid and go load up on booze, I’m so over this shit.” Cassidy huffs, kicking at the dirt with her taped up shoes. 

Sean’s sitting on the ground right next to Cassidy. Finn’s directly across from him. It’s making his routine of stare-longingly-at-Sean a lot harder today. 

Tucker plops down between Sean and Cassidy like a welcomed distraction saying ‘_look at me if your eyes don’t know where else to go’ _. 

“Hey, it’s not _ all _ bad. You and Hannah actually kind of got along today. I was bored as hell.” 

“Yeah, you’re tellin’ me! Big Joe was so up my ass I couldn’t hardly talk.” Cassidy whines. “At least I got to see your pretty face today, all thanks to Finn.” 

She looks up towards Finn and shoots him a wink. He rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m really digging the cut, actually.” 

Sean smiles softly with his teeth. It’s enough to wipe every dirty thought Finn had after this morning away in one clean swoop. 

“I think we all are, city boy!” Cassidy slaps a hand down on Sean’s knee. “You fit right on in now.” 

“Oh _ whatever. _ I guess it does kinda help me feel like less of a poser.” Sean says. 

Finn can’t resist it anymore. 

“Aw, c’mon! You’ve always been punk-rock as hell, Diaz! The haircut’s no extra credit, it’s just hot.” 

Cassidy shoots him a look that says ‘_you’re real bold, ain’t ya?’ _

Sean doesn’t respond, as usual, but his face gets a shade darker. Worth it. 

An awkward silence falls over the group after that, as it usually does when Finn decides to make a totally obvious move on the totally oblivious boy that he’s got it bad for. 

“Okay, this is borin’,” Cassidy starts. “So, everybody, tell me how you’re gonna blow your next payday!” 

“The usual,” Sean replies. “Save it ‘til the next one.” 

Cassidy scoffs. “Well, ain’t we all stingy, now! How about a… keg offerin’ for your family? Or… or some _ hookers _ or _ cocaine _?” She asks playfully, clearly trying to get a rise out of Sean. She likes him flustered; Finn can’t blame her there. 

“Oh, please, there’s a _ child _ here.” Jacob scolds, his arms crossed tightly over his chest, like he’s hiding something behind them. Himself, maybe. Finn used to have that habit. 

“Mm… I think he’s heard worse. Besides, he’s our mascot now!” 

“Oh! I wanna buy a bacon burger, and a pepperoni pizza! Then, a box of Choc-o-Crisp, and—and a red slushie!” 

That’s an idea that Finn could get behind. He recalls an old friend he had that used to do just that, blow any bit of cash he had on drugs and prostitutes and then swear up and down that it was the way to go—but even to Finn, it always seemed a little too far gone. Maybe it’s because he was raised on seeking a different kind of thrill. 

But burgers and pizza and a red slushie? That sounds like the best party he’s ever been invited to. 

“Oh _ hell _ yes. Screw the hookers, bring on the Choc-O-Crisp!” 

“Come on, Sean!” Cassidy whines. “You gotta treat yourself after all this hard work.” 

“Maybe a new toothbrush for me and Daniel. I know you guys dig our morning breath.” He jokes. 

“No. No, we all think it’s really hot, actually.” Cassidy replies bluntly. 

Finn can feel her pinching his arm, even though she’s feet away. She’s _ so _ not going to give him a break any time soon, but he knew what he was getting into when he told her. 

“So that’s it, huh? You bust your ass all week for nothing?” 

“Some of us just got simple needs, _ Princess _!” Finn taunts, raising a brow at her. He knows this is a game they’re playing right now, just like they always are. She’s the little sister he never had. 

“Yeah? Like your beach house in Costa Rica?” She slings back. 

Finn makes a playfully pained expression, holding up his fist to his chest like it hurt his heart. His dream isn’t Costa Rica, anyways. It’s Mexico. 

Ingrid and Anders step outside and head off with a thumbs-up and a wave respectively. It’s their last night, they probably just got their final pay.

Merrill follows behind, towering in presence as always. Finn prickles at the sight of him. 

“Okay, let’s get this over with. Finn, Cassidy, Sean, and, uh… you_ .” _

He points at Jacob. 

“Jake… Jac—Jacob.” Jacob mumbles. 

They all start loading up inside, leaving Sean and Daniel for last. 

Finn hears a commotion between them, which he had been expecting ever since this morning, given Daniel’s unresolved anger. 

Whatever it was about, they must have come to an agreement, because Sean comes in last all alone with a click of the door behind him. 

Merrill stands like a statue in front of them, chin up and eyes dark. 

“For once, you’re all on time. Let’s see who wins that farm lotto…” 

Finn’s been working his ass off hoping to earn that bonus, hoping to be able to surprise Sean and Daniel with something nice. All he needs is his bare necessities, and Sean’s worked about damn ‘nough, he and Daniel deserve the break. 

Merrill steps down the line, ready to give his judgments. 

“Jacob, right? I thought you wouldn’t last a day, but you cleaned up. You’re all right.”

“Thank you… thanks.” Jacob responds in a small voice. 

“Cassidy, your trims were pretty weak—and Big Joe told me you been whining a lot.”

Shit. He’s really not going easy today. It gives Finn a bad feeling, he knows him well enough by now to know that when he’s like this, the smallest thing flips his lid. 

As long as they get the money and get out, it should be fine. _ It should. _

Cassidy sighs. “Bet he did.” 

“Look, you can bitch all you want as long as you work! Otherwise, you’re just takin’ up space, so get it together.” 

“I know, Merrill.” Cassidy mutters. 

“Now for Sean. Very nice trims! Good work, kid.”

That makes Finn’s heart swell with pride, both for Sean, and for himself for recruiting him for the job in the first place. He would have done it even if Sean had been a lousy worker, promised to train him under his hand, whatever it took—but Sean’s always been a hard worker, and a damn good one at that. 

“Finn, you saved the pots in the greenhouse… _ and _ our asses. That’s why you keep coming back.”

Oh _ hell yes _he and Sean are both in the clear. It’s about to be one hell of a payday. All Finn can think about is drinking and smoking by the lake with him, it makes him feel brave. Maybe a bit too much. 

“You know it, Boss! Uh… how about a raise?” 

Merrill’s face drops instantly. Maybe that was too much too soon. Worth a shot, though. Finn clears his throat. 

“Yeah, uh, sorry.”

Cassidy gives him a look that says ‘_ are you fucking kidding me?’ _

“Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for—“

Merrill picks up the stack of cash. _ Almost time to get outta here. _

“_Get in here, you little asshole!” _Big Joe screams from the next room. 

Everybody straightens up, stiff as a board. 

“What the fuck!?” Merrill shouts. 

Big Joe swings the door open, pulling Daniel by the arm behind him. 

“Don’t touch me, jerk!” Daniel yells. 

Sean immediately runs to him, that good ole big brother instinct never being in favor of common sense. Big Joe shoves him back, knocking him over with just one hand. Finn catches him in his arms and hoists him back onto his feet. 

“_Don’t move!” _Merrill barks at the both of them. 

Finn’s hand lingers on Sean’s arm, holding him by the crook of his elbow. 

Merrill looks absolutely furious, and Finn knows this is it. This was the final straw. 

“Now, explain!”

“That sneaky fucker,” Big Joe says, referring to Daniel, who looks like a bird flapping about in his hand. “He was snooping around your living room!” 

“No I wasn’t! I was just bored, so I came in—“ Daniel protests. 

Sean whines, in the way you whine when you and your sibling are both in trouble with your parents and you _ know _you didn’t do anything wrong, but now they’re in a bad mood, so you both get to pay for it. Especially when you’re the older one. 

“Shut up, Daniel! Seriously, let him go!” He yells. 

“_Shh. _I told you—“

“Come on, Merrill! He’s a kid, not a thief! You wanna frisk him!?” 

“Look at him!” Cassidy says. “He’s just followin’ his big brother—“

Merrill holds up his hand. He’s got that look that Finn knows well from being put in charge of the team for this long, the one that says he’s already made up his mind. He’s not going to listen to anybody’s piece. 

The room is too quiet. Finn feels a knot in his gut, like the distinct feeling of a plan going all wrong. Headlights pulling into the drive; the crunch of gravel when nobody’s supposed to be back yet; a gunshot. 

“Your brother needs a lesson… you _ all _need a lesson. So first off, no payday.” 

There it is. The first bomb. 

“Aw, b-boss—“ Finn starts. 

“Fuck that, no way! Cassidy yells. 

Finn looks right at Sean and finds he looks absolutely panicked, at a total loss for what to do next. Finn wants to be strong for him, he can take it, he’ll do anything. 

Please just don’t make him go. 

_Please don’t take him away from me. _

“Don’t do that to us, we _ earned _ that money—” 

Merrill points straight at Sean, ignoring both of their pleas.

“Sean, you and your brother are fired.” 

And there it is; the real kicker. It was just too fucking good, wasn’t it? It’s not fucking fair, not to Sean or Daniel. 

“_What!?” _Cassidy gasps from the corner. 

“And don’t come back, or Big Joe will take care of your ass.” 

“Please, Merrill—“

“That’s bullshit, man!” Cassidy pleads. She’s doing her hardest, the most Finn’s ever seen her beg for anything. He can relate. 

He can feel himself starting to panic, like maybe if he cares big enough that it will be enough to—fuck, _ rewind time _or something, make sure Daniel stays outside this time. 

He thinks of something, _ anything _ to get Merrill to change his mind, even when he knows it’s a lost cause. He can’t _ not _try. 

“Man, I—I know you’re pissed, but Sean is a good worker!” He looks back and forth between Sean and Merrill, unsure of who he wants to calm more. “Never brought you any losers, right!?” 

“_Sir— _“ Sean cries. 

“_Quiet!” _Merrill screams, banging his fist against the table. “Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Sean, I warned you, one too many times. We tried your way, now is my turn.” 

Sean doesn’t look him in the eye. He looks defeated. 

“Okay, Joseph. Just teach him a lesson.” Merrill says. Then he leaves the room. 

Finn’s face twists with disappointment. Merrill’s a tough guy, sure, but Finn’s dealt with so much worse. This is the temper getting the best of an otherwise okay man, greed-driven and morally compromised in an effort to look like a hard-ass. Now Daniel gets to pay for it. 

Finn’s a lot more disappointed in himself, though. He’s witnessing, and that’s good as participation. 

Joseph pulls Daniel by the arm. Finn feels like he’s about to do something really fucking stupid. 

“Let me go!” Daniel shouts. He’s thrown to the floor in response. 

“Come on, man!” Sean pleads. 

“Big Joe, what are you gonna do!? He’s just a little fucking kid!” Cassidy screams, holding her hands together as she begs for him to stop. 

“This ain’t your business.” He says. “Think I like it? It’s mine.” 

Joseph steps back over to Daniel, hovering over him like a shark on a minnow. He flails underneath him, gasping and wide-eyed, and then—

A sound comes from the table; the distinct clink of a ceramic ashtray. It flops around a bit before—_hovering? _

Finn knows he’s not the only one seeing it, everybody in the room is staring right at it with the same expression he imagines he has on his own face, slack-jawed and bug-eyed. 

Daniel raises his hand and it flies over to him and straight at Joseph’s head, knocking him hard. 

“Ow! What—“ 

Finn and Cassidy look at each other at the same time, both seeking answers to a question they’re not sure how to ask. 

Finn turns to look at Sean and finds him—oddly unsurprised. The same panic from before is there, the fear of the situation at hand, but he looks more like a secret’s gotten out than anything. His eyes dart around the room, as if he’s hoping nobody noticed. They definitely fucking did, and Joseph more than anyone. 

“Okay, okay, who did that!?” He asks. 

Finn looks at Sean reflexively, since he seems to be the only one with even a hint of detail on what just happened. He doesn’t respond, though. 

“_Who did that!? _” Joseph asks again, louder and angrier than before. 

Sean still doesn’t respond. His hands are shaking. Finn knows that Joseph is about to take it out on him either way. He has to fucking do something. 

“Uh, Big Joe, my friend…” 

Finn rounds Sean and steps between them, holding his arm out protectively the entire time. He stops right in the middle, and then—

He’s met with a fist to the face. It’s what he expected, and it was absolutely worth it, but _ goddamn _ does it hurt. 

Sean throws his arms out for him, being the one to catch him this time when he’s knocked on _ his _ ass. 

Big Joe tells them all to get the fuck out and get on the truck, and after that, nobody’s up to argue. They hop on with their tails tucked between their legs. 

Of course the entire ride back is everybody asking Sean and Daniel what they just saw, if it was even real or not, and if so, _ how? _

Sean swears that he’ll explain, but that nobody else is to know, either; none of the others, only the ones that witnessed it firsthand. Turns out this wasn’t supposed to get out to anybody at all, and Finn can understand why. 

Sean proposes to meet up in the woods before Ingrid and Anders going away party while everybody else is distracted with the promise of an explanation, so long as they swear to keep it to themselves. Everybody’s pretty cool with that. 

//

They do what they can to pass the time while Penny, Hannah, Ingrid, and Anders start setting up for the party, slowly slipping off to the edge of the woods with Sean’s signal.

“We’re gonna make this quick, got it? I just… don’t wanna leave you guys hanging with what you saw before. You’ve already seen it, so might as well. Daniel, you know what to do.” 

Daniel nods and raises his hand, looking around them, eyes scanning for something unknown. That something becomes clear when a pine cone levitates between them and towards Daniel, then into his palm, held perfectly balanced, as if his fingers were around it. 

He passes it back to display to everyone, twirling it around in a circle like it’s a show and tell presentation. Cassidy gasps when it gets near her, giving it a light tap with her finger. It wobbles from side to side, as if it were in water.

It blows Finn’s fucking mind. It’s the coolest thing he’s ever seen, and it makes Daniel even cooler than he ever could have imagined, which was a _ hell _of a lot.

There’s a part of him that feels so validated. That little boy in him that was always larger than life, always underestimated; the part of him that he found again in Daniel. And here Daniel is, he’s got fucking telekinesis. Finn imagines if he had been like this at nine years old, what he would’ve done, could’ve done. 

It gives him a pretty unthinkably stupid idea; a solution to two problems. Two birds, one stone. He doesn't dare propose it yet.

“Well, that’s it, believe it or not.” Sean huffs, his arms crossed over his chest. “Told you it would sound crazy…” 

“Fuck… that’s mental.” Cassidy says.

“Exactly.”

“I knew somethin’ was up with you guys!” She jokes, shaking Daniel by his shoulder. “Damn… I would be scared shitless.” 

“I am.” Sean replies almost immediately. “It’s all going so fast, I’m… fucking lost, sometimes.”

“It’s okay, Sean. I know what I’m doing.” Daniel says confidently. 

It makes Finn’s heart hurt knowing he’s been going through this shit alone, just him and Daniel. Something literally unimaginable to any other person on earth. Unless… Sean, too? 

“Man, so, Sean—maybe this shit is in your DNA, too. Do… you have a superpower?” He asks, hope in his voice. It would make things so much easier if that were the case.

“_Nada. _Zero. Nothing. Trust me, I tried.” 

“_Really? _ When!?” Daniel asks excitedly. 

It’s probably lonely as hell being the only person who knows what it’s like to have that kind of power, and just a kid, at that. It sucks for them both. 

Jacob speaks up, suddenly. It’s the first time he’s spoken since they were at Merrill’s. 

“Do you...have any idea where it comes from? I mean, it can’t be random...” 

Sean looks absolutely unsure, like that’s as much as he knows, too. It can’t be comforting. 

“I figured it started in Seattle, maybe the shock triggered something. Fuck, I don’t know.” 

“But, I still don’t remember…” Daniel says. 

“Don’t worry about it.” 

“_Damn, _you’re so unique, Daniel…” Cassidy says, her voice soft, like when she sings over the fire. Gentle and comforting, with none of her usual bite. 

“That’s why I need your word that you’ll keep all this to yourself. Seriously.” 

“Oh this stays right with us. Promise, you can trust us.” She says, just as softly. 

Sean’s eyes dart around, as if he hasn’t bought it yet, like a dog that’s been caught one too many times. Hard to trust. 

He looks right at Jacob.

“Jake?”

“I don’t know, I mean… this is a big deal, Sean.” Jacob replies, all pinched brow and fidgeting hands. The poster child for anxiety. “How long can you keep this a secret?” 

“As long as we have to. It’s all about keeping Daniel safe. That’s my job now, man.” 

“What if he has those powers for a reason? Maybe it’s our job to help him, too. Guide him…” 

Sean looks agitated. Finn can’t blame him. 

“What does he mean, Sean?” Daniel asks.

“Dude, no. Do not make this into some cosmic bullshit. You still can’t tell anybody.”

“_Come on. _ I wouldn’t do that to you, Sean, or Daniel.” Jacob lurches over, like he’s about to throw up suddenly. “_Agh. _This whole thing just blew my mind… I think I need a break. Is that okay?”

“No worries, it’s cool.” Sean reassures him.

“Not after what you guys went through with these bastards…” Jacob slowly starts backing away from the group, looking kind of like a kicked puppy. “Okay, talk later... “ 

They wave him off, leaving only Finn and Cassidy with Sean and Daniel.

“He’s right. Its fucking bullshit.” Cassidy says, her bite back in her voice. 

“I know.” 

Sean steps towards Finn, where he’s got his back pressed into a tree. Chill as always on the outside, even now. 

“Finn, do you swear? I mean it.” 

Finn looks right up at him, into those pretty eyes.

“No worries, sweetheart. I’d never let anythin’ happen to that little guy. He’s a true rebel.” 

“Thanks, man. For real.” 

Finn nods, head down, looking at his shoes. Sean steps away, followed by Cassidy, then Daniel. He’s left all alone, just like that. 

All he can think about is how Sean and Daniel are leaving, and as of yet, he’s got no solution to that problem. No grand plan that will fix everything, even though that’s all he’s really good for—keeping the family together, playing peacekeeper. 

It makes him feel lousy as shit. The bruise blossoming on his face is a sore reminder of his failure to protect them himself, and this only feels like salt in the wound. 

He thinks about that car he wants to fix up for Sean and Daniel. He thinks about how they’re about to be back on the road without it. He’s so fucking desperate he will do anything, try anything. Stupid. That stupid thing he wanted to do at Merrill’s, it’s creeping up on him. Like mud swallowing him to his ankles, his father’s voice whispering in his ear; _ just like him. _That thought grips him by his throat.

_You think of a safe full of cash and you just can’t control yourself, can you? You’d use a kid just to get it, wouldn’t you? One just like you were?_

It’s not, though. He knows it isn’t, because when he thinks about what’s driving him, all he can imagine is days spent under the redwoods. Singing campfire songs knee to knee with Sean; helping Daniel learn his way around a knife; holding both their hands and imagining a future he’s a part of, a future they get to have. He wants to give them what his father never afforded him and his own brothers. More than anything.

He wants to do this for peace, for love, and for freedom. For all of them.

Daniel’s practically untouchable, right? He’s safer than Finn or Sean would be, that’s for sure. Anything or anybody comes at him he can just fling it away, easy peasy. It’s foolproof, Finn is sure of it. They need Daniel to pull it off, though. 

“Uh, hold up!”

They all stop in their tracks, then turn to look at him, confusion clear on their faces, even in the dark.

“You know… there’s a lot of money around here.”

Cassidy immediately gives him a look that tells him she’s about to play the saint. He hopes Sean will at least hear him out, but there’s no way this will end without fighting her on it first, that’s for damn sure. 

“Oh _no.” _She says sternly. “What the _fuck_ are you talking about?”

She knows, she just wants him to say it to sound bad, because it does sound bad, but what choice does he have? 

“Merrill’s safe. It’s like a fucking ATM, I’ve seen it.”

“Me too!” Daniel says, off to the side of the conversation. “In the back of the room.” 

“How you outlaws going to get the combination?” She asks, glaring pointedly.

Finn glances over to Daniel and gets a surprised look in return.

“Me?” he asks. 

“No fucking way, Finn.” She’s demanding it, there’s no discussion. “Don’t pull a kid into your stupid shit.” 

Why does she always have to act like she’s got something to prove? Like she’s any better than the lot of them; like she’s too good to want things for herself, too above it. If Finn has a bag full of cash, he can help Sean and Daniel, and what is sitting back and watching them leave going to do besides rip his heart out of his chest? He has to try, he _ has _to. 

“Getting a shitload of cash isn’t _ stupid, _we can get out of here!” 

_We._

“So you can be a beach bum!? You’re so selfish, man…” 

It hurts, even when he knows that he isn’t doing this for himself. People always assuming the worst of him gets old.

“How!? Sean and Daniel are out of work, they deserve this!” 

“And ripping Merrill off is the only way to do that? Really? And with a fucking _ kid _!? You know these assholes are armed, right?” she yells, pointing to Daniel as if Finn forgot about him, as if he could. 

Daniel has a fucking _ superpower _, who the hell is worried about guns? 

Cassidy shoves hard at his chest with both hands, like there’s no other way to get through to him than this way, like he’s always been handled. Nobody ever fucking gets it. He hopes that there’s one person here that will, the only person. 

“Don’t lecture me. I was just… havin’ a brain fart. Let’s have a beer n’ forget about it, Sean. Cool?” 

He taps his knuckles against Sean’s chest once. He doesn’t meet his eyes. 

“Deal. Not like I would let you use Daniel anyway.”

It stings like a slap on his cheek. That’s not what he’s trying to do at all, no. He wants to help. He wants—

They’ll never believe him. Whatever. 

“No more of this crap, okay?” Cassidy scolds, pointing her finger sternly at his face. It reminds him of his father. He cowers down and nods tight and short, looking down at his shoes. He just wants to get away from this now, so he does. 

He can already hear Cassidy ranting to Sean about him as he walks away, how he just needs his ass kicked every once in a while, like that’s of any help, like that’s going to get anything done to fix this mess and keep Sean and Daniel from being homeless again. Fuck fuck _ fuck. _

He wants to cry, to scream at the top of his lungs, but he knows nobody would be listening. He feels sick to his stomach. This is all wrong. It wasn’t supposed to go this way. They were supposed to have time, tonight was the night he was going to—

Whatever. _ Whatever whatever whatever. _

It was always too good of an idea to be true, he should have known better, there is no winning when you fall in fast track love. He fucked this up the second he started imagining a future with them, seeing it as a goal, instead of just going with the flow. 

His heart feels like an engine that’s been overworking itself for so long that it’s about to give out and die, like it hasn’t worked this hard in its entire life, because it really fucking hasn’t, and now he’s in love and there’s nowhere left for that love to go. He's about to be good for scrap. 

What can he do now, besides accept it? It seems impossible to swallow, no matter how much he tells himself he has to. 

He finds the others, partying in full swing, already drunk as all hell. He wants that right now, very much, thank you. 

“Finnegan! Good of you to join us. You want beer, yes?” Anders asks, voice even more boisterous than usual. 

“Yeah, that’d be fuckin’ awesome, man. Thanks.”

Anders reaches into a cooler and pulls out a beer for him. When he turns to hand it to Finn, Finn just holds up two fingers, and Anders immediately catches his drift, reaching back into the cooler to grab him a second. 

“So, what are your big plans for tonight?” 

“Well, I guess drinkin’ these is a good start, right? Guess I’ll see where they take me.”

“Right on, Finn! Be sure to have a good time!” 

Yeah, right. 

“It’s your party, my man. You too. I think I’m gonna just… hang back for a little while.” 

Anders nods, but Finn doubts he even registered what he said, he’s already trashed. 

He glances around, scoping out the scene, and for the first time, there’s not a single place where he feels like he fits in here. It hurts almost as bad as Sean’s earlier remark, which still burns on his cheek. He just wants a fuckin’ drink.

The only place to sit where he’ll be left alone without it being _ too _ obvious that he’s upset is a log sat just outside of the party, unoccupied and tucked away. He sits down and puts one of his two beers on the ground next to his feet and cracks the other open, chugging it immediately. 

He feels like he could just fall backwards and melt into the earth, so helplessly human, and so fucking useless in this form. 

It’s times like this he wishes he could be something that’s everywhere at once all the time, like air, or love. He wants to be something that’s able to indiscriminately follow, always welcome, always needed. 

For the first time in his life, it feels like there’s a hole where he fits. He can feel it, it’s right there—but it’s not made yet, because he hasn’t made it yet, and now his chance is gone. It’s all closing up. 

Sean jogs by, Daniel in tow, either not seeing him, or not noticing that he’s there. That’s okay, he’s not in any rush to experience further rejection at the moment. But he can’t take his eyes off of him, either.

He talks to Penny first, who is obviously stoned as shit, and _ loud. _He makes his way over to Hannah and Daniel second, and Finn wonders what it is they’re talking about. She’s worried for him, he knows her too well, he just hopes she doesn’t burden Sean with it, he’s got enough to worry about. 

He wraps up with Cassidy, who has just finished up a heated conversation with Ingrid, and Finn tries really hard to not stare, but how can he not. Sean’s about to leave, and he’s got so many pictures left to take, it doesn’t matter who’s in them with him anymore. 

_Just be happy, that’s all I ever want. _

He nurses his beer and watches Sean start up a chat with Cassidy. They talk for a bit, until Cassidy leans in and takes his face in her hand, a mischievous look in her eyes. 

She’s obviously trying to talk him into something, and that _ something _becomes clear when she pulls out her inking equipment and starts prodding at his arm with it. He wonders what the tattoo will be, if Sean picked it out, or if he’s more of a ‘just surprise me’ type of a guy. It’s going to look unfairly good on him, whatever it is. 

He’s jealous of it; how it will be with Sean through everything to come, there for his whole life, right by his side. He’ll look at it and he’ll think of Cassidy. 

That’s what he’ll remember about Humboldt when his hair starts to go gray and there’s wrinkles on his hands. Humboldt; the place where he got his first shitty tattoo. The place where he bummed with a bunch of hippies for a month in his youth, none of which are really worth noting. That’s it. No greater tale. 

Cassidy finishes up her work and wraps his arm up in plastic wrap. She kisses him on the cheek and calls out something that Finn can’t quite make out. It seems like some kind of invitation, but Sean politely waves her off. 

And suddenly, he’s walking towards Finn. Suddenly everything is rushing towards him at once, like he’s staring at the sun. No, not the sun, more like… the headlights of a semi-truck. The horn is blaring. His feet feel like they’re in tar. 

“Heh… have a seat!” He reaches for the spare beer he got from Anders. This is a lot better than drinking both alone. “_Have a beer_. To our last night together, and to your next adventure.”

They toast, clinking the cans together as if they were champagne glasses. In a different world, in a different life, maybe they are. 

They chug in unison. Sean still hasn’t said a word. 

“So… what are you gonna do next?” 

“_Ha _, figure out what I’m gonna do. Me and Daniel are homeless again.” Sean says bluntly. 

Finn hates seeing him like this. He can’t stand it. The urge to do something, _ anything, _ it’s like bugs underneath his skin. Every second he gets closer to doing something stupid. 

He has to try. 

He laughs bitterly, because it’s funny. It’s really fucking funny how he always ends up becoming exactly what people expect him to be. He wonders if Sean feels the same way, sometimes. 

No. Sean didn’t choose this. Finn did. 

“Well, when I got outta jail, I had nobody but me. My brothers were still in the joint, they _ still _are. I stayed with a friend, nobody could find me.”

He feels like somebody pulled the cork out of his heart; he’s draining it out all at once. Somebody stabbed a hole in the pool. 

“Yeah, then I just said ‘_fuck it’, _and took off. That was it, man. No more family… just me. Always tryn'a find a new daddy… or new bros… yeah, stupid.”

Was there a point to this conversation? Oh, right. Sean and Daniel are about to leave forever.

“I knew I had to cut everythin’ off, start over all for myself. That’s what you’re doin’! Yeah, you’re startin’ all over. And now, you just gotta… take the next step to build a… somethin’... for you and Daniel, right?” 

“I know you’re right, Finn.” Sean groans. “It’s just a fucking lot to think through.”

“No, it’s _ not.” _

They both finish their beers and toss the cans on the ground. 

“You just gotta trust your gut, Sean. Life will follow.”

“Yeah…”

“Aww… it’s gonna be alright, laddie. You… have enough cash for the trip?”

“I doubt it, but… we’ll see.”

The hole is closing up. This conversation is about to be over, and then Sean will go finish saying his goodbyes, and that’s it. End of story, move onto the next one, meet the next cast of characters, head towards a new ending. A book that Finn’s not in at the end. 

That car he wants to fix. 

He’s going to have to steal it for them. 

“Hey, it’s bullshit after all this. You deserve the lotto for life_ . _ Seriously._” _

Sean’s listening to him this time, quietly. No shoving, no finger-wagging, no making him feel small. No making Finn look at his shoes. 

He’s _ listening. _

“How are you two gonna get to Mexico? Hitchhike? Walk? All right, just hear me out, man. There’s only one way outta this for you… one way to _ hook yourself up_. Listen, we got this, Sean! Daniel can open that safe with his eyes closed! _ Come on.” _

Still no objection yet. It makes him feel even more upset with Cassidy for taking over the conversation earlier. 

This is Sean and Daniel’s life, their business. They’re the ones with everything on the line and of course she doesn’t care, when has she ever? Fuck it. Leave behind everything. Lose your friends, your lovers, your home, who cares? 

Finn cares. Finn cares a whole fucking lot. 

_“ _ Merrill’s… probably wasted, like every night. You guys can get to _ Puerto Lobos _ in style, with a nest egg. You don’t want Daniel to be homeless anymore, right? Huh?”

Sean gives him a look that he’s all too familiar with. It’s the same look he’d give his dad after being talked into a bad idea, one that he wasn’t so sure of this time, sold to him on the promise of money and a good time. But that means it’s working, and he can’t give up now. He puts a hand on Sean’s shoulder. 

“Then _ let’s do this_. I wouldn’t let you in on this if I had any doubt.” 

And he doesn’t. Not one bit. He always pulled shit off with his dad and his brothers and they were just a bunch of kids with shitty tools and a gun in case things went south. 

Daniel’s got a fucking superpower, doesn’t even need to touch the thing. There’s no _ way _it won’t work, all they have to do is get in there. 

“Are you… positive that we can do this without getting busted?” Sean asks. 

It takes a second to process, that Sean’s actually trusting him with this, _ actually _hearing him out. He jolts with excitement, grabs the back of Sean’s neck, pulls their heads together. 

“_Absolutely. _Candy from a baby!” 

Sean takes a moment to consider it, rolling the idea around in his mind. Finn can tell he wants to say yes. 

“Mmm… okay, fuck it. We’re in.” 

This is a story Finn is in at the end. A story that ends in Mexico, where they’re one big fucked-up happy dysfunctional family. A story where they’re a family. 

“_Yes! _Fuckin’ A! You are the man!” Finn exclaims. 

He wraps his arm around Sean’s back, pulling him closer. He doesn’t mean to, but it’s all bubbling up. 

Sean at the Christmas tree market. The orange jacket, the pretty eyes. He looks right at Finn with them now, close as ever. 

“I knew you and me were the same, I felt it from the start!”

He’s so excited for the future he can’t stand it. But then he remembers something. He hasn’t actually _ asked _ Sean if he’s invited to Mexico or not. He hasn’t even told Sean that he _ likes him _yet. 

Suddenly the hole feels like it’s closing up again.

“I also thought it’d be… cool… if you and Daniel stayed with us after we’re done.” 

It’s a half-truth. He already knows that Cassidy’s going to tell him to get lost for going behind her back like this, there will be no _ us _left here, only in Mexico. 

“Really? You’d be… cool with that?” Sean asks, voice full of hope, full of excitement. 

Finn can’t believe this is happening. It’s an adrenaline rush like he’s never had before; not one he ever got from stealing cars with his brothers, speeding down back-roads and screaming out the sunroof. 

This is something else. This is love. 

“Only if you are, no pressure!” 

He can’t hold it back anymore. He’s feeling too much, his heart drained out only minutes ago now pumped full, bursting at the seams. 

“I’m really glad we met, Sean. I feel like we have a…” He considers whether or not the next thing out of his mouth might be too much—but there’s no other way to put it. “_ Strong _connection.”

Finn leans in close, as close as he can, like he’s standing on the edge of a cliff with his toes dangling off the edge, and Sean is waiting to catch him in the trench down below—or not. 

“That’s me,” He leans in and puts his left hand on Sean’s back; taps his finger against his chest, right where his heart rests under his ribs. “Always gettin’ obsessed over people I meet.”

Not people, only Sean. But Sean is people, so he’s not lying, either. 

Sean’s quiet. He doesn’t seem off-put, but maybe like he’s not sure what to say to that. Finn can’t blame him, he probably wouldn’t know what to say either.

“Sorry ‘bout that.”

Sean’s eyes dart up to Finn, then back down to the ground, and back up again. 

Slowly, a warm smile makes its way onto his face and he looks down again, except it doesn’t look like the ground he’s looking at. 

He’s right here, standing on the edge with Finn, and he’s looking down at the drop below. He might not be literally, but Finn can feel him holding his hand, intertwining their fingers. 

“I—I think I feel… the same.” Sean says, absolutely resolute. 

Finn puts his hand on Sean’s knee like it’s an anchor; the guardrail holding him to the ledge of the land, right before the place where it drops off into nothing. What happens next doesn’t really matter, it’s all about seeing it, committing it to memory, and this is a sight he’ll never forget. He knows at the very least that’s true. 

They look into each other like they’re both mirrors, a look in their eyes that’s asking the other if they’re ready to make the jump without saying a word. 

But Finn wants to do this right, and he needs to hear it. 

“What are you afraid of, then?” He asks. 

“Nothing.” Sean says.

And then it happens. They jump off, into the great unknown, hand in hand and mouth to mouth, embracing each other as they plunge into whatever awaits below. It’s a scene that Finn’s written out in his head over and over before—now he throws out the script. 

It’s not even making out, not really, neither of them make a move to bring it up to that. It’s just long and tender pressing of lips against lips, breathing in each other’s air, and it’s so absolutely overwhelming that Finn’s completely fine with leaving it at that. 

Sean’s hand slips its way over to grip Finn’s thigh, his arm crossing with Finn’s own, because Finn’s _ really _ not ready to take his hands off of Sean, not even with his mouth on him. He responds by moving the hand he had on Sean’s back upwards to grip onto his shoulder. 

Sean is clearly inexperienced, sure, but it’s the last thing on Finn’s mind. What _ is _ on Finn’s mind is how eager Sean is _ despite _ being clearly inexperienced. There’s no trace of reluctance or regret in his touch—if anything, there’s something like… _ hunger… _like no matter how long they go at this, it won’t be enough for him. 

So they have that in common, too, then. 

Finn is the first to pull away, too afraid of messing this up and pressuring Sean to go any further than he’s ready to yet. This moment is too perfect to be ruined because he can’t restrain himself. This is enough, for now. It’s perfect. 

He catches a glimpse of Sean chasing his lips, his eyes still closed, before realizing that there’s nothing for him to meet and opens them again, looking a little bewildered and disappointed.

It doesn’t last very long, he breaks into a _stupidly _happy smile right after. 

It almost makes it worth the sacrifice. Almost. 

They go back to their respective places on the log, looking around as if nothing happened. Sean looks up at the sky, and Finn looks over at him, taking in every second of the pretty smile on his face. 

He finds it hard to believe he put kisses there just a few seconds ago. All he can think about is grabbing Sean and kissing him until he and Daniel have to leave, and then carrying him off himself and kissing him some more. Maybe later, when all this is over with—_ after _they’ve robbed the druglord. 

Sean sighs, his voice dripping with the smile on his face.

“I think I’m gonna miss this place…” 

“No shit. I love it too.” Finn says. 

And he really does. Humboldt has shown him so much more love than so many of the places he’s been and lived before, it’s hard not to feel like a piece of his heart will be left here when they pack up and head out. It’s always onto the next. Finn thinks he might be getting a little tired of it.

“I’m so fucking glad we ran into you guys. This was…” Finn puts a hand on Sean’s back. “The single best experience in my whole life.” 

It was for Finn, too. 

He’s not ready to let go. They’re going to Mexico, they’re going to get that beach house. They have such better memories to make than the ones they’ve made here. So much more time than a month to spend together. 

“Yeah, it’s always a wild ride. I’m glad you’re on board, now. I mean… if you’re in… looks like you’re ready for the long haul.” He says, a hand on Sean’s knee. 

“Yeah. I feel… _ different _now, in a good way.” 

Sean seems so… content. It’s definitely not with the situation in general, that being less than ideal, so the implications make Finn’s heart swell. 

There’s not an ounce of regret or panic to be found on his face or in his voice. He leans into the touch. 

“Right on.” Finn hums_ . _ “You sure ain’t no pup anymore… “

Finn’s actually excited for the future for the first time in a long time. He can’t remember the last time he _ had _a future, can’t remember the last time he looked beyond what was right in front of him.

All he can think looking at what’s right in front of him now is that he wants more of it.

“There’s so many things that we can do together, Sean.”

Sunshine. Feet in the sand. Sweet ocean view. Kisses and years and years. 

“Yeah. I’d like that.” 

They go quiet, neither looking at each other, only sharing space. Two hearts still humming the same song. 

“So, uh, how do we work this out tonight?” 

“Eh, it’s early, so just go party. Hug everybody goodbye,n’ then talk to Daniel, n’ come and get me when you’re ready. Cool? 

“Cool.” 

Sean pats Finn on his back, and gets a pat on the knee in return. Then that’s that, he’s getting up, heading off like nothing happened. Finn’s heart is still pounding in his chest. 

“By the way, Sean—” He catches him by the wrist, making a quick note of his fresh tattoo; warped by the plastic wrap, but seemingly a little wolf... thing. “It was a cooool moment.” 

Sean just smiles at him, looking as dazed as he feels, _ and imagines he looks _, right now. 

Finn can’t stop himself from smiling like a complete idiot. A kiss that small shouldn’t be shit to him, now, but it feels like his first one all over again. He hopes it was just as good for Sean, meant just as much.

Maybe one day soon he’ll be able to ask him about it, maybe they’ll even have a second, and a third.. Only a couple of hours time and he’ll be homeward bound with his family, laughing at everybody who doubted him, all the way to Mexico. 

  
Soon enough.   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit okay first of all thank you guys so much for all the comments telling me to keep going and that you've enjoyed this story, it's been the sole thing pushing me to keep writing it and see it through and you have no idea how many times I've read them over and over for motivation. 
> 
> That said, I'm so sorry for this long wait between chapters, and I hope that it was worth the wait! This fic is a lot of work since I have to basically read the whole episode script, watch each scene over and over to make sure there's no inconsistencies, that I'm getting the scene right, etc. which is why it takes so much time, but I knew that getting into it! It's a labor of love!
> 
> Episode 5 really gave me a kick in the side to pick it back up, since I wasn't sure if the game was going to give me an ending I could fit into this story or not, and I wasn't sure where I was headed, but now I do so it's all good!
> 
> I originally wanted to include the heist in this chapter, but it went over 11k words already and I felt like after the kiss was just right, since shit's about to hit the fan. I apologize for the mess that the next chapter will be though :( Thank you guys so much again for the support, it means a lot! I hope you all have a fantastic day!


	7. Busted Safes & Hospital Linens

Finn sits on his thoughts for as long as he’s got. Sean promised to return, and he’s in no rush, not anymore. He thinks about what they’re about to do, the crime they’re about to commit—but it’s not what lingers in his thoughts. It’s something familiar, it’s _ boring. _

Instead, his mind wanders to something that’s new, something he’s never given much thought to; the future. This is his last night he’s ever going to wonder if he’ll find a place where he fits just right. Finally, he has it, in a little town in Mexico. 

Sean returns shortly after with a visibly excited Daniel trotting alongside him; a grin splitting his face. Finn smiles every time he remembers it’s his family that he’s looking at when they’re around. No more strangers no more. 

“Daniel, my man!” Finn reaches over to him for a high-five that’s quickly returned. “So… you guys in?” 

“Hell yeah!” Daniel exclaims in full confidence. “This is gonna be _so _easy, and then we can do whatever we want! All that money… that’s gonna be ours, right?” 

“Absolutely! We got this, fellas. Sean, you just follow me. Dan, we’re gonna need ya, little man, so don’t run off n’ be sure to follow me n’ Sean real close, okay?” 

Daniel nods sharply, like he’s taking orders from an army general. Sean rolls his eyes. 

“Sean, you alright?” Finn asks.

“Yeah, just… nervous. I’ll be fine. Just point us in the right direction so we can get this over with. The sooner the better.” 

All Finn wants is to see that smile on his face when it’s all over, when they have the money in their hands and their future ahead of them. It’s the bare minimum of what he deserves, the bare minimum of what Finn can give him. He’d tear the sun out of the sky for him if he could. Maybe someday, he will. 

They head away from the party, out of view of any suspicious eyes. Finn tries not to think about what he’s going to have to deal with from them later. They’ll change their minds when they see the cash. Hopefully. 

Even after everything, he’d never even think of not sharing it with them, not even Cass. That’s the best tip she’d ever get; one not dropped at her feet onto a paper plate in pity. He wants to give her that much. She deserves that much.

He can’t help but be giddy. He feels like a man who’s got it all. He thinks he should know better than to count your eggs before they hatch, but it’s all too good. It’s too easy to be excited when second-guessing is such a buzzkill. 

He leads the way with the click of his flashlight, Sean and Daniel towing behind him.

“_Big Joe better be asleep, man. _” Sean says, his voice shaking.

“_Oh, he’s down for the night. Fuck him. _” Finn spits. 

Daniel pipes up. 

“_Maybe we could take some of his cool stuff, too! _” 

“_No fucking way, Daniel. _ ” Sean replies sharply. “ _ That house is a death trap. Big Joe probably has an arsenal, the whole place is probably booby-trapped. _”

This is where Finn is really good at handling Daniel in all the ways that Sean isn’t. He knows better than anyone that making him feel equal is the most important thing, especially at a time like this. You can’t ask a child to do adult things and then not treat them like one. 

It’s not fair, and it doesn’t have very fun long-lasting effects, either. Not that having children commit crimes is much greater, but not all children have telekinesis, do they? 

“_That’s not our mission. _” 

And that’s that. No argument from Daniel. 

They make it to Big Joe’s, all his cars lined up in the yard at their disposal, and all behind a very locked gate.

“_Fucking A! _ ” Daniel whispers, as loudly as possible. “ _ The gate is locked! _”

“_We just gotta get inside, n’ get some wheels. _” 

They all stand still for a moment, eyeing Finn for any further instructions. 

He picks up the padlock to inspect it, he’s picked many-a-locks in his day, and if he were lucky, it’d be that easy, but of course a thug like Big Joe isn’t one to go for something on the cheap end. The thing is huge and way too solid to cut with bolt cutters, even if they _ had _any, and it’s got a lengthy chain wrapped around the gates holding it in place. 

“_No way I’ll break that. Guys, this one’s on you. _”

Sean tilts his head in the direction of the lock.

“_Daniel, maybe you can…? _” 

Daniel perks up. Eager to help, as always.

“_Uh, you better step back. _” He says, gesturing his arms for them to move out of the way.

“_Try to keep it quiet, if you can. Big Joe might wake up. _” 

Daniel waits for both of them to get far back enough, then extends his arm. 

The gates bend towards him, rattling with as much force as a tornado tugging at them. After a moment, the chain gives, and they snap open. 

“_I got the power.” _Daniel says it in a way that sounds like he’s quoting something, or somebody. Maybe it’s a cartoon he used to watch; something from when he got to be a normal kid and do normal kid things. 

Finn still can’t quite get used to that. 

_ “Holy fuckin’ shit, wow!” He whispers _ . “ _ Let’s bail. _”

Sean shakes his head, as if everybody should be as used to Daniel’s magic tricks as he is. Finn bets that was probably as exciting as turning on a lightswitch for him.

They tiptoe past the gates, only to be immediately greeted with a motion light glaring down at them. 

“_Whoa!” _Sean gasps. 

Daniel uses quick thinking, _ smart kid, _and blows it out, along with the security camera rigged up right next to it. Too late, though. Big Joe’s dog’s already barking inside. 

“_Lights out, now! Hide! _” Finn says, clicking off his flashlight. 

Sean does the same, and they run for cover behind one of Big Joe’s cars. 

“_Man, did you really need to do this? _” Sean asks Daniel.

“_At least no one will be watching us now. _” 

Big Joe starts yelling from inside, voice barely audible, but completely impossible to miss. Sean is nearest the view of his quarters, and Finn can’t see a thing around the car. 

He feels a lot like… his dad. His dad, who would have him keep an eye out for the people that were strapped, because he was the ‘_ smallest’ _and hardest to see. In hindsight, that really just meant he was the hardest to shoot at. 

“_Quiet, Sean, listen. See anything?” _

_ “Mm…” _ Sean lets out a sigh of relief. He must be going back to bed. “ _ Thank god.” _

“_Okay, troops. We’re invisible now. No lights, no sound, no nothin’. Cool?” _

_ “Yeah.” _Sean says.

Finn looks around, surveying a place to start. It’s hard to keep his mind straight, and that fucks him up a little bit. This should be second nature to him. It _ is _. It’s dangerous to not have your head on right when you’re carjacking, and he knows this, but he knows a lot of things he chooses to ignore on a regular basis. 

“_I’ll try that truck.” _ He says, looking at the truck they ride to work in every day with the big flatbed on the back, the one where he talked to Sean about his soft hands and hard work and oh, right, he’s _ honey. _

_ “Cool. What do you want me to do, Finn?” _Daniel asks. 

_ “Just watch Big Joe’s house to see if anybody pops out, you good?” _

_ “Okay!” _

They split up. Finn tries the doors and windows on the truck while Sean checks another, and Daniel stays low and keeps watch for them both. Neither of them have any luck.

“_Check it out!” _ Sean says, drawing both Finn and Daniel’s attention to the truck that Big Joe takes them all to work in every day. “ _ So, all the doors are locked, but we just gotta get into one car. I… I think I can get that truck started.” _

Sean’s good at surprising Finn, always, but that really throws him for a loop. He had no idea Sean knew the last thing about cars. 

“_What!? How? Talk!” _

_ “My dad… was a mechanic. He once showed me how to hotwire his tow truck, just in case.” _

It figures that Sean and Daniel’s father was a man that fixed cars up for a living. Of course he did. Finn’s still high on the kiss, amongst everything else, and it’s too damn tempting to not point out the obvious, even if Sean _ does _ just ignore it.

“_Sean is a fuckin’ repo man, haha! That is hot!” _

Sean ignores it. 

_ “Plus, we could, uh, mess with all the other cars, so Big Joe can’t follow us.” _

Just when he thought he understood that he and Sean were the same, that he had seen the full extent of it and learned him inside out, he pulls this wildcard. It’s a fucking rush, knowing that he’s really into this, and not just nodding along to whatever Finn says. 

They’re going to grab their future together, hand in hand. Whatever it takes. 

_ “You’re startin’ to scare me. You’re too good at this.” _

More like ‘_ You’re startin’ to scare me, you’re making me fall more devastatingly in love with you than I thought was even possible. _’ But that works, too. 

_ “Hah…” _ Daniel laughs _ . “Cool plan, bro.” _

_ “We can… look for things to use. Anything destructive.” _

It’s cute seeing Sean getting a swell of pride in him. It’s something Finn hasn’t really seen in him before, not even when Merrill praises him for good work, or when Cassidy tells him he looks good. The only other time he’s seen Sean look like this was when he told him his trims were good, and after they kissed. 

Finn’s not sure what to do with that information. 

_ “I feel that. We can... break the windows n’ shit. Just. Keep. Quiet.” _

Finn and Sean look around for whatever they can to be generally destructive with; anything sharp or heavy will work best, Finn knows that much from experience. Sean picks up a screwdriver, which is neither. 

The way he uses it surprises Finn, though. He uses it to pop the hood on one of Big Joe’s trucks and promptly murders the engine, leaving it completely useless, then hops to the next and pops all the tires with it. 

City boys make do, huh.

Finally, he hops into the bed of the last remaining truck, presumably their getaway car. Finn thinks it doesn’t look much like the car he imagined for them to drive away in, the one he wanted to fix up, but it’ll do. 

"_So... how much money is in the safe?” _Daniel asks. 

“_Enough for everybody, little man! I mean… little rich man.” _

Everybody. Finn’s whole family.

_ “Yes! We can do whatever we want!” _Daniel cheers. 

_ “Yeah! And in no time, like I said.” _

Finn watches from his post as Sean uses the screwdriver to pop open the back window on the truck. Something in his heart twitches seeing how willing he is to do this, how _ into it _he is. 

He had expected to have two scared pups trailing behind him at his heels the whole time, but it’s starting to feel like he and Daniel are the ones running behind Sean. That’s okay. 

_ “Enano!” _ Sean calls out to Daniel.

Daniel runs over to him and grabs onto his hand. He’s pulled up into the bed of the truck with little effort. 

Sean whispers something to him that Finn can’t quite make out from where he is, but soon after Daniel’s climbing out the driver’s side door. Those two are something else. 

_ “Hello?” _ Sean whines impatiently. _ “We got this!” _

Finn walks over to join them, the truck open and ready to hop into, all without any help from him. He still doesn’t mind, not as long as everything goes according to plan, but he can’t help but feel like he underestimated Sean somewhere along the way. He feels a little guilty about that. 

“You’re good, Diaz!”

“Just hope we didn’t... _ wake up the dragon _.” 

“No stress! Wasn’t that loud.”

Finn slides into the driver’s seat. It feels like slipping on a highschool varsity jacket you forgot about in the back of a closet that still fits just right—or your father’s old coat you always kinda liked, even when you told yourself it didn’t suit you. 

“Okay. Let’s do this.” Sean says, confident.

He gets to work with the wires, like he’s done this a million times. It reminds Finn of his childhood, looking over at Daniel, how small he looks in the seat. They’ll steal the car and then they’ll deal with whatever there is to deal with after, then they’ll go home. That’s how it goes. God, _ please _ let that be how it goes. 

Sean keeps crossing wires, looking to Finn for any sign that he’s doing something right, something that’ll get them out of here in this piece of junk. Finally, the engine revs under Finn’s hands. 

“_Yes! Fuckin’ A! _” 

He pats Sean’s back. He wants to kiss him. Maybe later.

“Let’s get out of here. Drive.”

Sean sounds so unbelievably cool that Finn almost forgets the goal of what they’re doing for a second. He’s thankful that Daniel’s present to keep him from doing anything too stupid—as if _ this _isn’t already. He hits the gas. Up and off to the point of no return, then off to Mexico. 

_ “ _ You are the _ man, _ Sean Diaz! Ha! _ ” _

_ “Eh, not bad.” _is the best compliment that Daniel can give. Finn can still hear the pride in his voice. 

“Okay. Let’s rob these mofos.” 

//

  
  


The drive to Merrill’s isn’t far, but it feels a lot longer than it probably is. The tension in the car is thick enough to cut with a knife, radiating off of Sean in the seat beside Finn like a shaking dog. He puts up a brave front, but Finn can tell he’s anxious as hell, most likely because of Daniel being involved. Daniel, not so much. 

Finn feels nearly… _ electric. _ He wonders if even having all that cash will be a feeling that can compare to this one. No matter how it goes, Sean’s here with him. Sean _ chose _ to be here with him. His whole body tingles, he feels indestructible, like a man made of steel. This will work, because it has to, because he’s with his family, and it always works when he’s with his family. 

“Ready to do this?” He asks. 

“Ready.” Sean says tightly. 

“Little man?” 

“Yes! I’m not scared.” Daniel says, both as confident and childlike as ever. 

“That’s what I like to hear! We’re gonna be in, and out.” 

The truck comes to a stop. There’s no backing out, not anymore. This is the final hurdle, the finish-line at the end of this story. Finn grips the steering wheel tight in his fists. He wants to say something before this shit goes down, anything will do.

“I’m glad you’re with me, Sean. To the end and shit, right?” 

Sean’s looking ahead, not at him. Too lost in his own thoughts, probably. Finn wonders if he’s a part of any of those. 

“To the end and shit, man.” 

Words hang between them unsaid. Maybe it’s because of Daniel, or maybe it’s because now’s just not the fucking time. No matter what the reason there’s so much more Finn wants to say. If only he had said something sooner, right? That’s how it always is. Whatever, no big deal. He’s not being left alone this time, Sean made that clear. No stress, no worries. 

“Listen, we have to be totally quiet now. I’ve got the kitchen keys, so we got an easy entrance. Hereee ya go.” 

He hands the keys over to Sean, one single key clipped onto a marijuana leaf key chain. It’s almost comical how on-the-nose it is. 

“Whoa!” Sean turns the key over in his hand, like it’s some quest item in a video game. “Nice job.”

“Get in, bust that safe, grab the money, and then head back to the camp and bail out with everyone.” 

“You... sure they’re gonna be okay with that?” Sean asks.

Finn’s wondering the same thing, but there’s no time for that discussion. He can’t tell Sean that even if they exile him that he’d be okay with that, that he’s already got big plans on his mind, with or without them. 

Even if they cuss him out like a dog for it, he wants to give everybody a piece of the world. Everybody he loves, and then some. He’ll leave it under their pillows before sunrise, if he has to. _ With love, from Finn. _

“They will be when they see the money, trust me. Let’s move.” 

Finn leads the way, knowing this place like the back of his hand. Both he and Sean have flashlights, but Daniel totes along empty handed. 

“Maaan, I been waitin’ for this for a long time.”

“Really!?” Sean gasps, surprised. That’s fair.

“Fuckin’ A. Merrill can be cool, but he’s still just a fuckin’ crook. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anything but himself, fuck him.” 

And it’s true, Finn doesn’t particularly have beef with Merrill more so than any other shitty under the table pay boss he’s had picking up gigs like this, but after the incident with Daniel—well, it sure does make things easier on his conscience. They all deserve this. 

They make it to the front door of the greenhouse when Finn remembers that the place is covered front to back in security cameras. Probably not too smart to leave those be, if Finn’s learned anything in his years. 

“By the way, careful guys, the place is rigged with cameras.” 

Sean looks around, eyes big and alert, glancing at Daniel as often as he possibly can while still staying focused. He points up towards one of the cameras mounted by the entrance. 

“Daniel, see the surveillance camera?”

Daniel nods fiercely. 

“Totally! I got it!”

Just like that, the thing pops in a burst of spark, and then it’s dead. 

At that moment, Finn wonders if Daniel’s ever used his powers for something more sinister, something fatal. If he hasn’t, he wonders if he would, and he wonders how that would make Sean feel. 

He wonders how Sean has guided Daniel already. What path is he on, anyway? It must be a big burden to carry for anyone, much less a little boy. A lot worse than a gun. It’s one he can’t put down, and it’s loaded. Suddenly, all that pent up anger in him makes a whole lot of sense, even more than it did before. 

“Ew! This place is creepy at night…” He whispers.

“Come on! Pot isn’t scary.” Sean reassures him, his voice just as shaky and unsure. 

Finn barely hears them. His brain is buzzing inside his skull with the anticipation of what’s about to happen. It’s the ideal of all ideals; money for his family, a big _ fuck you _ to his dad for screwing him over for life, an even bigger fuck you to Merrill for ripping them all off, and a future with Sean and Daniel, where money isn’t ever a worry again. He wants all of it so badly and it’s right there beyond that door, it’s _ right fucking there _. 

They stand right in front of Merrill’s house. This is it.

“_Lights out _.” Finn whispers. 

Daniel blows up another security camera. Better safe than sorry, always. 

It means just as much to Finn that Daniel trusts him on this plan as it does that Sean’s trusting him on it. He knows that even if Sean had said no that Daniel would have probably insisted on doing it anyway. He’s glad it didn’t come to that. 

“_See? Told ya… we got a plan to stick it to the man _.” 

“_We’re not done yet _.” Sean points out. 

“_Keep it real, Sean… you’re right _.” 

Sean instructs Daniel to blow out a few more security cameras before they step any closer, and then starts peering inside. It’s downright thrilling to Finn to see him like this; _ confident. _He looks around, as if piecing a plan together, and then he sighs. 

“_Daniel, can you lift up that bar behind the door _?” He asks a very eager Daniel, who is tiptoeing directly beside him. 

“_Yep !_” Daniel chimes before raising a hand and—presumably—lifting the bar. Finn can’t see from where he’s standing, hanging back behind them like a watchdog. They all face each other, and with a nod, agree to head over to the side-door, the one with the key that’s gonna get them inside. 

“_Merrill’s sleeping, _ ” Sean whispers. “ _ Let’s get in, quick _.” 

Finn watches his hands shake as he puts the key in the knob and turns it over slowly. He wants to kiss his knuckles. 

It’s just as dark and quiet inside as they’d expected, nothing of concern in sight. They don’t spend too long looking around with their flashlights before Sean’s got his hand on the knob to the living room door. 

Suddenly, it hits him how this is finally fucking happening. No more wondering what the future holds, no more dreams of winning the lotto, no more dreaming of a future with somebody at his side, a future where somebody stays. This is it, and it has to go right. He steps between Sean and the door. 

“_Uh, okay, hold up. Shh.” _ Finn whispers urgently. “ _ We sneak in, Daniel opens the safe, we grab the money, then get the fuck out.” _ Finn raises a finger to his lips, his other hand on the knob. _ “Sound like a plan?” _

Sean and Daniel both nod silently. He turns the knob, and they walk into another empty, quiet room. Slow steps and held breaths all the way over, they finally find themselves on the other side of the room, standing right in front of that goddamn safe. 

“_Alright. This is it, my man.” _Finn whispers, giving Daniel a pat on his tiny back.

“_Just. Focus.” _ Sean breathes out rigidly, his nerves visibly boiling to the brim. Too many good things have been taken away from him in an instant. _ “Don’t rush.” _

The two of them step back together, looking onto Daniel like the proud brothers they are, sure, but also like he’s a spectacle, in Finn’s case. He raises a tiny hand, and just like that, the metal starts to warp and screech against itself, an invisible force bending it to Daniel’s will. The door starts to peel open at the edges like paper.

“_Yeah… almost there…” _Finn whispers to Daniel with a hand on his back. 

The door pulls further and further away from the safe, as if being blown up from the inside out, and then _ bam. _It flies open, stacks of hundreds falling to the floor, all for the taking, Their ticket to Mexico, their house on the beach. 

“_Yes! You did it! _” 

Finn’s feet are moving before he can even think, not wanting to waste a single second. It’s _ done, _they have the money, now all they need to do is bail and be gone by sunrise. He’s ready to get back in the car, ready to hear the joy in Sean and Daniel’s voices when they can yell and scream about how fuckin’ awesome this was, ready to surprise his family with more cash than they’d ever dreamt of, ready to kiss Sean on the mouth again, ready to make everybody proud. They did it, they fucking did it.

Daniel coughs behind him, and he hears Sean rush over to him and say something, but his mind’s buzzing with all the dreams he’s ever had, and he can’t process anything else right now.

“_We did ittt! We’re rich! _ ” He exclaims, running over to them with wads of cash in both hands, shaking them just to feel the weight of them in his hands. “ _ Good job, Daniel! Haha!” _

He can’t stop laughing, hysterically. He was wrong about this not being able to compare, this is the best thing that’s ever happened to anybody, ever. He didn’t need his dad, he didn’t need his big brothers, and this is more money than they ever made stealing cars. It makes him want to visit his old man in prison for the very first time, just to wave it all in his face. 

“_Man… I’ve never touched this much cash my whole life! Do you realize the things we can do with this much money? Thank you, Daniel. We’re a badddasss team.” _

There’s a moment of quiet where nobody speaks. The worst is over, right? Sean walks over to the safe and peers inside. He doesn’t take anything, but he turns to Finn for the first time in a while after, then gestures his head towards the safe, or maybe Merrill’s room. Then suddenly—

It’s too bright. This isn’t right, this isn’t how it goes. Light’s never good, not like this. 

“What is all this?” A familiar, deep voice asks. “You have to be _ shitting me _ !” Merrill yells, swinging a shotgun in both hands, pointing it at all three of them. He looks down at his feet, at the broken safe, to the pile of money on the floor. “You losers are _ actually _trying to rip me off!? Try not to be so fuckin’ loud!” 

None of them say anything. Nobody wants to be the first to speak. Finn knows it’s going to have to be him. 

“Alright, move your asses over there, _ now _.” He demands, gesturing to the wall with the barrel of his shotgun. Finn’s eyes keep playing tricks on him, he keeps seeing a rifle. 

“Uh, Merrill, uh, haha… Boss, I know this looks bad, but—” 

“Stop. I don’t wanna hear anymore of your shit.” 

Finn’s mouth slams shut. He feels like he’s in front of his father again. 

“So, what was your big fucking plan, exactly? Work here for a time and then break into my safe? Pathetic. Who was the moron mastermind?” 

Sean, who still hasn’t said a word, looks over to Finn. That’s fair, and true, and he deserves it, but _ fuck _ does it hurt. 

“Like I didn’t know.” Merrill spits. He starts walking towards Finn in broad strides, each quicker than the last, and Finn wishes he could fall through the floor and end up anywhere else but here on the other side. “I gave you punks work when nobody would, a place to crash for free—this is how you repay me? Stealing from me!?”

Finn’s arms drop. He feels incredibly small.

“No! No. It’s not about you.” 

It isn’t. It never was. It’s about them, it’s about _ we, _and it’s about everybody else. It’s not about Merrill. Finn nervously cracks his knuckles as Merrill steps over to Sean. He’ll die before he’ll let Sean take that blow, and he knows he has to be ready for it. He might die tonight. 

Sean looks down at the floor, his hands up as high as they can be. 

“I thought you were different, smart, but you’re a real dumbass for getting a kid involved. And you’re teaching him how to steal? Thief and brother of the year, nice.”

Sean looks like he’s about to cry. Finn wishes he’d just let them go and take this up with him, one-on-one, but of course he won’t, he’s a fucking druglord. Stupid stupid stupid.

“_Phew _, what now? You all really fucked up. I can’t just let this slide. I can’t. You’re young, but you can learn from mistakes. That doesn’t mean your lesson’s gonna be easy… or painless.” 

Merrill circles around them, every bit of power he holds over them in his hands. Finn catches a glimpse at Daniel and remembers something—he could probably snap that gun in half, right? That makes sense, he just busted a metal safe open. Then, maybe…

He’s desperate. He’s so fucking desperate. 

“Okay, on your knees, hands on your heads!” 

“Don’t do this! Don’t—come on, sir… we—we could talk.” Sean pleads. 

“I’m serious! On your knees, now!” Merrill screams. Finn knows that voice, they’re fucked. 

“Do what he says.” Sean whispers to Daniel. “Don’t worry.” 

Daniel, wide-eyed and shaking, gets down with his brother without a second thought. They’ve done this before. It didn’t end well. 

“We’re on our knees, okay?” Sean says, voice hitched and on the verge of breaking, like he’s absolutely terrified. 

Finn refuses to do it. If he does it, then they’re all fucked either way. They still have a fighting chance, if Daniel could just knock Merrill out of the way. They could run, they’d have just enough time, they’d be out of here. 

“Merrill… no.” He says slowly.

“Don’t break my balls now, kid.” Merrill spits. It’s a warning, and Finn knows it. 

“_Daniel,” _ He looks over to Daniel with pleading eyes, anything to convey to him just how vital he is to making or breaking this. “ _ You got this. _” 

_ “Don’t. Move.” _ Sean says slowly, almost agonized. _ “He can’t do this…” _

Finn doesn’t hear him. He’s too caught up in being the fixer, in seeing this through, in getting them out of this at any expense. If he doesn’t, it’s all over. He can’t lose it, not now, not this close.

“Don’t fuckin’ move!” Merrill shouts. 

Suddenly, there’s a sharp pain in Finn’s abdomen as Merrill shoves the stock of his gun right between his ribs. It knocks him to the floor, doubling over and gasping for his breath. It’s all slipping away right before his eyes, and here he is, on the fucking floor. 

If what he’s done up to now didn’t make him like his father, then this sure does. Daniel’s eyes are big and teary and his hands shake as he looks over to Sean for one tiny shred of guidance—or comfort, maybe. Fuck, Finn is a piece of shit. He knows it and he knows it well. He deserves this, but Sean and Daniel don’t. They’ve had too many guns pointed at them already, they didn’t need this one, too. 

He can hear Merrill lower his gun, at least. Sean and Daniel will probably be let off the hook if he takes all the blame. Maybe not easy, but not dead. He’s not so confident about his own fate. If worst comes to worst, he can at least get them out of this mess alive. Small price, his life is. 

“It’s not like I wanna do this... the people I deal with are worse.” Merrill says bluntly. “But if you rip me off, you rip them off—then _ I _pay. I have a family to look after, too. I gotta protect them first.” 

Finn hears the stomp of boots coming closer and closer to the side of his head against the hardwood floor like death itself. He’s still shaking, he knows he couldn’t stand now if he tried. So this is it, huh. 

He always imagined his death to be at his own hands. Not in a literal sense, no, but something due to his own free-spirited whogivesafuck attitude. Live fast, die young, whatever. 

He wasn’t wrong, he figures. It’s still not what he imagined it would be, though. A little love makes all the difference, something keeping you tied to earth, something that would miss you when you’re gone. He always imagined he’d be alone. 

Aside from Sean and Daniel, he thinks of the rest of his family. He hopes his dad never finds out, and that his brothers know he loves them, still. 

He wonders how hard Hannah will take it, and if she’ll blame Sean, or admit that this was always going to be his undoing, anyway. He wonders if he’ll get any songs of mourning out of Cassidy, if Penny will smoke a bowl in his memory, and if they’ll leave flowers at his tent before moving onto the next place, where they’ll leave him behind. 

No dragging around any bad memories, right? He never wanted to be a bad memory. He never wanted to be a lot of things. Too bad; beggars don’t get to be choosers.

He turns his face up towards Merrill, who looms over him like an awfully familiar figure he used to shake underneath the chin of, just like this. There’s no words left, he feels small. 

“Can’t let you play me anymore, either.” Merrill says, flat and final, like it’s the last thing he’ll ever say to his face. 

Finn closes his eyes and thinks of the first thing that could be a pleasant dying memory, one last thing on his mind to take the edge of his own death off. The first thing he thinks of is a sunset by the lake, a boy with pretty eyes. How ironic. 

There’s a long pause of silence, or at least, Finn thinks it is. He wonders if he’s still alive. Maybe it was quick and there’s nothing after death, after all. Maybe Merrill just hasn’t found the right place on his head to stick a hole yet. Whatever comes next will tell, maybe. 

“_Daniel, do it!” _Sean’s voice cries. 

There’s a gunshot, and he can feel warm wetness soaking the left leg of his pants, but he knows he’s still alive. There’s a ruckus. 

Finn wasn’t quite expecting _ whatever _to be Daniel throwing Merrill out of his way—or so that’s what it seems to be. He’s not sure, his eyes are still closed, and he’s sucking air through his teeth. 

What felt like an eternity of silence shatters. He hears something clatter across the room, then hears more movement from Sean’s direction, like he’s rushing forward suddenly. “Get out!”, he hears Sean scream. More movement, Merrill curses, there’s punches sounding and suddenly Sean’s groaning in pain.

“Wait!” Sean yells—then there’s a muted gunshot. “Stop! Fuck!” 

Finn can hear Daniel grunting, his breath ragged and labored. He hears one last cry from Sean, and then everything shifts. The walls shake like a tornado is passing over, and then suddenly, he’s on his back. Things clatter to the floor, the windows shake in their frames, glass shatters, the floor rumbles, and even with his eyes closed, slipping out of consciousness, Finn can tell the lights are flickering. 

The last thing he registers is a pained shout from Daniel, then there’s one final _ boom _, and then there’s nothing.

//

The rumble of tires against old pavement. The smell of fast food cigarette smoke. The radio playing softly, like a cocoon to wrap up in. Familiar, happy things. They’re here, but they're not, and Finn knows this because he’s riding shotgun and he’s ten years old. He plays along, though, just like he always has. Whatever this is. 

“_Ya want my toy, Finn? You can have it, I’m too old fer these things anyway.” _Kody offers from the back seat.

It’s especially wrong, because Ford always rides shotgun with dad, and Finn’s always in the back, in the middle. 

“_Yeah, Finn’s a baby! _” Caleb teases. “Why’s he get to ride front today, anyway? It was my turn!” 

“Cut it out! Pop’s gonna get mad.” Ford says, stern as always.

He already knows who’s sitting next to him, but he avoids looking over for as long as he can put it off. He watches the trees pass by in a flash out the window and he wonders where they’re headed. 

“Finnegan?” His father asks, confirming what he already knew. 

“Yes sir?” 

“What’s the first rule of stealin’?”

“Don’t get caugh—”

“Don’t. Get. Caught.” His father grips the wheel firmly, his other hand hanging out the window with a cigarette between his fingers. ”Now, why is that?” 

“‘Cause… then,” He feels his hands shaking, his eyes swelling, his teeth chattering. “Then you lose it all.” 

“_Then you lose it all. _” He takes a drag off of his cigarette, long and hard, and then tosses it out the window. He blows the smoke right in Finn’s face. “So why’d ya get caught then, huh? You know you ain’t gonna see ‘em again. You can kiss it all goodbye.” 

The door next to him flies open, and then he’s shoved out. 

//

The hospital is several weeks of endless questions and no answers to any of Finn’s own, topped off with a shattered tibia and lots and lots of dilaudid. 

He’s interrogated about ‘_ the incident’ _in Humboldt. He wonders if they call it that because they still haven’t the slightest clue what actually happened there, and they’ve got no way of telling. They’re not gonna get it, either, especially not from him. They know he was involved, which he admits to, but that’s enough. He already knows he’ll get breaking and entering and destruction of property at the very least, but he wasn’t ever armed, and he didn’t take anything, unfortunately. 

They’ve offered him as much as they can to get him to spill on Sean. Promises of being let off easy, a lighter sentence—their eyes always shining in hopes that he’ll bite. He knows that he looks the easy, desperate type to buy over with empty offers like those, but he never has liked law enforcement, and especially not after his time in juvy. 

Himself aside, he’d rather die than rat out Sean and Daniel for his own stupid shit. He’s not sure where they are. All he knows is what he’s seen on the news from the TV in his hospital room. 

_ Sean Diaz _, the cop-murdering suspect that’s been on the run since October has been reportedly detained after being involved in an ‘incident’ in Humboldt County, California, which left him hospitalized. His younger brother, Daniel Diaz, is nowhere to be found. He doesn't know which of those things makes him more nauseous. 

He reached for his bedpan the first time he saw the headlines, Sean’s face plastered on the screen and pulling up too many memories, too many what-ifs, and Daniel's making him worried sick over the possibility of where he could be, or who he could be with. He hopes that he made it to their mother, at least. 

He knew to some degree that Sean and Daniel were wanted, he’d seen a newspaper or two inside of gas stations and corner stores here and there, but it only hit him then just how badly the entire country wanted to see Sean locked up and rotting away in a cell, with Daniel painted as his hostage. It’s such a warped picture, it makes his stomach churn and his head swim. He’s just made it so much worse, and now they have Sean in custody. He’s hurt. Daniel is missing. 

Finn chooses to live with a lot every single day that he wakes up. It’s an active, conscious effort; one that doesn’t come easy. This one, though. This one might be the one that does him in, he thinks. Depending on how it all ends, this is the one that might just be too big to carry, one so far out of his hands that no matter what he can not undo, and he’s got no choice but to deal with it sober. He thinks that’s probably a good thing, but it’s hard to say it feels like one. 

//

As usual, Finn wakes up from a nightmare way too early in the night, in the dead of sleep. He always hopes it’s morning, just so he can look out the window at something, anything but white walls. The view outside is of a rooftop a floor below his, and then a parking lot. Well, it’s something, regardless. He had his nurse crack the window as much as she was allowed, just to smell something else, to hear something else—hell, even get a breeze in the room if he’s lucky enough for a windy day. 

He misses sleeping on the ground, waking up in his tent with Hannah’s jacket next to him. He misses seeing green; the redwoods and the lake and the crackle of the campfire. He misses Tucker licking his socked toes in the mornings and shitty coffee and target practice with Daniel before Sean woke up. He misses his friends—his family. 

He hasn’t heard from any of the guys, not even Hannah. It isn’t a surprise, but it still leaves his heart aching. He’d take a scornful letter if that’s as much as they’d be willing to give him, but he doesn’t get one, not even from Cassidy. He wonders if they stayed in Humboldt, or if it left too bad a taste in their mouths and they packed up and headed off to another state already. 

He might never see them again, and he can’t pretend that he didn’t know the risk of that before he chose to rob Merrill, as much as he wishes he could. He just misses hanging out, getting to love and be loved.

The only interaction he gets when the feds aren’t grilling him is with his nurse, a kind-eyed older woman named Patty. She has an accent that makes him feel like he’s back at home, one similar to his mother’s, from what he can remember. He learns she’s from Idaho, has a wife, who he asks about every single morning when she comes in, and she prefers being called Pat. He really likes Pat, and for some reason, she really likes him. Maybe he reminds her of somebody, too. 

She comes in every time greeting him the same exact way, and tonight is no different. 

“Mornin’, sleepyhead! Did ya have a good sleep?” She asks, her voice boisterous and playful as his own would be, typically. Not now, so much. 

“Aw, yeah! I had this dream where I had, like, cats for hands. Fuckin’ crazy. Wish you'd been there!” He points at her, eliciting a giggle. 

“That sure does sound like somethin’ else! Did you have spicy food for dinner or somethin’? Last I checked, Monday nights were meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Are the guards sneakin’ you hot sauce?” 

“No ma’am, no hot sauce, but if you can keep this between you ‘n me…” 

Finn looks both ways dramatically, and she leans in close, one brow raised, cupping her hand to her ear.

“One of ‘em did bring me some chocolates ‘n roses the other night… said I was pretty cute. I told him, ‘_ Hey, I dig the handcuffs, but you gotta lose the gun first ‘cause it’s really keepin’ me soft after havin’ my leg turned into minced meat.’, _Shit… you think I lost my chance? He was kind of a looker, even with the bald head ‘n red face ‘n all.” 

Pat’s face scrunches up like it does every time she’s about to ugly laugh, and Finn knows he’s done it again. Making her laugh makes him feel like how making Hannah laugh felt, like it was something to be proud of, a genuine accomplishment. 

She shakes her head side to side, a huge grin on her face while she peels the sheets back to get a good look at his leg. 

“What, you think I’m kiddin’? Is it that unbelievable that a sexy cop would wanna hop on this?” He frames his own face in his hands and bats his lashes. “You’re a real heartbreaker, Pat.” 

She lifts his leg and he winces, but it’s undeniably better than it was even last week. Physical therapy is the fucking worst, but he can’t say it’s not helping.

“You didn’t wince that much, is it better?” She asks.

“Yeah, it ain’t bad.”

She takes note of something, and watching her, Finn wonders if Sean has as kind of a nurse as Pat, wherever he is. He hopes that he does. Sean’s got even less than he does right now, and he clings to his interactions with Pat like they’re a lifeline right now. 

“Hey, Pat?”

She looks up from her chart, her eyes as kind as soft as always. They’re the same shade of brown as another pair of eyes he thinks about more often than he wishes he did. 

“Can I… ask you somethin’? Um… do you know if Sean Diaz is stayin’ at this hospital? I mean, I’m sure you wouldn’t have seen him or anything, but have you heard anything from anybody else, or—”

Her back goes stiff, she clears her throat. Finn’s never once seen her make a face like that one, or anything close to it. He feels a chill run down his spine. 

“I can’t say I know, darlin’. But, even if I did, I can’t disclose the information of other patients to you that aren’t your immediate family. That’d be a HIPAA violation.” 

_ They are. _

“Right, sorry. Should’a known that.”

She snickers, trying to lighten the mood, he figures.

“Well, no worries. I promise wherever he is he’s got eyes on him ‘round the clock.” 

That’s no comfort, but she couldn’t know that. He’s not dared to speak a word about Sean since he got here, too scared of having his words twisted, too scared of making things worse.

He knows Sean wants nothing to do with him, more than likely, if he’s even okay. That’s as much as he needs to know, just that he’s okay. It’s a selfish thought. Of course he’s not okay, he’s in prison custody, and Daniel’s still missing. As soon as he’s _ okay _enough he’ll be hauled away from here and locked up for god knows how long, and that’s it. 

There’s no future for Sean, not at all, and especially not with Finn in it. All that’s washed away on the shore now, bottled up and sent out to sea to find another life where it was all able to happen. It can’t happen in this one; the ink’s already dried, and Finn can’t take back the words he put down. 

“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, Pat.” 

She nods and heads towards the door.

“Well, unless you need me before then, I’ll see you in the mornin’. Hope you have lots to tell me about after therapy!”

The door clicks shut.

“Yeah.” 

//

A golden sunset over slow-rocking waves. The smell of salt. Feet in the sand. The warmth of a hand on another hand, placed atop each other. Fingers intertwined. 

Finn looks to his right just to confirm his suspicions. Sean is there, looking off somewhere else, but as soon as he notices Finn’s looking at him, he opens his mouth.

“This feels just like that day by the lake, doesn’t it?” Sean asks, pulling him from his thoughts. “Were you… thinking about this, then?” 

Sean wiggles his fingers, pinned down between Finn’s own. 

“Yeah… yeah, I was. I thought that it was somethin’ I couldn’t have, so I didn’t say it. I guess I should’ve.” 

Sean looks straight forward, right at the shoreline as it swallows up the sun. 

“Doesn’t really matter, does it? I mean, come on, you ended up taking it anyway.” 

Finn’s blood runs cold. “No… Sean, I didn’t—that’s not what I was tryin’ to do… I swear I never would have—” 

He pulls his hand back, but Sean grabs him by the wrist. 

“Did you think you were any better for putting it off? You just told me your feelings to talk me into doing your dirty work, and now what am I supposed to do!?” Sean snaps. “You realize my life’s over, right? You realize you fucked up everything, right? Did you really think it was gonna end like this?” 

Suddenly, there’s no beach. No sand. No sun. A familiar place, this is. Finn’s been here before. An older bearded man that Finn doesn’t recognize sits behind glass with a phone to his ear, and Finn feels the weight of one in his own hand. 

“Never forget that you’re the reason why I’m in here.” 

It dawns on him who the man is. He’d know those eyes anywhere. 

“Sean, I—”

//

_ “Finn! Finn! Hey!” _

A tap on the window pulls Finn from his sleep, a voice all too familiar. He thinks he must still be dreaming, but it sounds so close, so _ real _.

He jolts awake, opening his eyes and turning towards the window, expecting for it to just be Pat waking him up for therapy. 

But it’s not, and part of him really wishes it had been. It’s a painting he rubbed his dirty hands all over that he was never supposed to touch, and now he has to look at it from behind the glass. It’s funny, just how quick a nightmare can come true. 

“Holy fucking shit… no way…” He sits up best he can, his body only willing to bend at the waist. He swears he’s blinking the sleep from his eyes, but there’s no way this is actually happening. “Sean! What the hell are you doing here!?”

The sight of it hits him like a truck; Sean’s left eye obscured by white bandages. He hopes whatever lies underneath isn’t as bad as what he’s imagining. At this point, he could take anything but that. It’s just too cruel. 

Sean’s hoodie is pulled over his head, but Finn can tell his hair’s been buzzed. He probably doesn’t want the reminder that they’d been that close, not when he already has to stare back at himself with half of his face missing. Finn can’t blame him. 

“I’m trying to bail…”

Oh. Of course, Sean’s been here the whole time. Go fucking figure. And of course he isn’t here for Finn, because why would he be? 

He’s a good person, he’s a great person, he’s the _ best person in the world _. Of course he’s not actually here for Finn— who cost him an eye and a brother, that makes sense. 

He’s only an angel at Finn’s window, praying over while he sleeps, and Finn knows when he actually wakes up he’ll be wondering what the point of it was. He’s made his bed, and now he lies in it.

Even with all his remorse, he can’t help but feel euphoric over seeing him this close. He wishes he could pull him through the window. He wants to kiss him again. 

“Son of a bitch, I wish I knew you were here! Could'a hooked up! Shit…” 

This is easier, just putting the mask back on. Him pretending they don’t both know what blood is on their hands, pooling in the hollow socket of Sean’s eye and dripping down to lap at Finn’s feet— if they could even reach the floor. It creeps up his limp legs, soaks his hospital linens. He’s just like his dad. 

Sean doesn’t fucking deserve this.

“So… where’s Daniel?” He blurts it out, forcing it up like a bone stuck in his throat.

“I can’t tell you, Finn. But I’m going to get him back.” 

Of course. 

“Good. Don’t blame you for… not trustin’ me anymore...” He keeps his eyes on Sean, like he’s an apparition that might vanish any second if he looks away. “My fault you’re in here.”

It hurts so fucking much to admit, even if it’s true. He knows Sean probably blames him for all of this, he’s got every right in the world to, but it still fucking hurts. 

Sean sighs, and Finn can tell he’s trying to sort out his thoughts. He wonders if Sean had assumed he was dead this whole time; or if he was back in jail. Maybe, the only reason he woke Finn up was to make sure he was still breathing before he went on his way. Somehow, it’s comforting.

“So, stupid question, but… how are you doing?” Sean asks, voice as gentle as it always was when he was speaking to Finn. He can’t help but feel like he doesn’t deserve it. 

Finn looks down at his left leg, absolutely useless to him right now, just like Sean’s left eye. _ A leg for an eye _, or something like that. That’s not how the saying goes, but it’s how this story does. Maybe it could have ended better than this, in another life, where Finn doesn’t fuck up everything. Oh well. 

“Well… you know,“

He chuckles, because it’s really not funny, but life is such a bitch that yeah, it kind of is. He misses the simpler days of dreams of his feet in the sand in Costa Rica—or on a beach in Mexico. 

“Kinda sucks, no coconut drinks here.” 

He knows time is running out, and he’ll never be able to sleep again, not until he knows for sure what the total of his damage is. He just has to spit it out. He wanted closure so badly and here it fucking is. 

“So, how bad is it?” God, he really doesn’t want to know. “Your… eye?”

Sean’s response is immediate. 

“Let’s say… I still got one left.” 

Fuck.

Suddenly, every thought he’s had over the past month surges forward in his mind like a train he’s been trying to catch, and even though he’s been waiting for it for nearly _ three fucking months, _ now he’s about to miss it.

It’s now or never to spill as many of his pathetic final thoughts as he can, all the ones he’s played over and over, backwards and forwards and backwards again in his head for weeks and weeks. It’s his last chance to give as much of himself as he can to Sean. Even if Sean hates him, even if Sean never wants to see him again, at least they’ll be said, and Sean will hear them. 

They have to be, because Finn can’t live in a reality where they weren’t. Not when he owes Sean this, not when he’s this tired of being like his dad. He wants Sean to take this piece of himself with him, even if he takes nothing else. 

His heart feels like it did back in Humboldt that day; swallowed up by a sunset, beating in the hands of a beautiful boy with pretty brown eyes. Finn knows all too well that his piss poor apology isn’t all of his that Sean’s about to carry off with him when he goes—and suddenly, he’s painfully aware that this is it for them. 

This is all they’ll get. End of story. Close the book and start a new one. 

“Sean, I know this doesn’t mean shit to you now… but I _ am _ sorry,” He pinches the bridge of his nose, his eyes are starting to burn. “About everything.” 

Time drags by for what Finn swears must be a million years. It makes his time in the hospital feel like five minutes, it is so agonizingly long. Sean’s still standing at the window, about to offer Finn his forgiveness, or cast him straight to hell. He doesn’t care which one it is. 

Sean’s here, and that’s enough. Sean will continue existing beyond here, and maybe that’s enough, too. It’s probably not, but Finn wants it to be. This isn’t about him anymore. Sean finally opens his mouth.

“I don’t blame you, Finn.” 

Oh.

“You tried something… even if it ended up being a mistake.”

_ Oh. _

“I’ll just… have to make things right for good now.” 

He finally looks away from Sean, towards the door to his hospital room. 

He imagines running out of it, if his body and the law permitted, off to Mexico.

But then he remembers Sean’s not going to Mexico anymore, because Daniel’s missing, and he doesn’t know _ where _it is Sean’s going now to find him—because Sean doesn’t trust him anymore. 

Despite it all; despite Sean’s eye, despite Daniel being missing, despite Sean’s life being in even more ruin than it was when Finn first found him and it’s all Finn’s fault—Sean just forgave him. 

He imagined how this might have gone in his head about a hundred thousand times in this very hospital bed for a month—and this outcome never dared to cross his mind. 

How can somebody like this exist, and him have met them? Known them? Loved them? Love them, still. 

_ To the end and shit. _

Maybe there is just one more thing that he wants Sean to take with him when he goes; something he’s going to take regardless. He just wants him to know he has it. He needs him to know. 

Here goes nothing. 

“Thank you, Sean.”

Here goes everything. 

“You’re a fucking gem, man.”

Here goes the heart right out of his chest.

“I love you… so much. You know, that night… it meant a lot to me. I’m _ really _ gonna miss you.” 

Sean whimpers, sucking air in sharply through his teeth, like he had been holding his breath this whole time. Finn has no idea what to make of it, but his chest feels empty. Sean is too quiet, his silence is too long. Finn feels sick. 

“Me too, Finn, and—” Sean looks like he’s as close to tears as Finn is. “Who knows… maybe we’ll see each other again.” 

_ Me too, Finn. _

It might not be an ‘_I love you too’, _but it sure does feel like one. It’s enough. It’s more than enough—more than he deserves. 

Finn never did like church, but right now he thinks he finally kinda gets why people cling so dearly to the Bible.

‘_Me too, Finn.’ _feels like his scripture, like the verse he would get tattooed on his wrist just to keep himself grounded when shit gets tough. He thinks that maybe, if by some miracle that he gets out of here, and doesn’t end up rotting in jail, then he will. 

“You’re gonna find him, sweetie.” It feels so good in his mouth to say that, to call him that, to know that he can. “I trust you. So you should trust yourself, too.” 

Sean has his hand pressed to the glass, facing Finn, and he knows what Sean’s saying, even without saying it. He reaches his arm out in return, wishing more than anything that he could walk over to the window and kiss him goodbye. Sean pulls his hand away, and just like that, then he’s gone. 

Finn lies back in his bed, staring up towards the ceiling. He can’t help but feel like he underestimated Sean this whole time. There’s really nothing that that boy can’t do for his brother, and that alone should’ve given him more hope than he had. 

There’s a chance that he’ll see Sean again, someday. There’s no doubt in his mind that Daniel will be right back by his side in no time, either. His family is safe and sound, after all. For the first time in months, his face splits into a full-toothed grin, cheeks cramping and eyes crinkling and all. 

_ “You got this, sweetie.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe... hoohoo... hi :-)
> 
> OKAY, SO, I have been working on this chapter since December and it has been absolutely grueling but I meant I was gonna finish it and here it is. Thank you so much to everybody for continuing to read this fic and leave comments, they are all that gave me the push to finally finish this thing and I'm so so grateful for it. I do have plans to continue on this fic, and I really hope that I'll end up getting to them because I'm still very excited about them! Just in case though, I wanted to leave off on a note where I didn't feel like I left it unfinished, either. 
> 
> Also, I chose to go with the perfect heist route because I wanted them to open the safe, but still wanted Finn to get shot in the leg despite Joe not being there which is why Merrill did it. Please ignore my lack of detail on the state of Finn's leg just know that it's not great! 
> 
> I really hope that you all enjoy this chapter, and thank you all so much for your patience and for showing me so much love!

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY SO. 
> 
> This is my first time publishing anything I've ever written and I'm nervous a bit but the lack of content for these two (and lis2 in general) breaks my heart and I spend way too much time thinking about it so I had to do something about it finally :-( 
> 
> This is going to be Sean and Finn's journey thus far as told from Finn's POV and I'm not sure how long it will be yet, but this is just the start so we'll see!!! Since episode 5 isn't out yet it's going to be kind of tricky since I'm trying to keep this as canon compliant as I can, but I will do my best. I mostly want to focus on that month long gap between episode 2 and 3 that we only see a glimpse into from Sean's sketchbook, so that's up next! See u all soon!
> 
> (p.s thank u to all my dear friends for giving me feedback along the way and shout out to atlas for beta reading for me ily!!)


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